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uggg. At times like this I wish I had a friend I could talk with

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confusedsad posted 12/29/2013 14:05 PM

I guess that is why I am glad I can post here. I have a few things that have been on my mind.

The first one is that since the beginning of finding out of his affair (his affair happened with someone he worked with. He doesn't work there anymore.) 13 months ago, I have asked him to let me know if he will be somewhere different or out of the ordinary. I don't like contacting him and he not being where I think he is. I get little panic attacks. It took him quite a while to understand what I needed. and he is pretty good with texting me when he is going to lunch. But he still forgets. His new workplace has a game room with foozeball and pool and stuff. A few weeks ago, I had a few break downs because there were a few circumstantial things that made me nervous. Last Thursday, I called him and he was playing pool without letting me know. He told me as soon as he answered where he was, but am I asking too much to have him shoot me a text if he gets up from his desk? For me, I figure that if his heart was really into R, he would do anything and try extra hard to fulfill what I have asked of him. In the beginning I even wanted to know if he went to the bathroom. Am I asking too much? Am I being controlling? Now I have a tablet so yesterday I got snapchat and asked him to snapchat me when I am having a hard time. But am I going overboard?

The second thing is his reasons of "why the affair" contradicts each other to me. In the long run, I know this doesn't matter, so maybe you can tell me to let it go, or what helped you or smack me upside the head. But he says he thought I wasn't happy and was going to leave him anyway. (On a side note, to me this reason is putting the blame on me. He has taken responsibility for his actions except for this. It feels like he is saying "because of the way you behaved and treated me, I wanted someone new so I had an affair and just screams that it was my fault") But then he also said he planned on hiding the affair for as long as possible to keep our life going the same. But if I was so miserable to be with that he choose as someone over me, why did he want to stay? I don't think I am making sense, sorry. But any thoughts on my ramblings would be great, thanks.

brkn_heartd posted 12/29/2013 14:16 PM

confusedsad,
I am sorry you are struggling right now. In reading your post, he has not taken accountability in his A. He is blaming you for his A. Until that resolves, the other issues will not resolve. He is not telling you where he is going because it is not important to him. He has moved on because it "was your fault" not his. Until he owns it...nothing will change.

Have you both had IC? It can be very beneficial. We did ours after a year out because things were not working out like I thought they should. Ultimately, it really helped us both. We had separate councilors.

Snapchat probably isn't realistic if he is working. My FWH sends me text's through the day and there are times I just cannot answer due to my job. Your H may have the same issue. I believe the root cause for you need for snapchat is that trust has not been restored and he is not doing what he needs to help you restore it.

Has he given you a time line, full disclosure, full access etc? It still sounds like there is a lot lacking in your healing. Support is being sent your way.

heforgotme posted 12/29/2013 16:08 PM

Am I asking too much? Am I being controlling?

No. You are being insecure, which is only to be expected under the circumstances. It is his job to help alleviate that. I think it's perfectly fine for him to text you every time he leaves his desk. You guys could even make up a shorthand so it could be quick. And he should be glad that you care enough to give a hoot what he is doing. He should look at it as an opportunity to make you feel better.

As to the "why", mine said almost the exact same thing. He thought I was going to leave him, so he did this knowing that it would probably make his "worst fear" happen. What kind of sense does that make? I just throw it all into the crazy basket of the fog. As long as he takes responsibility now and realizes how ridiculous that thought process was, I would try to let it go. Trying to make sense of the craziness is almost impossible.

Gotmegood posted 12/29/2013 16:20 PM

I'm so glad you have SI too. I know that it has helped me tremendously, especially when I feel unsure of my thoughts. I don't know about you, but I have not shared my story with my friends or family, it's just too gross, and so I end up worrying and crying by myself.
First of all, it makes perfect sense to me that you trigger when he's at work, since that is where he found AP. if he is understanding and owning his shit, he will be able to get it too. Have a talk with him and ask for his input. What are his ideas about how he can calm you and give you the security you need and DESERVE when he is at work. Good luck. Keep us posted.

Gotmegood posted 12/29/2013 16:20 PM

I'm so glad you have SI too. I know that it has helped me tremendously, especially when I feel unsure of my thoughts. I don't know about you, but I have not shared my story with my friends or family, it's just too gross, and so I end up worrying and crying by myself.
First of all, it makes perfect sense to me that you trigger when he's at work, since that is where he found AP. if he is understanding and owning his shit, he will be able to get it too. Have a talk with him and ask for his input. What are his ideas about how he can calm you and give you the security you need and DESERVE when he is at work. Good luck. Keep us posted.

Zayda1 posted 12/29/2013 16:25 PM

I have no advice. I have a very similar situation to you (as to the why he did it). I am currently in IC working through my own issues. My main one being why I caused my WH to cheat. My counselor can talk till she is blue in the face, but I still blame myself for his affair.

I also wanted constant texts from WH advising where he is at all times. My WH is in sales so has a lot of freedom with his job. It was recommended by his counselor that we stop the texting to see how I would react. After the addiction (yes, I believe it was an addiction) wore off with do feel ok with not hearing from him constantly. I do ask him to text me at random times and if he is going somewhere out of his normal routine. I find that reminding myself that I can't control his actions, that him and only him can control whether he has another affair does help with my anxiety. I do know that if he does it again I will walk away.

confusedsad posted 1/2/2014 11:44 AM

Thanks for the replies. It is nice to know I am not going overboard. This trust is a tricky thing. My husband read this post and I think it helped him realize what I was feeling. So thank you.

steadfast1973 posted 1/2/2014 12:56 PM

Today is my wh's first full day back at work. I kind of want to text him, and for him to text all day... With pictures, so I know he's still at work.

Katz13 posted 1/2/2014 14:32 PM

Like you all here, my husband had an affair w/ a co-worker. Very anxious now that he is back at work. I just found out about it last week!! He is texting me every 30 minutes and seems very remorseful. Already went to a MC with my husband, which he called the day after I found out. Just feeling very vindictive now and want the OW to suffer. That's not to say that I don't blame him too. Does this revenge feeling ever go away? If you are new to this board like me, I just want you to know you are not alone. I feel very alone since I really can't share what happened with anyone else.

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