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hb444 posted 12/28/2013 21:53 PM

I'm glad there's a place like this where I can come and try to understand this horrible thing that has happened to us.

A little background: I found a long e-mail chain between my wife and the IT guy at her job from 2011. She had invited him over to hang out while I was out at my monthly poker game. He thought it was too risky with me being just up the street and wasn’t sure he could get away (he was married at the time). She said that nothing had to happen, and they could just hang out, watch tv, and talk like before, which she really missed. While her motives for this particular night may have been purely chaste, the next several messages between them made it perfectly clear that they had not been. He made comments about a just coming over for a quickie instead, or that she could set up a baby monitor so they could “bang outside in his car” and if I came home she could slip back in the house and explain it away by saying she heard a noise outside. They talked about how it sucked that their feelings for each other and the emotions were a bitch, and it ended with him being unable to come over. With his overtly sexual comments, I’m sure it would not have stayed chaste for long if he had. It was also more than apparent from this conversation and that they were having sex.

I confronted my wife and she admitted to the PA. She and told me to let her have it, to call her a slut, a whore, and a horrible person. The details she told me were that it was short and they only had sex a couple of times. Upon subsequent inquiries, she claims that he initiated the affair, she was the one to break it off, and that she never loved him. She has suffered from depression for almost as long as I’ve known her (thanks to a horrible mother), and it became pretty severe after the birth of our twin boys. Not that it is any justification in my mind, but she said the emotional attachment to him that she felt at the time was because of her depression and low self-worth, and she gave into his flirting.

She seems genuinely concerned as to how the affair has affected me. However, she’s also afraid that I will expose her to our families, friends, and children as the adulterer that she is (which she claims could ruin her life), so I’m not exactly sure which aspect of the discovery she is most concerned about. Also, she has not been very forthcoming with details when I try to ask the difficult questions. She tells me she worked so hard over the past two years to bury the affair in her mind (her therapist also suggested that she not reveal it to me), but I have to wonder if she’s lying about things to save me from more grief or to cover up more lies (how long it really lasted, how many times, was she in love, etc) and try save what little face she has left.

I am devastated beyond what words can even begin to describe. The pain is not only emotional; it is physical. Every time I re-read their email chain back in my mind, I feel as though I have been stabbed. I am nauseous, my heart races constantly, I’m exhausted yet I can’t sleep, and my mind torments me with images of a porno starring my wife and the OG. I am humiliated. I am jealous. My self-esteem has been shattered. Every insecurity I have ever had about myself feels as though it has been validated. I am angry at the world and at God. I haven't told anyone yet, so I hate that my only source of comfort through the grief and the pain is from the person that caused it.

I want to expose her infidelity to the world and watch as family, friends, and our children (which fortunately are too young to understand – but they would in the future) reject her. If she didn’t lose her job because of the affair, she would be too humiliated to continue to work there. I want to have a night of revenge sex with the next attractive woman I meet. I want to fill a shotgun with rock salt and shoot the OM in the crotch. I want to slap her lying mouth. I want eye-for-an-eye revenge, yet I can’t do any of these things. For starters, that just isn’t the type of person I am. But the thing that holds me back the most is that I still love her. Despite this ultimate of betrayals, I still care deeply for her. As much as I want to hate her, I simply can’t. I actually want to someday forgive her and possibly reconcile. Am I weak, stupid, or both? I feel that she is right and that I do deserve better, but am I too afraid to go looking for it? If we do reconcile, will I forever feel (or be seen by her as) an all-too-forgiving doormat that doesn't deserve any respect?

[This message edited by hb444 at 9:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

happyman64 posted 12/28/2013 23:11 PM

HB

You have come to the right place to get it out.

And as hurt as you feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with still loving your wife.

But she has wronged you. Worse, she has hurt herself and risked her whole family with an Affair.

Her depression is no excuse. She should have turned to you.

Instead she introduced a 3rd party into your marriage.

You need to set boundaries with your wife and enforce them.

You should expose the Affair to the OM's wife so she knows what has happened.

If it was me I would have your wife inform your families what she did and what steps she has taken so it does not happen again. Some will disagree but that step is up to you.

No matter what you now know what your wife is capable of. She was not forthcoming about the Affair.

In essence she has betrayed your trust.

Tell her exactly what she needs to do to regain your trust. Take your time and read hear to formulate your plan to reconcile with her if that is what you choose to do.

And if the OM still works with her you need to let his wife know without telling your wife.

And your wife needs to find a new job.

HM

tagalong posted 12/29/2013 01:16 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am new here too but I empathize with not having anyone to talk to. I am torn about who I tell vs. regretting it later. I have only told 3 people and only one is really able to talk to me in detail about it. The other two have BTDT, but we aren't as close as I am with the first friend. It's hard. It sucks. We're all here to help each other.

craig2001 posted 12/29/2013 12:52 PM

I have learned a great deal being here on and off for a number of years. First of all, IMO, your wife's therapist is as wrong as they get when she told your wife to lie. Lying should never ever be recommended by a therapist unless there is a real threat of violence with the truth. Your wife should never talk to this therapist again.

If this therapist had told your wife to be honest, your DD would have been 2 years ago and you and your wife could have been over this part. For a BS, DDay is just as if it just happened, 2 years ago means nothing for a BS, but to a WS, it was actually 2 years ago.

In order for you wife to be totally honest with you about what really happened, she has to be totally comfortable telling you. And that means no threats of divorce, no screaming anger from you, and no threats at all about telling anyone.
Otherwise, what real motivation would she have in telling you any truths, if you are going to hurt her in any way or divorce her. It sounds odd, that SHE has to be comfortable, but that is how it is if the BS wants the entire truth. And most, not all, but 99% of the BS I have ever read a post from not only needs the entire truth, but has to have it in order to move on and heal from this all.

Her depression and her childhood could be an actual reason for her affair. Many WW do have something bad in their childhood like low self esteem from many reasons and or being sexually molested at a very young age that can cause them to have some kind of affair later in life.

Those feelings of her low self esteem and other childhood issues should be discussed in order for her to never need an affair again.

As for whether or not she was in love, who knows. Puppy love, unreal love, fake love, pretend love are all common in most affairs. Once the affair is over, many times, that pretend love for the OP turns into real disgust.

In order to get over this, you need to calm down and stop making any threats about telling her family. You can ask this other guy some questions if you want to, you might even get answers, but do not threaten him with harm or you could be in serious trouble. That almost happened to me.

You need to explain to your wife why you need the truth, BUT make damn sure you do need the entire truth and that you can handle the truth. You are already re-reading those emails in your head and getting sick and angry. That is why I write, make sure you can handle the truth.

When it comes to the truth, it is going to make you angry and depressed at the same time. But with time you will actually get used to the truth and those feelings will fade away. Which to me, was always better than never knowing the full truth and always wondering.

I am curious about one thing. You wrote that this other guy was married at the time. Is he divorced now? And if so, I wonder what the reason was for the divorce. Did his wife find out and or did this guy have other affairs as well.