The first one is that since the beginning of finding out of his affair (his affair happened with someone he worked with. He doesn't work there anymore.) 13 months ago, I have asked him to let me know if he will be somewhere different or out of the ordinary. I don't like contacting him and he not being where I think he is. I get little panic attacks. It took him quite a while to understand what I needed. and he is pretty good with texting me when he is going to lunch. But he still forgets. His new workplace has a game room with foozeball and pool and stuff. A few weeks ago, I had a few break downs because there were a few circumstantial things that made me nervous. Last Thursday, I called him and he was playing pool without letting me know. He told me as soon as he answered where he was, but am I asking too much to have him shoot me a text if he gets up from his desk? For me, I figure that if his heart was really into R, he would do anything and try extra hard to fulfill what I have asked of him. In the beginning I even wanted to know if he went to the bathroom. Am I asking too much? Am I being controlling? Now I have a tablet so yesterday I got snapchat and asked him to snapchat me when I am having a hard time. But am I going overboard?
The second thing is his reasons of "why the affair" contradicts each other to me. In the long run, I know this doesn't matter, so maybe you can tell me to let it go, or what helped you or smack me upside the head. But he says he thought I wasn't happy and was going to leave him anyway. (On a side note, to me this reason is putting the blame on me. He has taken responsibility for his actions except for this. It feels like he is saying "because of the way you behaved and treated me, I wanted someone new so I had an affair and just screams that it was my fault") But then he also said he planned on hiding the affair for as long as possible to keep our life going the same. But if I was so miserable to be with that he choose as someone over me, why did he want to stay? I don't think I am making sense, sorry. But any thoughts on my ramblings would be great, thanks.
Have you both had IC? It can be very beneficial. We did ours after a year out because things were not working out like I thought they should. Ultimately, it really helped us both. We had separate councilors.
Snapchat probably isn't realistic if he is working. My FWH sends me text's through the day and there are times I just cannot answer due to my job. Your H may have the same issue. I believe the root cause for you need for snapchat is that trust has not been restored and he is not doing what he needs to help you restore it.
Has he given you a time line, full disclosure, full access etc? It still sounds like there is a lot lacking in your healing. Support is being sent your way.
Am I asking too much? Am I being controlling?
No. You are being insecure, which is only to be expected under the circumstances. It is his job to help alleviate that. I think it's perfectly fine for him to text you every time he leaves his desk. You guys could even make up a shorthand so it could be quick. And he should be glad that you care enough to give a hoot what he is doing. He should look at it as an opportunity to make you feel better.
As to the "why", mine said almost the exact same thing. He thought I was going to leave him, so he did this knowing that it would probably make his "worst fear" happen. What kind of sense does that make? I just throw it all into the crazy basket of the fog. As long as he takes responsibility now and realizes how ridiculous that thought process was, I would try to let it go. Trying to make sense of the craziness is almost impossible.
I also wanted constant texts from WH advising where he is at all times. My WH is in sales so has a lot of freedom with his job. It was recommended by his counselor that we stop the texting to see how I would react. After the addiction (yes, I believe it was an addiction) wore off with do feel ok with not hearing from him constantly. I do ask him to text me at random times and if he is going somewhere out of his normal routine. I find that reminding myself that I can't control his actions, that him and only him can control whether he has another affair does help with my anxiety. I do know that if he does it again I will walk away.