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Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 14:12 PM

My wife (BS) and I were talking last night, the kids were all gone. After DDay Jan 2012, we had great romantic sex, then after 6-8 months, it fell off, she was like before, not into it, no efforts, after about 6 more months it stopped, I said nothing, I work off shore and gone a month at a time in for 2 weeks. And nothing, I stopped trying, she won't tell me she loves me, she said she does but don't and won't say it unless she wants to. Anyway, I asked her last night if we were ever going to be intimate again. She said no, not now and after our son finishes high school she would look at our situation and decide if we should stay together. And would decide if we would ever have sex again. She said if I didn't like it, then "it's only paper work" (meaning file for divorce). She asked me would I stay? I said I'd do what it took. Is that normal?

KBeguile posted 12/29/2013 15:32 PM

2-5 years. You're still well within that time span. Year 2, from everything I've heard, is very angry and not fun. That might be the tail end of what you're dealing with here.

Then again, your progress might be severely hindered by your absences to work. Even though the calendar says "close to 2 years," it might feel to her like "2 weeks" with you being gone so frequently.

I know my BS has had a lot of dyschronia (mixed-up time sense), especially in Year 1. That caused her to feel as though we hadn't made any progress at all, especially during the times she was severely depressed and riding the roller coaster.

Hope this helps?

SlowUptake posted 12/29/2013 17:44 PM

Is that normal?

IMHO, understandable but not normal.

It is way more common than you may think in a particular age bracket of female BS's
and strangly enough in a whole group of WS's, male & female. Go figure.

It seems that your BS doesn't want you anymore, she just wants you around.

You have a decision to make, do you keep going in the hope things will improve with effort on your part.
Or do you end it.

She has made it abundantly clear there will never be any intimacy ever again. Live with or not, the choice is yours.

Whatever you do, don't cheat again.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:56 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Brandon808 posted 12/29/2013 18:01 PM

BH here.
From this...

she was like before, not into it, no efforts, after about 6 more months it stopped
...I inferred she was not into sex before. Was this a pre-A issue in the M?

She said no, not now and after our son finishes high school she would look at our situation and decide if we should stay together. And would decide if we would ever have sex again.
How much longer before your son finishes high school? At this point she's made it very clear. You're going to be in a sex-less M until then for sure. Once your son is done with high school she'll then decide if she even wants to stay in the M. It sounds like this is the first time she's shared these intentions with you.

I might advise differently if your BW simply said she needed time or asked you to be patient or anything along those lines. It sounds like (unless I'm mistaken) that she's agreed to stay in the M for the sake of your son until he's done with high school at which point she will decide whether she is ready to reinvest in it at all.
Would you be able to win her back? Rebuild the intimacy during that time? Would she even be open to you trying that? Or does she simply want to roommates? Clearly you've got some decisions to make and you do have every right to decide you don't want to stay in an M like that.

A lot of maybes. A lot of questions. I would advise you to proceed cautiously and respectfully (maybe even do it through MC) but you can ask for answers.

ProbableIceCream posted 12/29/2013 18:10 PM

From what I've read, you've both cheated on each other; she's withholding sex, possibly indefinitely, and --

She physically abused you: "My wife became physical with me, I never laid a hand on her, she's got a left hook and right cross I tell ya, and nails sharp as razors."


You raped her: "I was young and didn't know how selfish I was being, she would say no, I'd climb on anyway and have my way."

I don't think either of you deserve to suffer through a relationship like this.

Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 18:27 PM

When she was very young, her dad would have friends over, and they would put her on their lap, she said she remember she felt uncomfortable and something wasn't right. We both feel she was sexually abused. Fast forward, when her mother was shopping, kids are in the car, a man pulls up and had a newspaper in his lap and was masterbating and inviting them over for candy.
Before we were married she was seeing a married man, strictly for sex.
When we met, it was sex all the time. When we got married once a week was maxed out and she would for the most part just lay there.
When the first DDay came, she wouldn't let me even look at her, sex was a little better then it went back the way it was. I stopped trying everyday and only on the weekend.
When I started working off shore, I was only in 3 1/2 months a year total. So when the second DDay came, a couple weeks pasted DDay we had awesome sex, it stayed that way for about 6 months. Then it went back to what it was before. Then stopped.
I can live without it, for now. She said for now, zero sex! She really couldn't see what the future was. Our son is almost 16. He will be a sophomore next year.
She has told me she doesn't want a divorce. She said she also said she's here for the money and us to be friends. I believe that she was angry. I do make great money (6 times more annually) compared to the first 19 years.
I believe she will come around on the sex, I'm not going to push it. She never has been the assertive one in that department.

EasyDoesIt posted 12/29/2013 19:21 PM

BW here. I think that it's understandable to not want your WS to even look at you or touch you after revelations of cheating. At least for some people. Other people have hysterical bonding. Maybe she wonders if you're thinking about the OW while you're with her, or maybe she's just been so hurt by sex in her entire life that she sees it as painful.

It's also possible that she's going through menopause and her libido might be down because of hormone fluctuations. She might be very depressed. I'd say to give her some time. She might change her mind about no sex before the kid graduates.

Destroyedlives posted 12/29/2013 19:38 PM

I know she has said in the past she doesn't need it, she had never masturbated until a few years ago. But this is the same person that had a married man on the side that she used for sex a couple years before we met. The same person that said "I will never turn you down for sex"
I can take care of myself. I don't want to cheat. I want a marriage that is the traditional. Ward and June Cleaver type. I guess that's the same as wishing for the lottery.

HardenMyHeart posted 12/29/2013 21:05 PM

She said she also said she's here for the money and us to be friends.

I believe she is being honest. The intimate part of your relationship is over. If she is now contacting other men and telling you it is none of your business, she is looking for OM to satisfy her "other" needs.

IMO, you are now in an open marriage, but your wife is trying to keep the money supply going until she has someone to care for her and your child. Sounds like she has been checked out of the marriage for years.

I hope that I am wrong, but that's how I see it based on what you have described.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:18 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

womaninflux posted 12/30/2013 00:12 AM

It sounds like she has an intimacy disorder - sexual anorexia. This is common in people who have been abused sexually. It also is consistent with people who acted out sexually - as in engaged in an affair with a MM when they were single. Shirley Glass writes about this in her book. The female AP is usually the product of an upbringing where the father was unfaithful and she sees her mother being disrespected and acting weak. Thus, she unconsciously makes a decision to "not ever be weak or a doormat like my mother" and a AP is in the making because she wants to be the one with power.

Also people with sexual anorexia will engage in sex outside of the primary relationship. They fear engaging in the primary relationship exposes them too much emotionally. So the engage with someone with whom they are not emotionally involved - i.e. porn, prostitutes, AP.

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