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XWH and I hv been D sice 9-25-13. A couple of days ago while Ds15 and DS29 were out I engaged XWH with a phone call. Wrong to do. Not a long call but it got to a point in the conv that he told me that he did love me because he allowed me to be physically abusive to him on 2 occasions. I hit him.

oK before you all start into the physical aspect, I know it is wrong, and it is abuse. He could hv called the cops. I am in no way proud of what I did. I hv apologized profusely to him over the last year.

Was that a replacement for talking? I hv NEVER been that way in our 17 yr marriage or ever before.

I just wonder why?

[This message edited by whatdoto at 10:14 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

He didn't tolerate your "abuse" because he loves you. I don't know the circumstances of you hitting him, but I'm willing to bet it was over some revelation about his A. He "allowed" you to hit him, because he was guilty. He knew he "deserved it". Yes, hitting is never the right thing to do, but you did it, and it's over. Don't allow him to hold it over you. He's using it as a way to show you how much better of a person he is than you because he allowed it. Well, he's not. He destroyed your marriage. He's a pig.

Get back to NC. He's getting ego kibbles because he knows it hurts you to be reminded at what you did. Forgive yourself, and put it in the past.

I slapped the sad clown across the face hard once. I also threw an iPhone at him as hard as I could that same night. I missed and hit the fridge. I still have a large dent on my fridge.

All post-DD, ironically hours into False R.

That night was my rock bottom in that relationship - the most out of control I have ever been in my life. My later rock bottom was acceptance that this was really happening. The first rock bottom on that violent night was the complete opposite of that.

I was and am horrified about what I did. I still can't quite believe it. I have deep shame about it but I <DON'T> whip myself with it. The shame isn't for striking him - it is for reaching that ugly place. For having that ugly place.

He can hold it against me all he likes. Truth is I don't give a flying fuck what he thinks or what it did to him. It doesn't make me better or worse than him. It is irrelevant. If I was attempting R it would be something I would need to discuss/work through with him. In S/D - no need. I'll work through it myself. His views about it are none of my business.

he told me that he did love me because he allowed me to be physically abusive to him on 2 occasions.

Man, that is sooooooo fucked up. I hope you see that. This is 'love' to him? No wonder he could set you alight and keep pouring petrol over you.

NC is key. We all need a few more hurts before we get it. Don't let it get too bad before you get on the NC wagon.

((whatdoto)

[This message edited by SBB at 2:50 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Not one person here is perfect! Including me. We all have regrets. I truly believe if my ex was not lying and having an affair then we would have never been arguing like we were the last 2/3 years. Big coincidence that that is how long she was out of the marraige. Deep down inside we know and I am sure you did too. Do not let that coward rewrite the marraige. Stay no contact and do not judge yourself or the marraige by those actions . Please.

Stop apologizing. You apologized, meant it, now let it go. Don't keep dying on this hill. Move forward. Don't let him drag you back there in conversations. Ignore the reference or end the talk. You don't need to beat yourself up anymore.

You are all right. It was the holidays and being

alone. NC is best and I WAS doing so well.

Plus, I have forgiven everyone except me. I learned the true

meaning of forgiveness, just didn't think it applied to me.

And that is f'd up thinking. Wow

Thanks