She needs reassurance from both of us that AP is not replacing you and that he is another caring adult in her life. All the same people who love her are still in place just rearranged. When (daughter) and I spoke about (my new girlfriend that my daughter overheard me tell my WW about) I told her that I was happy for you because if you are happy, then her life is better. If you told (my daughter) that you are supportive of AP and it is okay with you if she is friends with him, it would really help her mental health. Can you do that?
I am wondering how others have handled the AP being introduced to the kids too early (in my opinion)? I know that I have no control over what my WW does in regards to introducing the AP into their lives, but I am trying to figure out how to process this for myself. I can't tell my 10 year old that mommy is a cheating so and so and that the AP along with my WW destroyed the family, but I will definitely not promote a relationship with the AP. I guess what galls me is the accusation that if I don't promote the relationship, then I am damaging my daughter's mental health. Thoughts? Advice?
I am done with this email conversation. I told you I would mediate over our communication, but I will not tell anyone that the man who joined with you to destroy our family is good for any of our children. I will not promote that relationship. I will not bad mouth him, because she is too young to know the truth, but I will not lie and say that I am supportive of your affair partner. You must be joking.
I don't call either of them names or discourage my children from having a relationship with them. But, they need to know why I stay as far away as possible from their father and stepmother, and they also need to see that their father's actions had consequences. When you have an affair, a consequence may be that your spouse divorces you and no longer considers you a friend. I think I'm sending my children a very important message about honesty and self-respect. They can see that they don't have to put up with being treated like that in their future relationships, and they know that they can come to me and get the truth. There is no way that I would ever condone XWH and the AP's relationship-- I simply tell my kids that they should be polite to their stepfamily and do their best to get along because that is what I would expect my children to do in every social situation. No hearts and butterflies over the AP here; that will never happen.
In the future, stick to NC. Not that your message was horrible, but your WW doesn't deserve anything but crickets when she sends you stupid requests like that.
My kids know all about the whore. They are 22, 13, and 10. They know who she is, what she is, and exactly why she will NEVER ever be someone I want them to be around. Kids are smart and perceptive. If you lie to your daughter she will pick up on that. Tell her the truth. You can't go wrong with the truth.
It's OKAY to be scared.
Being scared means you're about
to do something really, really brave.
My boys have no idea that their mom was a lying, cheating misery. Well ... they are finding out she is a misery.
I have told them both that it is okay for them to enjoy when Rig Pig hangs out with the three of them, and that they shouldn't feel like they are hurting me by doing so. 13 especially is very protective of me, so I know that he needs to have his possible feelings of guilt assuaged. That's what is most important to me.
I would have a much harder time keeping this attitude if Rig Pig were one of her fucks while we were together.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
My kids are young, the autism means they are largely oblivious to different types of relationships. They haven't asked any questions. My oldest son's psychologist said to be honest in answering the questions he does have, but not to have any kind of talk with him where I tell him what happened without him asking. I hate that she's around them that much, but there's nothing I can do.
[This message edited by roughroadahead at 11:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
I don't know this guy, but my kids seem to like him and by all accounts from my son he is nice to them. (I've never met him.) My hatred for him is diminishing a bit as I realize he's just a sucker for my wife's NPD charms, as I was. It could have been anyone. He is nothing special.
In any case, my kids' emotional well being is paramount. My DD (six) is too young to be aware of who this guy is and the genesis of her mom's relationship, but my DS (nine) is aware and is struggling with it. I have told him (in age appropriate terms) what his mom did and who this guy is. What concerns my son the most, it seems, is that I am "OK." I have assured him that I am--that as long as OM is kind to him, that I will be OK.
Yes, I have to swallow a lot of bile when I have these talks with him when he returns from OM's, but there is nothing I can do. My children need as little emotional turmoil as possible.
While my STBX has not talked to me about the OM (she is so stupid she still thinks I don't know the kids sleep over at his place), I have nevertheless done my best to assure them that nothing is their fault, everyone loves them, and that I am fine.
These are bitter pills to swallow, and I struggle as well, but I think this is all we can do. It's part of the destructive narrative our WWs have created. We have to be the best "editors" we can.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
This is all part of their idiotic thought processes that tell them that what they have done/are doing is OK. Oh, and that they are 'happy'. Nevermind their version of happy is about as sad and fucked up as you could be, Unicorn Sparkle Farts aside.
The thing is you WOULD be happy about a new partner if she wasn't still a fucked up POS on top of the AP being a fucked up POS. Maybe not now because it is still fresh but in time you will.
I still have hope that the sad clown sorts out his shit because if he is healthy then THAT is what would be fantastic for my girls' mental health.
How is him having a child-whore or a girlfriend good for their mental health/
No. Don't smack talk the X or AP or put your kids in the middle of a tug of war. Don't use them as weapons. That is all you need to do here. That other shit is just bat-shit-crazy.
Like other posters have said I answer questions honestly in an age-appropriate way when asked.
He broke a promise that married people are not allowed to break. He and I are no longer friends and never will be (we have a few books they love to read, one is called "When My Parents Forgot To Be Friends", another is "Dinosaur Divorce" and "Two Homes"). I know her but I am not friends with her and never will be. I don't mind if they like her and it doesn't change anything between me and them.
It was hard at first as it nearly killed me to hear her name coming out of my babies mouths but I realised they noticed my bristling. So I focussed on changing that. I faked it till I made it. I'm not bothered by it anymore but I try to ask about the 'them' in the stories rather than about him or her, IYKWIM?
The only thing worse than that whore or the future whore iterations being around my girls is the thought of someone being unkind to them.
If you don't tell them anything they will fill in the blanks and those blanks are almost always that it is their fault in some way.
I'm choking on this shit sandwich too.
We have to be the best "editors" we can.
This morning's crazy email in the string from WW was that she can't possibly meet with the therapist and me, because being near me would just make her sicker (she has the flu). Classy.
Thanks everyone. Happy New Year.
[This message edited by kg201 at 9:48 AM, December 30th (Monday)]