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Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 11:48 AM

I have been married twice, the first marriage, my ex lied to me and said she was PG, I was scared of my dad so we got married. A few hours before the wedding, she says "guess what? I'm not PG" I had been a virgin (yes, 18 and a virgin) needless to say we did have a child. She did leave, we are friends now. We both know we should not have gotten married.

A few years later, I met a smoking hot girl. I loved her, we got married. Two months after the taste if wedding cake she was telling me no to sex, I was used to our premarital sex (all the time!!!) as soon as our first child was born, it seemed it was worse. She would just lay there. Like a bag of flour. I was young and didn't know how selfish I was being, she would say no, I'd climb on anyway and have my way. I thought once your married it was sex sex sex all the time. I was unhappy with the sex. My wife came to me crying saying she couldn't keep up and I should find a GF. (Okay if you read this far, that does not mean find a GF!) I met a girl that worked next door, I was 26, and she was blown away that I'd never had a BJ, I'd been married twice and over that much time still hadn't had one. We'll I was curious, but didn't act. In time I got mad because my wife was just laying there like a bag of flour and I acted. The OW was more than willing to do it, I was surprised that any woman would. I felt so guilty having done what I did. I enjoyed it but felt ashamed. I swore I'd never do it again, but I did. It became easier. One lead to another and so on. I changed jobs and it stopped for awhile, I felt better but our sex was still cold. I changed jobs again, and began sexting and then I started acting in it. I had it all, a wife that took care of the house, money was tight we fought some, sex was the same, no romance, cold but I had it on the side.
I came clean one day, the OW said she would tell my wife if I didn't. That was DDAY #1. She swore she would get revenge. Several years pass, things seem to have worked themselves out. More children, good job. Then, I was looking for a folder and ran across emails between her and her old BF from High School. They had met in a motel. She swears nothing happened except they kissed. (I don't believe her) well, I then started looking again for a strange piece of ass, it was easy, it's everywhere, married, single it didn't matter. After about a year of this I was talking to one. She wanted it all. She wanted me to leave my wife, had me convinced it would be great. I even told her I was leaving.
Then it happened, I realized, like a light coming on, WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? I decided I would end it with the OW. I'd been married 24 years and had 4 kids, was I thinking with the wrong head!!! ??? .
I decided I would cut off from social media. I wasn't going to tell my wife, I'd put her through so much already.
DDAY #2, one of the OW, decided to send my wife every email, text, video, picture. It was devastating. Hundreds of them.
My wife became physical with me, I never laid a hand on her, she's got a left hook and right cross I tell ya, and nails sharp as razors. She moved passed all of that, we went to therapy individually and together, we still go, I understand I will not have the same relationship I had before and was told last night I might not have sex with her ever, I'm okay with that (for now) we have 3 children together 24, 18, 16. Plus a 28 yr old from my first marriage.
We both visit different support sights.

Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.

brkn_heartd posted 12/29/2013 14:09 PM

Destroyedlives,
Welcome to SI. There is a lot of support here and a lot of wisdom. The healing library in the upper left corner has some great information too.

I am going to give you input from the betrayed spouse's perspective. Get yourself an individual counselor (IC) and start working on yourself and why you did what you did. You can blame it on sex, but many people have a less than fulfilling sex life and do not have affairs. Your wife could probably use an IC. Through our work after my former wayward husband's (FWH) affair, our best results were from using separate IC's...that we did not share individual or in couples counseling.

Read as much as you can about helping your spouse heal from an affair. It takes on average 2-5 years to heal. It is a very dynamic roller coaster and it the most difficult thing I have ever been on.

FIRST...DO NOT LIE...tell the truth to the questions she asks. You will not get a do over if you lie...each lie makes the truth harder to rebuild. Make sure you send a no contact (NC) letter to your affair partner(s) (AP). Keep a copy for your wife. OR you would probably do best to let her see them prior to sending. Make a timeline of your affairs (A). Provide all passwords to every electronic device you own and every account you have. Prior to deleting anything, let her review it first. Right now, you have to rebuild trust. It will come painfully slow...but each step you do that you do independently will help demonstrate that you are sincere.

There will be others that will post shortly offering different perspectives. Once again welcome...there are other forums that could be beneficial to your wife also.

Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 14:23 PM

We have been in IC,

She has all my passwords, she says she don't want them cause she don't care anymore.

It's been over 2 years and there has been zero contact with AP's.

I know social media is an easy place to "contact" AP. so I am not on any social media sites. I asked her about her mysterious phone numbers on her cell account and she said she was texting "friends" from a support group. I asked if any were men, she said yes. I'm jealous a little. I try and focus on other things so I don't smoother her or drive myself crazy.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding and helping. This site helps and I'm so thankful, it's hard and mostly impossible to talk to family and friends they want to choose side and make things uncomfortable.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/29/2013 15:39 PM

Whew. What a mess! Sympathizing...not judging.

What do you (both) want? That's really the first step. If she wants to stay married forever, and never have sex with you again...I sense that's not going to work for you. You're not doing each other any favors staying in a M that's unsatisfying, and waiting until your youngest is 18 or 22 and *then* springing D on her would be cruel. Unless that's what you both agree to.

If you want to stay married forever, and you want (passionate) sex once a week, and the occasional BJ...that may not work for your wife.

Have you wandered over to the I Can Relate forum and read the MH (Mad Hatters) thread? MH are people who have both cheated and been cheated on. I'm not going to label you or your wife, that's for you to decide, but she clearly had an emotional and physical (kissing counts, but I'd bet $1000 they had sex...and, sorry, probably hot, dirty sex she'd be too embarrassed to have with you) affair too.

And by the way, a revenge affair (RA) is about as fair as a revenge beat-down. You did not deserve her RA and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. She physically assaulted you, so do you think you deserve to turn around and punch her? Yeah, of course not. I'm not hearing you say anything about how (emotionally) hurt you were by her RA, or her physical violence.

Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 17:38 PM

I feel to she has had the "nasty" or the RA, I even waited until we were having a good discussion and brought it up but she says she didn't do anything. I felt angry, I did want to loose my mind, I checked all the phone records I did everything, I didn't trust her. As far as her physical abuse, I've been in fights as a kid and survived.
Her 8000 - 12000 text messages a month is kinda scary. She says it's her new support group. It has about the same 20-25 numbers. This past Saturday, she said she needed to go to work. Not unusual, she is a hard and decicated worker. However, when I asked her did you get much done, she didn't get much done. Then I checked our cell phone bill and seen that from the time she left until the time she showed back up she was texting the same 3-4 numbers the entire time. Not even a break, over 230 text in just over 3 hours.
I do want to stay married. I am allowed to sleep in the same bed, she likes to be rubbed to go to sleep (light rubbing her back to relax) but that's as far as it goes. At first (at DDay) I have never ever, in the length of my sexual activities, had a connection. I don't want to get graphic but it was the most awesome thing I ever experienced. But that stopped. She says it was her "flight or fight" mode. She said I could do what I needed to, find someone to cheat with, masturbate whatever. She says "I don't care, I can't care anymore about that"
I would like occasional sex with her, once a week would be more than I was getting before DDay, and a BJ would NEVER happen, she never did it, never will (she expects oral though) I would like to have sex again before I forget how.... I am 50! Lol.
We both have discussed it, and we both want to stay married. We are both working at it.
Input is welcomed

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/29/2013 18:32 PM

Umm, that is a lot of support. Have you seen the text messages? You need to.

She said I could do what I needed to, find someone to cheat with, masturbate whatever. She says "I don't care, I can't care anymore about that"

Even if your wife had never cheated...her attitude, coupled with the text messages, is troubling.

My recommendation is that you make transparency a condition of reconciliation. You share email passwords, you get to look at each others' phones anytime, on demand, and you use a service such as Life 360 (assuming you have smartphones) to track each others' whereabouts.

If she balks at that...well, you'll have to decide what you're willing tolerate. Trust is a two-way street.

Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 19:42 PM

I don't think she will agree to that. She says that's for her "recovery" and none of my business. I am the one that did this and if I didn't like it I could leave.
I am seeing a councilor and I'm going to ask her how I should approach it. I leave for off shore Tuesday morning. I will be back the end of January. We have wifi on the ship. I should be able to keep in touch with you guys.