I told him that I knew and he would need to leave the house immediately, I wanted nothing to do with him. After hours of crying and talking and him begging for my forgiveness/wanting another chance, I relented. I demanded to look at everything on his phone (texts, calls, emails, fb, etc) and I discovered hundreds of texts and facebook messages. I was so disgusted by what I found. It wasn't just physical, and the things he said to her hurts me so bad. Calling her nicknames and saying how much he misses and likes her, talking about how he had to wait til I left the house, the things he'd do to her, pictures exchanged, him talking about a future with her... I want to die.
Husband says he loves only me, it was a mistake, etc and will try to do anything and everything to fix this and I told him the only was was for me to make him change basically his entire lifestyle, eliminate all traces of her, and for me to know EVERYTHING (all passwords, his whereabouts, complete transparency), otherwise how could I be sure? But this is not the kind of relationship I want to have. I don't want to have to control and monitor everything he does. I have zero trust in him now and this will haunt me my entire life. He is not the same to me.
Even if he is "perfect" from here on out, how will I ever let it go, really? How am I get the visuals out of my head? I regret looking at all their text exchanges, but I had to know at the time. He was such a good liar to me during that time and for him to have the audacity to carry on like that for months... did I ever really know him? If it was just a one night stand I might be able to forgive him more easily, but this was such a calculated and deliberate thing he was doing, knowingly taking actions that would break my heart. Further, if I never confronted him, I don't think he would have ever told me.
I told him I would let him try, but I am nowhere close to forgiving him. It's been one night and couldn't sleep because I was crying and I didn't know how this was possibly going to work. Deep down I feel like it will take me months, probably years to get back to where we were and I don't know that he has that resolve in him to try for that long. I can hold a grudge about petty things, and this is one of the worst things that could be done to someone. I think he'll get tired of trying and will cheat again or will want to leave me, leaving me a bigger mess than I am now. I do love him, but I'll never be able to look at him the same way, I'll never be able to fully trust him again. Should I bother letting him try to fix this or should I end it now?
[This message edited by broken1210 at 12:43 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
You will go through a wild rollercoaster of emotions. This is NOT something that will "go away" or will be fixed easily or quickly. This is a huge life-altering traumatic event. It shakes us to the core. Changes everything we thought or believed to be true. The trauma is intense.
Please do not try to make any decisions about your future at this point. Just be good to yourself. Self-care is your priority.
Try to eat. Stay hydrated. Try to get some exercise. Try to sleep (take an OTC sleep aid, if needed). See your doctor if you cannot cope. Get tested for STDs (yuck, I know, but necessary!). Keep posting. You will find lots of good advice and much needed support here.
I am so very sorry for your pain. You've got 40K new "friends" here who have got your back!
Slow down. You do not have to decide anything right now. Now is all about taking care of you! Getting through this will take some time and a rollercoaster ride is for certain. Go to the healing library which is on the left hand side at the top and spend some time reading. It is a personal decision on whether or not to reconcile and this choice does not need to be made now.
Keep posting and try to eat, sleep, and hydrate yourself as much as you can. More help is sure to follow.
Even if he is "perfect" from here on out, how will I ever let it go, really? How am I get the visuals out of my head?
It may never happen, time is the only answer I can give you.
You have already done some things perfectly demanding transparency. Look into the 180.
[This message edited by K Phantom at 1:32 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
You are correct. It's going to take time to get through this. But for right now, this very moment, you do not have to decide anything. You take the time that YOU need. Stay hydrated. Eat what you can. Try to rest when you can. Make yourself the priority.
If you look in the upper left corner, you'll see a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library in that box and start reading. There is a lot of good advice there written by people who have been through this as well. Also, any of the posts in this forum with bulls-eyes next to them are good as well. You may have to go to page 2,3, or 4 to find them, but take a look.
Tomorrow I would suggest that there are a couple of things that you do need to do. The first, unfortunately, is to call your doctor and schedule a full STD/HIV panel of tests. Your WH needs to do this as well, and his results must be given to you by his doctor or officially you cannot trust his word that he did it and is OK. Everyone here has had to make that same phone call. And there has not been one doctor's office who has been shocked by that. The next thing I would suggest is that you call a lawyer and schedule a consult to find out what your rights are, should you officially separate or divorce. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean that you ARE going to do so, but information is golden, and you should seek out that information "in case."
Please take care of yourself. It's all so very overwhelming, we know. But we're all here to help support you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012