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Too early to remind her I love her? (BS response please)

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Prayingforhope posted 12/29/2013 09:11 AM

It's been just over 2 months since DDay. We separated immediately in the house and a month ago physically as my BS asked me to move out. When I moved out she put in place an additional NC rule between us, which I understand is part of the healing process and gives her the space she needs.

I have not broken the NC rule, which basically says only SHE can initiate contact between the two of us, unless it is about the kids, household stuff, finances, etc.

But, sharing feelings is a big part of this process and I miss her daily (hourly!) and I really wonder if it's okay to simply tell her I miss her, that I love her, that I am thinking about her, on a daily basis.

She won't respond as she is tough when it comes to rules, but I also don't want to do it IF it makes things worse for her. God knows I've already caused enough pain for 2 lifetimes...

Anyone have thoughts on best course of action here? We have our next couples therapy next week and I will probably ask her directly (I did this with regards to xmas gifts and it was the best approach).

AFrayedKnot posted 12/29/2013 09:16 AM

How about asking her if it is ok to express your feelings? and accepting and honoring her response for this moment

Prayingforhope posted 12/29/2013 09:19 AM

Thanks Chicho, I think that is the safest approach to ensure I'm not making things worse. Thanks for confirming it...

Kelany posted 12/29/2013 10:23 AM

It depends in my opinion. Is it going to be all about you? For example *I* miss you, *I'm* lonely, *I* want to talk to you, etc. If it's going to be about you? It may not go as well as you hope. So if you're going to do it, instead focus on her.

Have you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"? If not, get it, read it. It's short, concise and excellent. That woke my husband up to what I needed to heal. How to apologize, how to be there for me in ways that I needed.

Kalliopeia posted 12/29/2013 11:18 AM

You can say love all you want, but unless you back it up with action, your BS will feel even more hurt.

What I needed to hear: "I am here. I am not leaving you. I will do whatever it takes to support you, when you need to talk, I am here. If you want details, I am here. Is there anything I can do (around house, etc) to help you."

Things like that. And be prepared to be vented at when your BS starts wondering why you were not like this before the affair if you loved them so much. It's going to hurt you and frustrate you, make you mad, sad, tire you out. Re set your expectations of a fast reward and commit yourself. After you do all of that... say I love you and she may believe you again.

badmedicine posted 12/29/2013 11:28 AM

I agree with very sure that it isn't about YOU. How lonely you are, how much you miss her, how you have no one

Treading lightly now will pay off in the future. Maybe at MC ask if and when you can express your feelings and to what extent. If you told the AP that you loved them be prepared that using the L-word might be painful and not mean anything to BS right now. For me my WH rarely told me that and even said that he "didn't know" so when I found out he was telling OW that on the regular it made me sick. Hearing him plead with me that he loved me and always had made me want to curl up and die or kill him or both. You can reclaim it for yourselves with time but SHOWING her how you feel and doing as much as you can to be patient, and empathize/understand her feelings is the most important thing. From that she will see your feelings. Tell her with your actions, not your words. Words from waywards all feel like lies at 2 months out. Sorry, but that's the way it is. The fact that you are asking this and respecting her boundaries is huge. Keep it up, read the manual mentioned above, and hope for the best. Good luck.

Prayingforhope posted 12/29/2013 11:44 AM

Thank you all for the comments. Truly appreciated and yes, I think it's best to ask her first in counseling to see if it helps or hurts. Whatever her boundaries are, I am not crossing them.

I will get the book - THANKS for the recco - since it seems like I can't read enough these days on how to heal myself and (try) and take care of my wife.

And actions not words is all my IC and priest tell me as well. I need to keep hearing it but trust me, I'm living it as I am FIGHTING to save my marriage, my wife, my family and myself.

THANKS AGAIN - it really helps to hear it direct.

MairISaoirse posted 12/29/2013 11:53 AM

I was going through something similar, i had all these pent up thoughts and feelings, but I didn't want to press them on him if he really didn't want to hear them.

SO, i made an email account for him, separate from his general email address he uses for everything else, where I could send him letters telling him all my thoughts and feelings, and he could read them whenever he wanted, or not at all if he chose.

I kind of made it a journal of things I was doing and going through and feeling and thinking, that he would have access to. It really was more for me than for him, but i think he appreciates it because I'm much better at expressing myself through writing than through speaking and its opened up some conversations that we needed to have to move forward.

FeelingSoMuch posted 12/29/2013 11:59 AM

You have already received great advice here. As a BS, I'll share with you that if you follow what others are suggesting it'll likely be appreciated by your BS.

Good luck.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 12/29/2013 21:49 PM

May I ask why you had the affair if you loved your wife? I'm not bashing... My BF cheated on me and he says he doesn't know why? That he was stupid. In my case, he had just met her and it started 2 days after he met at a training class out of state. I guess I'm just looking for answers. Maybe there really isn't any. Thank you.

