I'm a little frustrated with myself tonight.
In the past 9 months, I've done everything I can to rebuild my life. IC, worked hard to get back into the job market, rebuilt friendships, took care of myself... and, most importantly, I've maintained NC.
This past week, I finally got an offer for a coveted position in my field. It took me months and multiple interviews to get it. It's a job that even XWS wouldn't be in a position to get right now. And I'll even be taking in more money than he did.
I was ecstatic and proud for a couple of days. Friends were posting things about it on FB and, I'll admit it, I was hoping he'd accidentally see (this is the kind of thing that might bug him). A colleague of ours got a similar position and I saw that he "liked" the news. That hurt me a little... still not sure why. But at least it was that kind of hurt that passes pretty quickly.
On xmas eve, I had nightmares about him all night. The kind I used to have right after DDay. I woke up xmas morning really sad that he wasn't in the house with my family. I hate that feeling. I hate when I miss him at all.
For xmas, I bought my father a rather expensive gift (a gadget) that was a replacement; he once owned one of these items but, after I S from XWS and moved out, we realized it was missing. I fully suspect XWS has it. We were in the middle of a move when DDay happened and I realized months later that he had gone through our boxes and kept the things he wanted and then shipped me out boxes of things that were either just mine or that he didn't want to keep. I was so anxious to get out of there (he started raging at me after DDay 2 and got abusive) and end it, I didn't fight him over that kind of stuff.
But it reminded me of what a despicable person he turned out to be. There's the cheating and lying, of course. The abuse (which had never happened before I discovered the A). But he has completely removed himself from the lives of family and friends as well for the most part (beyond likes on FB and what friends tell me are really, really bizarre posts). And, when it comes to my family, he ended up being such a mooch. There's stuff like keeping my father's electronics that were a loan, literally going through boxes and stealing my things, making no effort to pay back money he owed my family. And now I'm remembering that he allowed my father to pay for a plane ticket for him last April to come out to see me... when his A was already in full swing. Christ... who does that?
Yet I miss him on xmas. Yet I can't even enjoy my own successes right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me the last few days. I should be really happy and proud of myself. But I can't stop thinking things like "he would have loved living in that part of the country" or "he would have loved this or that perk of my new job". Maybe it's because this was something we both worked for (or, so I thought) for years and now the payoff is here, and he's not? I've been so strong all of these months... why am I having these thoughts again?