I married my childhood sweetheart who i first went out with at 10 years old. We lived together from 16 years old and have 2 children who are 11 and 3.
One month ago after 21 years together he tells me he wants out!! Mmm, things have been very strained fir the last 3 years as on the birth of my son i was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34 years old. Made it hard to concentrate on our marriage as i was fighting for my life n he was holding together 3 jobs a newborn baby and a 8 year old- with the help of my best friend.
So after many talks and lots n lots of breakdowns (by him ) we decided to split. I was devastated for my kids but he was not jn a good place and i knew it was time. We decided he would stay until end January when it would be easier to split the finances and start a new life.
So 7th January, i jump on a plane with my daughter to go to have check ups for my cancer and he rings. Soon as the plane left he moved out, with my BEST FRIEND!!!! Devastated, crushed, destroyed doesnt even begin to describe it. My bf was my rock, closer to me than he even was. I loved her with every part of my soul n had spent the last 3 years helping ger thru her divorce after 18 years of marriage. I simply can not comprehend how she can hurt my the way she has- its unimagianable.
They always had a flirtatious relstionship but i am not the jealous kind n felt i had a strong marriage but more than any of that i trusted her completely. He tells me he is in love with her n she tells me she wants to "try" with him. I am left losing 2 of the biggest parts of myself with 2 kids to raise alone with cancer. Is a mess!!
Last 2 weeks have been horrific. Lots of abuse from both of them, NO remorse what so ever, she is know helping him with court costs so he can take what little i have - even though ice already offered 50 percent. His family (who dont like her n r generally lovely people) have turned there back on me abd he is telling all our friends that im taking all his money n that i wont let him see his kids ( he has had half access the whole time and so far i have not taken 1 cent of his money). Is so unlike him, we never fought about money n he was loving dad, but now seems like being with his kids is a hassle.
I dont no how to go on?? My love for him dwindled years ago so as much as what he is doing is shocking it doesnt hurt me as much as i thought, that is until i think of her...... We had an unusual connection that i just thought u dont find everyday. So so close and raw and honest and obviously FAKE!!! But i loved her n im struggling dealing my emotions. This has so obviously been going on for years n years n when i pinpoint it, it seemed to start when i was having chemo a few years back. Who does that????
Has anyone haf an experience like this and hiw ob earth do you get through such heartbreak?? Im a very social and fun loved person who makes myself vunrable as i have always seen the good in people, how now do i ever trust again?? And how did i let this happen?? So confused!!
I'm not sure you can deal with all of this at once. Were I in your place the first thing I'd do is concentrate on making sure I was getting some nourishment, fluids and as much sleep as possible. Also make certain you're taking any and all meds on schedule. Make a list maybe and check things off when complete. All difficult to do but necessary as you need to keep going for the children.
Then I'd concentrate on making sure the kids were taken care of. Try to get some backup or real in person support. From your family or other friends. After that I really don't know what the next priority is. Trust and emotional healing will take a while and really come in second place to just hanging on and beating your cancer. I'm so sorry this dump truck of crap was delivered to your doorstep.
I also had a difficult time dealing with the betrayal by my best friend. I think it is because I knew the problems that existed in my marriage, but I never perceived my friendship with OW to be flawed or weak.
It just plain sucks. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for double betrayals. You might find some good insights there.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Meanwhile, do whatever you need to do to mitigate any financial damage these two assholes might inflict; Please try to protect yourself and your children from the pillaging these two soulless jackasses are attempting.
Seriously, they are far beyond your reach, or any reasoning, and now the only thing you can do is hold your head high, ignore them, and take care of yourself and your children. Really.
Any negative reaction from you will just feed their fantasy that they are innocent victims of a force greater than themselves (their love for each other), and you are the enemy, uncaring, and spiteful. And all the rest of their delusional bullshit.
Just ignore, find support for yourself, circle the wagons financially, and 180 both their pathetic asses.
This shit just pisses me off.
( I was feeling reasonable about it until I read the part where they are trying to turn people against you)--- This is why I hate cheaters, they just don't have the balls to own up to what they do, and try to justify everything, turning the betrayed into the bad guy. Fuck them.
Sorry, it's late, and I've had a couple of glasses of wine.
Take care and post often,
Im so sorry.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The most important issue right now is looking after your health and your children.
The support, love and care you'll find on this site will help, post as often as you want - the experience people have on here will be invaluable to you at every stage.
Sending you positive thoughts, strength and (((hugs)))
Yes, evil does exist in the world, and they are the personification of it.
