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Reconciliation :
Triggers

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 FracturedSoul (original poster member #41792) posted at 7:58 PM on Sunday, December 29th, 2013

I feel so stupid for asking this....but is there anyway to predict what could possibly be a trigger?

We had a lovely day as a family...laughing together, having fun and suddenly out of nowhere...BOOM!...I start crying and feeling sorry for myself. No one said or did anything upsetting...so why am I crying???

BS-34
FWH-34
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 12 Sept 2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.
Dday 2: 08 Nov 2014. There was more. Much more.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2013   ·   location: South Africa
id 6615976
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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 10:28 PM on Sunday, December 29th, 2013

Over time, you will start to figure out things that are likely to make you trigger, but honestly, if there's a way to predict all of them, I'll be darned if I've figured it out! I triggered hard last night because I spilled a glass of wine. As you said, just out of no where.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6616090
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creativecat ( member #41728) posted at 7:56 PM on Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

I've triggered in happy situations because all of a sudden I think, we were just like this when all of WH's actvities were going on all those years! I'm still in the Why/How could you stage, so it comes up for me pretty frequently. Dday#2 for us was only about 5 months ago, so I hope I can get a handle on the triggers soon, too.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2013
id 6619703
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greengiant ( member #41196) posted at 2:17 AM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Sometimes I think you'll be able to predict what will be, sometime it is just impossible I think. I think it is part of the rollercoster, sometime when it has to go down, it just goes.

ME - BS - 35 (33 on dDay)
fWW - 35 (33 on dDay)
Married 10 years, together 17
3 kids: 8, 6 and 4
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

posts: 145   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Quebec, Canada
id 6620091
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Justgreatnews ( member #41666) posted at 4:12 AM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Last night when I triggered while making meatballs I realized this is going to be a long and bumpy road.

posts: 261   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 6620223
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inshockandhurt ( member #38789) posted at 5:24 AM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Unfortunately triggers are unpredictable, but what you can do is arm yourself with ways to deal with them when they happen. Sometimes you will be able to control your reaction to triggers by using various techniques, like the stop sign or picturing a box and putting the trigger in it to think about later when you are able to relax and let yourself freak out. I know how hard it is to control these things and honestly most of the time you may not be able to, although as time goes on the triggers will have less of a hold on you. From your registration date it looks like you are pretty close to Dday so everything will be a very hard to control but there will come a time when you are better able to deal with them. I remember a few days after my Dday we took my our son to a museum to try and get some space from what was happening and I sat there staring at the huge trains with tears running down my face and people staring at me. At this point all you can do is be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be a mess. Hugs FracturedSoul.

Me: 36 BS
Him:38 FWH
Dday 8 years ago
2 sons 1 daughter
Reconciled

Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance, and giving up on looking back.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2013
id 6620292
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inshockandhurt ( member #38789) posted at 5:27 AM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

I just read your profile, it looks like you are not new to this rodeo, but I think the same advice applies, they can't be predicted but you can own them by controlling your thoughts as best you can and giving yourself permission to be upset, sometimes when I refuse to acknowledge my trigger and try to simply deny them they just get worse.

Me: 36 BS
Him:38 FWH
Dday 8 years ago
2 sons 1 daughter
Reconciled

Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance, and giving up on looking back.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2013
id 6620295
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Sadjacey ( member #41655) posted at 2:12 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

He used Asian prostiitutes - Asian women trigger me. But maybe the hardest is, as others have said, when all seems to be going well, and the thoughts ambush me. Not nice.

Me: BS 61
WH: 61
Married 40 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2013 phone, txt to same prostitute found

posts: 196   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2013
id 6620529
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steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

So many triggers. Good things trigger me, silly things, jokes, lines from movies, story lines, watching Good Luck Charlie with DD10, and it's one where lies get them in trouble, triggering me, blond women (also, all over Good Luck Charlie), vanilla ice cream, smells, his text ringtone, (it used to be mine, too, but I had to change it)... Songs... Everything is a potential trigger.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

posts: 2303   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6620643
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:41 PM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

I think you can predict some, but some are always going to come out of left field.

3 years out, pictures of butterflies always trigger me. (They told each other some shit like they were in cocoons and soon they'd come out as beautiful butterflies. ) There are still surprises, though, and they're the ones that really hurt.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:43 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31118   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6620687
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steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

So, my daughter loves Good Luck Charlie, but that show is apparently a trigger fest for me. Attractive young blondes abound, many episodes involve lying (with consequences), two epis with cheating as the theme, and now, they have a new baby... And his name is the name the prostitute uses as her "stage name". Bad enough? Nope, my dd10 got a new doll, and also named the doll that. And my dd12 apparently has a friend at school with the name. They have said the name like 30 times in the last half hour, and I am ready to freak the fuck out.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

posts: 2303   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6628616
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 FracturedSoul (original poster member #41792) posted at 10:51 AM on Friday, January 10th, 2014

Hi all...sorry I didn't reply after the post...I forgot to tick the little box that links responses to my email...

Thank you for your responses...I really wish there was some magic trick to predict and deal with triggers...but knowing that it is at least normal (for us as BS's) helps alot!

BS-34
FWH-34
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 12 Sept 2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.
Dday 2: 08 Nov 2014. There was more. Much more.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2013   ·   location: South Africa
id 6632952
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steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 11:05 AM on Friday, January 10th, 2014

me, too. I think it's just... Time. Sometimes they make me sad, sometimes, scared, and sometimes enraged. But, yeah, i am getting sick of this whole fight or flight bullshizz. Just trying to watch a damn movie is a nightmare.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

posts: 2303   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6632971
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