Prayingforhope posted 12/30/2013 01:42 AM

Hi BeyondBrokenInTN, it's possible he may not know why and I know how hard that it is to hear as I watch my own BS go through this horror that I created.

The reason why is a complicated mixture of who he is inside, the background he came from, whether or not he was capable of dealing with problems in a healthy way, is he emotionally open, able to be intimate, etc.

The important thing now is your WS needs to be doing the HARD WORK to help you get through this. He needs IC sessions, he needs a LOT of time to self-reflect, he needs to show you ACTION that he still loves you, no empty words. And most importantly, he needs to read the booklet "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

Finally, and I only suggest this in case your situation is a volatile as mine. You may need to separate - nothing legal, but just a "time out" so you have a space to heal without having to bump into your WS in the house. I've separated from my BS at her request for this very reason. While I was against it from the start, once I agreed it became so obvious it helped her that I regretted wasting even a couple weeks debating it.

If he does these things and commits all his energy to them, it will help you short term (which is the KEY right now) and MAY lay some groundwork for the two of you in the future.

Hang in there! Everything is pure pain in the early days, but it WILL get better. Even more if your WS commits to a recovery plan.

Prayingforhope posted 12/30/2013 02:11 AM

SamanthaBaker, THANK YOU again for the recco on the booklet. I got it last night and read it twice straight through and keep passing back to sections that really struck me - it helps a TON. If there was a WS program of recovery, that would be mandatory reading. Thanks for the guidance.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 12/30/2013 02:13 AM

Thank you so much! I suggested that he get the book do we will see. Good luck to you too!

Nailinmyforehead posted 12/30/2013 05:57 AM

Praying, you have received some great advice here. I want to let you know not to get discouraged if she lashes at you. I lashed out at my FWW, but she stayed CONSISTENT with her message to me. It almost felt, when looking back, that no matter how badly I lashed out at her when she would remind me that she loved me, she consistently pounded it in my head that yes- she loved me. She didn't let me forget and it showed me she was willing to put up with some serious lashing- (not on purpose, it just came out), and she stayed true to her message. Good luck to you and God help us all through this mess.

Kelany posted 12/30/2013 06:41 AM

You're welcome.. it is an excellent book.

Beemer posted 12/30/2013 08:57 AM

I love MairISaoirse's idea - as a BS, once I was open to the possiblity of reconciliation, I would have loved to have something like this from by WH - of course, my love language is words so this would have been perfect for me.

RipsInMyChest posted 12/30/2013 09:09 AM

As a BS, I agree with the suggestions of others....A journal, letters, a shared email account she can read when SHE is ready. Those ideas are a great way for you to communicate what you want to say to her in a non-intrusive way. I agree that it can't be all about YOU. She needs to know that when SHE needs to talk, you will be there and be ready to hear and validate her rage/pain/fear.

Having said that, I think the journal/letters/emails can also be a safe way of expressing your own pain and disgust with your actions. She will need to hear someday that you condemn your actions, are remorseful for the pain you have caused and that you VALUE her above all else. Let her know you miss her and will do WHATEVER it takes to help her heal...and then back it up with ACTIONS. Words are cheap to a BS.

I am past the 1 year mark and I now can listen to my H express how he hurt HIMSELF with his poor choices. I could not have tolerated hearing that in the first 9 months or so. But now it's important for me to know his integrity is intact and that his infidelity hurt HIM too. I need to know he has morals and values and that going against those is not something he ever will do again.

RipsInMyChest posted 12/30/2013 09:10 AM

Oops...double post.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 9:11 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

Prayingforhope posted 12/30/2013 11:40 AM

With regards to the journal comment, and this may just be me, but the journal is keeping me sane. As a WS who is alone for the holidays (we've separated, I've left the house with no family close by) if I wasn't able to journal, I think my mind would explode.

The guilt, the shame, the FEARS, the depression, everything pours out onto the pages and it feels has to be put somewhere and one of the reason I created this disaster in the first place is because I WASN'T able to share emotions openly.

Your comments about my BS accessing the journal on her terms helps a lot. We sort of bumped into this by accident since I back up my journal to my personal email account which my BS has access to. I know she has read it before and she has access to it at all times if she wants to read it again. I never realized this might help her as well, so glad that she has access to everything.

If I am totally honest, when I realized my journals were in my email account, I totally panicked. She literally was able to read 15+ years of my diary(!) BUT like so many things these days, the panic actually turned to a kind of transparent calm that she can see EVERYTHING about me - warts and all. I'm learning that WS who hope to recover and rebuild learn to love the power that comes from NO MORE SECRETS.

womaninflux posted 12/30/2013 12:02 PM

Are you going to counseling on your own to figure out why you did this? Show her - don't tell her - that you are working on yourself, challenging yourself to face the reasons why you did this and take total responsibility for this.

All I was interested in at that point after DD was feeling safe again, reassurance that this wasn't going to happen again, that there was no contact between my H and his AP.

Beyond that, I have no suggestions.

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