I don't know anything about divorce law in Australia, but if you were here in the States, I would tell you to see the very best lawyer you can find, and protect yourself financially.
Please take care of yourself, and know that a very special spot in hell is reserved for these sub-human assholes.
Towards the end, we had some problems (I later found out she created by telling him things). She became extremely close to me, literally hanging out every day, wanting to talk about our marriages, pretending to be my best friend as I poured my heart out to her. She asked a lot of really personal things about our M as well that should have been red flags. I noticed she and my H getting closer as he had her over to our place to help him with a few projects. He even took her out one evening and had me watch her two kids as well, which was a huge red flag. I remember telling my sister I think there may be something going on. Her reply was "no way" and I wanted to believe the best.
He moved out with her and her H (who worked out of state weeks at a time) shortly after. He still wouldn't admit to anything, yet filed for D. I started hearing from friends of his and her H (who filed shortly after) that they were seeing eachother.
They made their relationship public shortly after, showing up at my kids events together, rubbing it im my face. He turned his family against me and they accepted her into the family!They both completely turned on me and she said some horrible things to me like I was a bad W and didn't make him happy.. I did everything for him. I now had to witness their wedding pics all over fb posted by mutual friends and they are expecting their first child together, happy as can be. Where is their Karma?
So I can relate and I am SO sorry you are going through what I had to go through. Sending you hugs and love.
The double betrayal is one of the worst kinds of affairs, IMO. Not only are you blindsided by your WS, you have nobody else to even turn to in your horror and grief because the other person/people you trusted the most are "in on it". For me personally, it has been the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. I no longer feel that I can trust other people, am no longer interested in making new friends, and I was quite extroverted and gregarious prior to my husband's affair.
In fact, I am 6 months out now, and even just this morning I was still ruminating about my friend's role in this. She never apologized or even gave me an explanation, just a horrible attacking email telling me what a terrible person I was for not wanting my husband to fuck my friend or to be lied to. 5 year friendship down the drain, and I still have no idea why she or her husband thought it was ok to treat me that way. I kind of wonder now if she just secretly hated me the whole time and was just biding her time until she could find a way to injure me. Because why would anyone do such a thing to anyone they actually liked? It's really crazy-making. It's still making me sick and sad all these months later.
My husband has been a model wayward, very remorseful, went NC in the first week after the affair fog lifted and he never looked back. He now says he feels repulsed by thoughts of her and what he did. We have moved out of the city where it happened, are trying to reconcile, and we do have some good days now along with the bad. But I will never, ever get closure with my friend and her husband. It will haunt me the rest of my days. I cannot imagine ever inviting another female friend over to my house again, hanging out, going on vacation with another woman and my husband, etc. I am 39 years old and will probably never have another female friend again. It's too frightening to me to think about how little we really know people, so I can't risk it. She helped wreck my life, utterly betrayed me as much as my husband did, wounded me to the core, and I can't take another chance on someone like that again.
Anyway, you are not alone here. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. As other people have said to me, your BFF and your husband are vermin. You didn't deserve this. They took advantage of you and your trust. It's not you, it's them.
Down in the section called "I Can Relate", there is a thread for those of us who are (sad, unwilling) members of one of the worst clubs in the world: the Double Betrayal club. Check it out if you feel up to it.
ON EDIT: By the way, if you want to read my story it's in my profile, and there are many others here who have stories similar to yours. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you weren't the first or only person this has happened to. Plenty of good people are betrayed by sick, unethical assholes with emotional problems - people who have good marriages, bad marriages, young, old, sick, healthy, beautiful, whatever. Being a "certain kind of person" or having a "certain kind of marriage" is never any proof against infidelity. It's NOT about you. It's ALWAYS about them and their shitty coping mechanisms.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 11:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]
Eventually, the truth will come out. And behind closed doors certain people know and are just not talking to you yet.
I agree with saying your truth, and outing them. Also, get yourself to a lawyer ASAP so you can contain the financial damage.
You are not alone anymore. You have us now. Please count on us to share our hard earned wisdom. There are many much wiser people who will be along soon.
PS.....If you can get yourself to a counselor. You need an in person rock right now.
No contact with both of them. Only speak to your soon to be Ex about the kids and necessary finances. I find texts and emails are good because you have a paper trail for court. Keep it business only. As for the bitch who was your friend, don't waste any time or energy on her.
Next, take care of YOU. I can't imagine going through all of this on top of fighting cancer. I'm not sure from your post. Are you still in treatment or are you in remission? Either way, surround yourself with people who love and support you.
