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Keebler posted 12/29/2013 01:45 AM

I had to tell our two daughters today about the divorce. They are devastated. Again. I’ve been weepy all day. The worst I have felt so far through this second go around. But tonight, I’m simply devastated. I can’t stop crying.

I miss my husband. My best friend. I miss his smell. I miss telling him goodnight and lying by him in bed. I feel so alone. Even though my brother and sister are both here, and my kids, I just feel so alone.

And he is angry. He already has tried to blame me. He has put it all on me. I was distant. I didn’t act like I wanted to be with him. I pushed him away. He actually told the 16 year old in a text that I did love him, but I didn’t love him enough all these years and that I would be better alone because I push people away and then he had the nerve to say to her that she was “a clone of me” and that he loved her too, but she didn’t show him that she loved him.

I’m more hurt by his words to her than what he has done to me. That was just so fucking cruel and hurtful.

And those fucking letters the inmate wrote to him. I have read them twice now. I know what they say. I know they are the truth. I know they have had sexual encounters because she describes how great they were in the letters. But he is denying all of it. I even said in a text yesterday that “you have nothing more to lose, just grow a pair and own your shit!” but he denies that anything ever happened with her. He says all they ever did was talk.

He told our oldest daughter (the 22 year old) that nothing happened with any woman but that I found some letters from a long time ago but nothing was true it was some crazy woman who wrote to him and that we were going to get a divorce anyway so not to worry about it. She called me devastated tonight.

His mother (who I refuse to talk to because she’s bat shit crazy and just as narcissistic and even more vindictive and mean) actually called and told our oldest daughter that I served her dad with divorce papers because I found some letters that were old and that nothing ever happened but I am crazy so she (MY FUCKING DAUGHTER) should not call me or talk to me because she just needs to protect herself from me and my whole family.

But I know that deep down he is afraid because he asked me today if I was going to turn the letters over to the prison. I just want this whole thing to be over.

I hate that I am so conflicted with my feelings right now. I am sad, hopeless, angry, doubting myself and a whole myriad of other emotions.

Backstory: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=517499

[This message edited by Keebler at 10:42 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

tagalong posted 12/29/2013 01:54 AM

So sorry. I am new so I don't have a lot to offer this situation. I just wanted to let you know you have support here. Others will be one tomorrow when the sun is up and they can give you better support. Hang in there, I know dealing with bat shit crazy parents is not easy, I have so been there!

traditoperanni posted 12/29/2013 02:26 AM

Keebler, So very sorry for what you are going through.
You have more power than you know.
Consider telling your wh that he is to immediately stop
Harrassing you and his daughters. And if he doesn't come clean with them and everyone about exactly what he has done then maybe those emails could end up in the wrong
hands.
Those are the consequences for what he has done.
Take control. 180 him and his family and try and concentrate on your health.

ArkLaMiss posted 12/29/2013 02:39 AM

Turn the letters in. He's throwing you AND your daughters under the bus for a convict! He deserves to face the consequences of HIS actions. How dare he and his evil egg donor say that shit to your daughters! The nut didn't fall far from the tree. Out him and tell his toxic mother to drop dead and leave you/them alone! Give him the same heads up he gave you, NONE, and tell his bosses. If they're old, no harm. If they're new, he's screwed himself!

goodbye_virginia posted 12/29/2013 10:37 AM

I would turn in the letters!
He should have thought of the consequences.
Sending strength your way.

NotFixable posted 12/29/2013 11:19 AM

(((Keebler))) I would absolutely turn those letters in. FTG! There has to be consequences for his actions!! What he and his bitch of a mother are doing to you and your kids is unforgivable. I understand how you feel when you say you are lonely and miss your husband. I feel EXACTLY the same way, but this person is not your husband. Not the man you married and raised children with. You deserve so much better than this POS. Let him be angry. HE did this, not you. Your kids know better. Yes, they are devastated because they are just learning what you know....the man isn't the dear old dad they always thought he was. Together, you are going to get through this. Turn those letters in and let him explain them away to the powers that be. Don't worry about that old battle-axe mother of his. Of course she's going to take her son's side. Your kids aren't going to let her influence them to stay away from you. Stay strong and keep us updated. We'll all be here for you.

brkn_heartd posted 12/29/2013 11:20 AM

I am so sorry. I can imagine the pain you are in. Divorce is never easy on a family regardless of the age of the children. My parents divorced at 32 years of marriage when my Mother finally got enough of my Father's A. She has since passed away, by the Karma bus has indeed hit my Father. I know he is not happy with his new family.

Now...as for you. The cat is out of the bag. Sit down with your daughters if you are so inclined and show them the evidence you have. Let them make up their own minds. This removes the toxicity from your husband and his family. They are adults, they can figure this out. While it is embarrassing, it allows them to see the situation for what it is.

In regards to the letters, you can play one of two ways. Use them as a cease and desist to your Husband regarding the additional pain he is inflicting upon your family. (Make sure they are uber secure!). You can hold the letters over his head to maintain that level of power. However, you need to also be ready to produce the letters if he violates the request. He would not be worried if there wasn't something to worry about.

Finally, you can go ahead and send a copy of the letters. There will be consequences not just to his job (most likely losing it) but within your family. It will be like a nuke going off with the dialog given to your daughters through him and his family. While they are powerful, the aftershocks may or maynot be worth it for the first action.

