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it's barely been a day... don't know what to do

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broken1210 posted 12/29/2013 12:41 PM

I found out on my own just barely 24 hours ago and confronted my husband of 5+ years a few hours after the fact. He had been sleeping with another woman (who has her own boyfriend) for the past 3-4 months and he was emotionally involved as well.

I told him that I knew and he would need to leave the house immediately, I wanted nothing to do with him. After hours of crying and talking and him begging for my forgiveness/wanting another chance, I relented. I demanded to look at everything on his phone (texts, calls, emails, fb, etc) and I discovered hundreds of texts and facebook messages. I was so disgusted by what I found. It wasn't just physical, and the things he said to her hurts me so bad. Calling her nicknames and saying how much he misses and likes her, talking about how he had to wait til I left the house, the things he'd do to her, pictures exchanged, him talking about a future with her... I want to die.

Husband says he loves only me, it was a mistake, etc and will try to do anything and everything to fix this and I told him the only was was for me to make him change basically his entire lifestyle, eliminate all traces of her, and for me to know EVERYTHING (all passwords, his whereabouts, complete transparency), otherwise how could I be sure? But this is not the kind of relationship I want to have. I don't want to have to control and monitor everything he does. I have zero trust in him now and this will haunt me my entire life. He is not the same to me.

Even if he is "perfect" from here on out, how will I ever let it go, really? How am I get the visuals out of my head? I regret looking at all their text exchanges, but I had to know at the time. He was such a good liar to me during that time and for him to have the audacity to carry on like that for months... did I ever really know him? If it was just a one night stand I might be able to forgive him more easily, but this was such a calculated and deliberate thing he was doing, knowingly taking actions that would break my heart. Further, if I never confronted him, I don't think he would have ever told me.

I told him I would let him try, but I am nowhere close to forgiving him. It's been one night and couldn't sleep because I was crying and I didn't know how this was possibly going to work. Deep down I feel like it will take me months, probably years to get back to where we were and I don't know that he has that resolve in him to try for that long. I can hold a grudge about petty things, and this is one of the worst things that could be done to someone. I think he'll get tired of trying and will cheat again or will want to leave me, leaving me a bigger mess than I am now. I do love him, but I'll never be able to look at him the same way, I'll never be able to fully trust him again. Should I bother letting him try to fix this or should I end it now?

[This message edited by broken1210 at 12:43 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

scared&stronger posted 12/29/2013 12:54 PM

Emotions are high, thoughts unclear and things tilting fast. You found a good place for support. Be careful and go slow. Don't make any permanent choices or commitments. You make you the first priority. Get support in from someone you trust implicitly.

StillStanding1 posted 12/29/2013 12:59 PM

I am so very sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us! I am amazed that you found this site so quickly and are "capable" enough (within 24 hours of discovery) to be posting rational thoughts. Actually blown away....

You will go through a wild rollercoaster of emotions. This is NOT something that will "go away" or will be fixed easily or quickly. This is a huge life-altering traumatic event. It shakes us to the core. Changes everything we thought or believed to be true. The trauma is intense.

Please do not try to make any decisions about your future at this point. Just be good to yourself. Self-care is your priority.

Try to eat. Stay hydrated. Try to get some exercise. Try to sleep (take an OTC sleep aid, if needed). See your doctor if you cannot cope. Get tested for STDs (yuck, I know, but necessary!). Keep posting. You will find lots of good advice and much needed support here.

I am so very sorry for your pain. You've got 40K new "friends" here who have got your back!

K Phantom posted 12/29/2013 13:09 PM

Welcome broken1210. Iím so sorry you are here.

Slow down. You do not have to decide anything right now. Now is all about taking care of you! Getting through this will take some time and a rollercoaster ride is for certain. Go to the healing library which is on the left hand side at the top and spend some time reading. It is a personal decision on whether or not to reconcile and this choice does not need to be made now.

