I slapped the sad clown across the face hard once. I also threw an iPhone at him as hard as I could that same night. I missed and hit the fridge. I still have a large dent on my fridge.
All post-DD, ironically hours into False R.
That night was my rock bottom in that relationship - the most out of control I have ever been in my life. My later rock bottom was acceptance that this was really happening. The first rock bottom on that violent night was the complete opposite of that.
I was and am horrified about what I did. I still can't quite believe it. I have deep shame about it but I <DON'T> whip myself with it. The shame isn't for striking him - it is for reaching that ugly place. For having that ugly place.
He can hold it against me all he likes. Truth is I don't give a flying fuck what he thinks or what it did to him. It doesn't make me better or worse than him. It is irrelevant. If I was attempting R it would be something I would need to discuss/work through with him. In S/D - no need. I'll work through it myself. His views about it are none of my business.
he told me that he did love me because he allowed me to be physically abusive to him on 2 occasions.
Man, that is sooooooo fucked up. I hope you see that. This is 'love' to him? No wonder he could set you alight and keep pouring petrol over you.
NC is key. We all need a few more hurts before we get it. Don't let it get too bad before you get on the NC wagon.