I would say that "I've been there, done that" but my follow up mammogram turned out okay. But I DO know the pain of a double betrayal. Believe it or not, it does get better. It sure as hell can't get any worse.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
My nights consist of racing mind, no sleep, closing my eyes n seeing her face n then dreams of them both. Wake up everyday back to emotionally state i started n takes me mist of the day to pull together again.... So your posts really helped. Went out shopping this morning feeling "ok" and even half in control n then....... Came face to face with her!!! We live in a small town, only 5000 people so i see her everywhere. She has never been well liked in the 12 years she has lived here n after this she is now hated. I have 99 percent of the towns support but amazingly she walks around with her head held high like she has done nothing. She has talked to more people in the last 3 weeks then she has the whole time she has lived here n what i have found is that even though people dont like her n support me they say nothing. Dont like confrontation i guess, i dont no. He has stored his things at a friends house but stays with her every night BUT they are telling everyone, even there families that they are just friends!! Everyone except me n my children who have constantley heard frombith of them that they are together. Im so sick of the lies. Last week, on my sons 3rd birthday he told me that with my cancer i probably wont be around in a years time n wouldnt i want someone like her who loves my kids to take over as their mother. OMFG, worst worst thing he could of said. I have cut all contact with him, only texting back answers regarding kids n am looking for the best lawyer i can. Im going for all i can get to ensure (in case nything does happen to me) that they will not have my children. What it did make me see though more than anything is that he has NO emotion towards me at all, none!!! Is so very unlike him, i have known him for 27 years n he most definately loved me once, i would say mire than nything, what the hell happened. We fell apart, lost yhe connection n i take half responsability for the end of us, BUT to be planning for my funeral, what the.....!
He doesnt get the emotion out of me i guess because i am so used to his hurt but SHE gets every emotion i have n i just hate it. I hate her more than i knew was humanly possible n yet i have times when without her ( or the person i thought she was) i dont no how ill go on. She pushed away every good friend n family member i had ova the years as she is very possessive n somehow managed to make herself the centre of both my n my husbands world. I have been told for at least the last 4 years that she was only after him but i stuck by her. I have amazing friends n lots of support that have all rallyed around me now she is gone but its just not the same feeling. Mmm, i so want that special connection (although a real one this time), n i miss it so much. Then i see her n the anger i feel is totally overwhelming, like nothing i have ever felt. I hope and pray that it doesnt work between them n he finds someone else, a lifetime if her is not even something i can contemplate!! What is your experiences with how long or whether these type of relationships last??
I ached for the person I trusted with my life, the keeper of my secrets, the anchor that held me down, when I thought I might just blow away. It was the single most painful event of my life.
Another FF told her something I had said, never meaning to hurt her, and she came to me and calmly said "I can't be friends with you". I was devastated. I've run that conversation through my mind a million times.
I was friends with her 14 yrs. I have two best friends now, both for 23 years. I thought I would never have a bond like that with anyone, but now I have 2. I survived a divorce with my 1st H, my current H ONS, but nothing compares to the pain of losing you BF. just know, 1st, clearly the value you put on the friendship, she did not share, second, what she took fom you is a man who would cheat, lie and turn his back on those he loves. What did he get? A disloyal woman who can't be trusted by anyone! It will take time (I know it moves slow) but it moves and it moves you into a new life with new happiness, new friends and new true love.
Good luck to you and your beautiful children and never give up hope for change.
And get that attorney going now.
Please try to realize that your BF was not what you believed her to be. That relationship was not what it was presented to be. She never was capable of feeling the bond that you did, because she is a sad broken shell of a person. You deserve much more. But its up to you to get it. Please protect yourself and get a shark of an attorney, and find out how to protect yourself, your kids, and any assets you may have.
Know that your H too will end up betrayed hurt and broken as well. A person like her is incapable of not continuing to hurt others, and since she has recently traveled the D road will be there helping him every step of the way. Thus the lies and propaganda they are promoting right now.
Know that Karma is a real bitch, and it will get them. In the meantime protect you.
Keep reading, keep posting, protect yourself and stay strong.
Last week, on my sons 3rd birthday he told me that with my cancer i probably wont be around in a years time n wouldnt i want someone like her who loves my kids to take over as their mother
How DARE your WH say that to you!! They've made wonderful advances in breast cancer treatment. I don't know your prognosis, but this is the worst thing I've ever heard. Now you HAVE to survive, just to spite them.
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”
― Mark Twain