Keep posting and try to eat, sleep, and hydrate yourself as much as you can. More help is sure to follow.

Even if he is "perfect" from here on out, how will I ever let it go, really? How am I get the visuals out of my head?

It may never happen, time is the only answer I can give you.

You have already done some things perfectly demanding transparency. Look into the 180.

[This message edited by K Phantom at 1:32 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Skan posted 12/29/2013 13:20 PM

Hey there, welcome. I know that your mind is going crazy, you have a million thoughts all going at once, and your emotions are plunging up and down like a ship in a storm. This is normal. Absolutely normal. You are not going crazy, you are reacting in a normal fashion to extreme shock and stress.

You are correct. It's going to take time to get through this. But for right now, this very moment, you do not have to decide anything. You take the time that YOU need. Stay hydrated. Eat what you can. Try to rest when you can. Make yourself the priority.

If you look in the upper left corner, you'll see a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library in that box and start reading. There is a lot of good advice there written by people who have been through this as well. Also, any of the posts in this forum with bulls-eyes next to them are good as well. You may have to go to page 2,3, or 4 to find them, but take a look.

Tomorrow I would suggest that there are a couple of things that you do need to do. The first, unfortunately, is to call your doctor and schedule a full STD/HIV panel of tests. Your WH needs to do this as well, and his results must be given to you by his doctor or officially you cannot trust his word that he did it and is OK. Everyone here has had to make that same phone call. And there has not been one doctor's office who has been shocked by that. The next thing I would suggest is that you call a lawyer and schedule a consult to find out what your rights are, should you officially separate or divorce. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean that you ARE going to do so, but information is golden, and you should seek out that information "in case."

Please take care of yourself. It's all so very overwhelming, we know. But we're all here to help support you.

SOCCER41 posted 12/29/2013 13:20 PM

I just found out myself also the other day. We have 4 boys and have been married for almost 14 years. We took a family break because we were all stressed and needed time away. Never in my life did I think he would never come home. He sees a therapist weekly. For 1 year I took care of the children all by myself. He came to visit on Wednesdays and Sundays. He was staying with a friend in his basement. He decided to move out when they started not getting along. With no place for him to go. She opened up her couch for him and one thing led to a other. I was devistated to find out that they were looking for an apartment together so he could have a place for the boys to visit. I told him that there is no way I was going to let my boys go there. He could come visit them here. That was last June. Since then his therapist told him that he was ready to move back home. The week of thanksgiving he had to run out to work. He came home 45 minutes later and told me to sit down. After he went to work he went to the apartment to get the rest of his stuff out. He left the key on the counter. She then texted me and told me that I won and to have a nice life together. I thought that was it. I didn't know at that point jus suspected. We got along great together and with the boys. For the first time in along time I thought this could work out. Then it happened. He came clean. She sensed that he wanted to be with his family and threatened to tell me. I was devistated! Went thru all of the emotions. I have to be strong for my boys! We talked and he said that he was tired of being a part time father and wanted to be a full time one. He realized how much he missed his kids and how much he had hurt me. He wanted to try to make our family work again. I told him that he needed to cut her off ASAP everything. Told him that he should probably tell their mutual friends as he claims that nobody knew. Last night he returned the key again and td her it was over. I still love my husband. He is willing to go to couples therapy. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. For our family sake I am willing to work on us despite all of the bad he has done to me/us. If it doesn't work out then will seek divorce. He knows how much he is going to lose! His "friend". Texted me last night telling me she was going to fight for him! She is still married herself seperated from her husband. She told me that he is making a big mistake and because of all my threats (none) he ran back home. This is going to be very hard for me! I am a very strong person and thank god I have a lot of support! I hope I am making the right decision

scared&stronger posted 12/29/2013 13:48 PM

I would suggest for those of you who fresh to this mess, please make sure that you read the 180 ASAP! it will help you in ways you canNOT imagine now. But when you are a little further down the road you will be grateful for having read it and taken it to heart.

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