I know these relapses are normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to relapse. I don't want to have to deal with weak moments. I'm frustrated with my behavior and expect better of myself.
My AP was the father of one of the toddlers in my class; so like you, after telling my director of my A I was given the chance to resign my position before I was fired, and my poor daughter had to leave the center she had been in since she was 16 months old. AP faced no consequences....his son wasn't kicked out of the program or anything, even though my boss knew he was a lying piece of shit (he denied the A to his BW and everyone else sayjng I was stalking him and blackmailing him and making it all up).
I'm rambling so let me get to the point....I had two coworkers who knew all about my A and who the AP waS. At first after I left I would try to get info from them about AP and his BW...and they would be more than happy to give me the details.
After Dday these two friends asked me to to out with them....it would have been nice to see them but I couldn't do it.....I knew seeing them would trigger me and my BH...I didn't want to see them cuz then I would think of my AP. So I politely turned them down and have not seen them or spoken to them in months, and have no intention to. The point is in order to keep my mind off AP I had to cut ties with everyone and everything connected to him.
I cut ties with 4 of my closest friends, one I have known most of my life, because they enabled the A. This was the request of my BS and I didn't fully understand it at the time, but it helps a ton.
Alcoholics say the same thing...saying no to drinking is only half the battle. The hard work is saying goodbye to your drinking buddies, the bar you used to hang out in, everything.
Finally, I like to carry something with me that helps me remember, in a very physical way, that my health and the chance of R with my BS is more important that any momentary craving. A special coin can help a lot in these situations.
I have really struggled cutting those ties. I have an unusually high sense of loyalty. Somehow it is my responsibility to care and nurture relationships I am in, even if it is to the detriment of my own personal mental health. I don't know why I feel like I need to stay friends with people when it is harmful to me. I obviously can get over my loyalties... I cheated on my husband. Who else should you before loyal to in life??
You both are so right. When I subject myself to interactions with them, it inevitably turns to something about him and My addiction is fed once again. Instead of nurturing the relationships that are destructive, I need to concentrate on my relationship with myself and my BH/M.
Time to stop throwing the pity party. I was such a good party planner... :'(
Your actions determine your outcome
I miss talking to my old coworkers....in my case they weren't friends of my M....but even if they were it would still be hard.
I also cancelled fb and any other social media site I was on...and don't regret it at all.
I forget...does your BH know about your A?
I should have looked at the situation as another example of how he is a manipulator and an a-hole, but my brain wants to continue to spin information so he doesn't look like a jerk. I did it the whole time in our A. There is a reason everyone else thinks he was/is an ass... he is! And I was too f'ing blind to see it.
Deleting FB is a HUGE jump for me. I have unfriended many people that I can't bear to see posts about. However, I need to do the dirty work and unfriend the people that I wish I could stay in touch with...my drinking buddies if you will. I suppose if they are true friends they will understand why. If not, then why would I want them in my life anyway?
I need to do the dirty work and unfriend the people that I wish I could stay in touch with...my drinking buddies if you will.
FB was a big deal for my BW and me because I got in touch with the OW, a friend from high school, through FB. I had been reconnecting with a lot of people from those years, and she was one of them. After DD, I removed all those friends from FB and even blocked several of them, ones that were closest to the OW. I now have a very, very short list of FB friends, and I don't add any new female friends without telling my wife about it. It's been an essential part of our recovery. Sometimes I miss those connections, but that loss is trivial compared to the pain I've caused my wife. And it's trivial compared to the loss I would have suffered if I had gone through with my plan to throw away my marriage. And it's trivial compared to the pain I feel from the damage I've done to my marriage.
Bottom line -- don't think of these losses as your "punishment." Think of them as the things you need to release in order to recover and to save your marriage. Think of them as things you need to do for YOURSELF -- not something that's being forced on you. And I won't kid you -- you're going to have to do far more than just that to recover. But you can do it.
Perspective...as you mentioned, I need to change mine. The people I am trying to stay friends with aren't really that important to me. They usually don't make contact with me first so they may not even miss the fact that I cut ties. My marriage and family are way more important than me than possibly hurting the feelings of people that aren't proactively maintaining a friendship. Thank you RH.