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Discouragement

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ResoluteH posted 12/29/2013 11:41 AM

Holidays are tough for us. In addition to the pain from my betraying my wife, we both lost our fathers during December, so there was already a sense of loss associated with the holidays.

Things have not been good between us for several weeks now, and I'm getting discouraged. Not so discouraged that I want to give up, but discouraged enough to make me pessimistic about ever having the sort of marriage both of us want. We haven't had any big arguments -- not even any small arguments -- but my wife has been very distant. I've asked her what she's feeling, if she's angry with me, if she wants to talk, and she just brushes me off. I'm not aware of creating distance from her myself, but I can be pretty self-absorbed and unaware of my own behavior, so she could certainly be feeling the distance from my side as well.

Just needed a place to say that, but feedback and encouragement (of both the gentle and tough-love varieties) are welcome.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 11:42 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 12/29/2013 11:44 AM

R takes a lot of patience, on both ends. And the holidays can be particularly difficult.

I encourage you to keep being supportive of her and her feelings. She's in her own special kind of pain. Are you two in MC? Maybe someone to support you both in improving communication skills would be helpful.

ResoluteH posted 12/29/2013 11:57 AM

Are you two in MC?

Yes. Joint and both of us individual with the same skilled counselor for more than three years, and we'll keep it up as long as we need to -- which currently looks like a very long time. (Fortunately, he's younger than we are! But now that I think about it, he's not THAT much younger. Maybe we should start making a deal with him to keep us on after he retires. ) I'm quite sure we would be divorced if it were not for him.

authenticnow posted 12/29/2013 12:21 PM

That's good. Just keep at it. I know it can be very discouraging, but you can get there.

Good luck!

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/29/2013 18:34 PM

I've asked her what she's feeling, if she's angry with me, if she wants to talk, and she just brushes me off.

I think it's great that you are asking these questions but sometimes a BS can get tired of always being the one to initiate the discussions. Asking how she is feeling isn't you initiating because then she has to be the one to open up. Maybe it's just too much for her to put herself in that vulnerable of a position right now.

Have you tried initiating discussions to express your feelings and your emotions? It might help close that gap you are feeling right now.

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