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Newest Member: betrayedinil (61145)

User Topic: Need help to move on!
♀ 40399
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I have been married for 24 years and have 3 children. I first suspected he was having an emotional affair in July, then after 4 months of promises that it was over then finding out it wasn't and then in September finding out that it was a physical affair (kissing and touching but not actual intercourse). I kicked him out for a short period and then decided to try and reconcile after having a long talk with him about what he truly wanted. He pretty much begged for another chance, took full responsibility for the affair and said he would do anything to reconcile. Since then he has quit his job, where he worked with the OW, of 22 years and started a whole different career, he has cut all contact with the OW, admits to being in a fog and how stupid he was, he has cried more in the last 4 months then I have seen him cry in the last 24 years, he continually offers support and apologizes for hurting me, he has also made new promises that he won't ever do it again and he realizes that I am unreplaceable.
So, what is my problem right? Well, even though he is doing everything right I am having trouble believing his sincerity at times, I feel like I have my gaurd up all the time. I want to believe everything so badly but there is a part of me that doubts him. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! Our intimacy and communication skills have never been better. I can't think of anything else he could do to prove to me that he is truly sorry. I want to take the leap of faith and believe him and be able to leave the past in the past and look forward to a new future but I don't know how to do it. How can I help myself stop the negative thoughts of what happened and all the what if's and I should haves? Are there any educational materials on the internet besides this site that have helped any of you? I would appreciate any advice! Thanks!!!!

Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so so so so normal!!

I hate to say it, and you may have heard it before, but time is the key to what you are looking for, and facing pain instead of turning away from it.

You don't have to believe him now, he has to re-build trust with you and accept any of the terms you need (which it sounds like he is).

I'm gonna quote blakesteele again here, his line that has gotten me through so many times when I got deep down into sadness. He said that he made a plan to 'not divorce' for the first year. That made a reasonable, manageable goal for me to hold onto when I felt like you do. I decided to 'not divorce' for a year (unless he lied again or broke our contract of NC with the OW etc.).

Maybe it can help you to make a similar decision?


me, BW: 37
FWH: 38
together 19 years, M 13 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 6 and 9

Posts: 530 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post is so similar to my situation. We were married 26 years when my H had his A. My job was eliminated so him just leaving his job wasn't an choice...however when I got a new job, we moved and he got away from the work environment.

It has taken a long time and the roller coaster still continues. I actually made a post about
Spam a little bit ago. However, it does get better.

My first challenge that my IC helped me with was deciding if I was staying or going. For over a year, I had one foot in the marriage and one foot out ready to run at anytime. I too was waiting for him to hurt me again and was ready to bolt when it happened. He told me that I had to commit to one or the other...I couldn't do both. It took me a while to process that, but he was right. I was not healing by being on the fence. I finally decided that healing was a process and regardless of my decision, I would still have the pain to address. I decided to keep both feet in the marriage as we worked toward R. Although that didn't mean I couldn't/wouldn't leave if he betrayed me again.

We also did couples devotion during our transition in relocation. We were between councilors, obtaining insurance, etc. That helped a lot to have some dialog about the affair and marriage that wasn't planned, but guided by the devotion guide. It was hard, we cried...we finally got to a place that we had to stop however. It got to be painful BUT we were healing and didn't want to talk about it every day. For me that was healing also.

It has taken me years of watching him and his consistency to feel comfortable he was not betraying me. I took YEARS to feel comfortable with him even having lunch alone with his family or a family funeral (very extended family) which was in the area OW lived without me. I am ok with short times, but still get nervous with long periods of time.

I do love him, our marriage in some ways is better than it has been. There are some things I miss and will never come back, but I would have missed them regardless of staying or leaving. You might give yourself some timelines to re-evaluate your feelings. You are at 6 months out...try again at 1 year (if you feel comfortable waiting that long). How is he acting, is he consistent or is he slipping backwards. Is your relationship improving? How are your feelings at that time?

My husband has told me this year, that I seem like I am getting happy again. It has been 4 years....I would not have been happy alone either. Betrayal sucks.

Support being sent your way.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, he's only been responsible and all-in since September. That's three short months. It's going to take a minimum, absolute minimum IMO, of him showing you by his actions, that he is becoming trustworthy for you to even contemplate taking that leap of faith. Forgiveness easily given, is not worth much to either person. Let him continue to show his commitment to you. You are giving him the gift of R. Let him show you proper appreciation for that gift. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9933 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 4

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