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Ok so I trigger hard every time he touches me. Not sexually, but every time he touches me. This morning I threw up because he tried to kiss me.

And he held me, apologized, cried with me a little, brought me my cat (my cat GETS me )

And I hate him for it. I WANT to be angry at him. I want in a way for us to fail.
How can I stop this????

ETA
I miss the touching. But I wonder how he was with each OW. All he says is it was "different". I'm like "of course it's different. We are different people!"
He will give me details if I ask, but I am afraid to ask...

[This message edited by whiteflower99 at 5:52 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but want to send you hugs. I feel the same way and it's rough. You're not alone.

WF99-
I actually had a long conversation with my SIL last night about the same issue you are going through. She asked for details, and she got them. She says that he will "never touch me again" because of everything she knows. His A's were over the course of several years with several women and lots of porn.

I said that to say this: If you have issues with him touching you now and you want to R, it may be best not to ask for details.

Stay strong. I feel your pain. If my WW comes back around (not likely, and I'm not sure I want her back), the hardest part for me would be "re-consummating" our marriage.

I burst into tears the last time we mad love because the same thoughts pop onto my head afterwards. I have never been with another man in any capcity. And I always wonder if sex is this good for everyone especially in affairs. Does sex feel the same if you are just infatuated with that person? FWH says the same thing, it wasn't better just different. That's a very unhelpful answer for me. I'm way past the need to ask for details and I'm sure I know too much for my own good.

The sad part for me is that I used to think making love to my H was so special. Then I learned that he was a SA and had sex with many women and that sex was just sex for him. I want that special feeling back but now I know that it was just one of many lies I allowed myself to believe. I'm at a pretty low place this month so that probably didn't help you feel better. Just know that your not alone in your feelings.

Gently, if you're afraid of the answers, you need to ask the questions.

I believe the truth comes out - eventually. If the truth kills your M, the sooner you know the better.

At the same time, it's also possible that info that comes out now could hurt a lot less than info that comes out after months or years of doing the work needed to R. Even so, I prefer getting all the painful stuff out as soon as possible.

JMO. YMMV. But I can't help feeling that fear will fester....

Lots of ((Hugs))
I am going through a similar issue. Right now we've gone from HB to me triggering every time we are intimate. It's a process. My approach is to talk with him about how I'm feeling.