As an adult when my Mother was dealing with my Father's affair, after she called it quits, I wish she would have shared more information with me. I would have supported her so much more than I did. I didn't because I didn't understand. It wasn't until she died that I found some old letters that let me see the real pain she was going through. Knowing what I know that I am going through this, I so regret not being there more for her. While your daughters will not have gone through the pain of marriage betrayal, they will experience betrayal to the family, they will not be able to empathize at the same level, but I am sure they are smart young women that can make decisions for themselves. Since he is throwing you under the bus...go for full disclosure!

Hugs to you....I am sending support your way.

Edited for typo's.

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 11:42 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

undonelife posted 12/29/2013 12:56 PM

I agree w/ brkn_hrtd. Let your daughters see. & read everything you have. They are old enough to decide how they feel. Mine were 14 & 16 & I told them. Explain to them that if their dad was that Unhappy he could have left first or asked for MC or IC for himself and tried to work things out the sensible & civil way like an adult. An affair was not the answer to his unhappiness. This is a good teaching moment for them as they need to know how to do it right when they marry. Perhaps they would benefit from counseling too. Open yourself up to them & be honest w them so they can see what real life & pain are about. Who knows that it might help them navigate their own course in life.

So sorry for your pain. You sound very strong!

scared&stronger posted 12/29/2013 14:08 PM

Gently, I would encourage you to turn those letters in regardless of the fact you want things over with. Abusers count on their victims remaining silent through their abuse. It is how they control the situation. The only way for you to take control away and protect your children(and yourself) from escalation is to turn those letters in....NOW!

anewday78 posted 12/29/2013 20:33 PM

I wouldn't turn the letters in - they're far too valuable a bargaining chip.
1. Stop harassingme and the kids or I turn in the letters.
2. Agree to all my conditions for divorce, custody, visitation, and division of arrests or I turn the letters in.

Once you get everything you want/need, turn the letters in if you want. Fuck him over like he's done to you.

mefirst posted 12/29/2013 20:54 PM

You should definitely turn in a copy of those letters; there's legal implications here. He has violated prison rules and the prison has a right to know what is going on.

Perhaps even more importantly, the action of turning in those letters will allow him the help he needs to resolve those inner demons. I think he needs to hit rock bottom, with appropriate authorities aware, so that he can get the right psychiatry to help him sort through his issues. The way I look at it - giving copies of those letters sets a series of activities that will help your WH.

shattered79 posted 12/31/2013 08:33 AM

I heard the same thing nothing ever happened with her or the one before her. They just ball bust...really..I told him to grown up he's 58 you don't ball bust with other women and leave them messages I luv you and miss you and tell me nothing has happened. He said he says that to everyone...no he does not.. It just happened he bumped into Donna(nickname Lambchop) at the bank and then at the grocery store. Started he can't remember end of summer maybe. Really the OBW was for he can't remember how many years... Once a cheater always a cheater. I never let my guard down from the 1st one I was just waiting to catch him again. I did...he is a loser. Oh and Donna won't even answer her phone yep that's right I have her number. He called her twice in front of me to tell her its over, but he done that with April and he continued with her. Of course he did they work together. I did send a letter to his BIG boss and advised her of the situation. I names April but not him. He should know better than to mess with me. I have sympathy for all on this forum. Our daughter just gave birth Dec 26th to our 1st grandchild and we couldn't even embrace and hug because I found out Dec 20th of his yet another affair. The 1st affair I found out about 2 months after our daughter got married and a month after we had a house fire. Now he is begging for another chance he will stop he loves me. He knows he ruined everything. He starts counseling Jan 10th..we tried that before and see what happened.. Then yesterday he wanted to know if I would bring in the New Year with him. I said so he can F me over again, cause more mental an emotional abuse. Today he called me from work and asked if I wanted to go to an afternoon show with him I said NO. Sorry for rambling on but I have no other outlet.

sudra posted 1/4/2014 09:02 AM

Please notify the prison. He is in a position of power over those women. They deserve protection from him.

And you don't owe him anything. Your daughters will see the real story when he has to deal with the fallout at his job.

deena04 posted 1/4/2014 09:16 AM

Pain doesn't go away quickly or on its own. You are entitled to grieve and feel that pain. Drink, eat, exercise, sleep, and take care of yourself so you can be your best and deal in the way you need to. I haven't run into the OW yet, but dread it and can't even drive near where their encounter occurred. One day at a time... ((Hugs))

shattered79 posted 1/7/2014 12:24 PM

You will stop crying believe me..the 2nd time around...tears all dried up..but the heart is bleeding...

I think you should do what I did write his boss a letter..if he wasnt afraid to have the affair he should be afraid to have everyone know.

When will these guys keep their dicks in their pants...karma is a beotch

meplusfour posted 1/7/2014 12:52 PM

((Keebler))

With respect to your daughters, I would give them the choice whether to see the letters. I would talk to them alone and tell them the truth of the situation. That their father (and their grandmother) is lying to them, and the true facts. Then mention that you have letters from the inmate to their father. Ask them if they would like to see the letters. Tell them that they do not need to answer right away, but if they would like, you do have copies to show them. Also let them know that if they change their mind later, you will show the letters to them when they are ready.

With respect to the letters, I would make copies and store the originals in a safe place like a safety deposit box. Keep copies if you need to show them to your lawyer or your daughters. But do not keep the originals around where they may be taken.

Getting to Happy posted 1/7/2014 13:33 PM

Hey Keebler, how are you doing today?

I hope you feel better and the crying has subsided.

Please take care of yourself and your girls.

Peace and Strength to you.

(((((Keebler)))))