Four years ago this time of year my husband started his affair. His affair went from the holidays to July 27, 2010. He was immediately in love and they were engaged by April I believe. Of course, he never can remember stuff. But he told me May 3 that he wanted a divorce and I know he never would have said it if he and she had not already planned to be together. And their plans were amazingly elaborate. They were both going to divorce their spouses but wait three years until our son and her son graduated (both boys same age) and then he was going to move to her state and town. They both joined match.com and eharmony.com so that they would be “seen” dating others and no one would know that they were each other’s dirty secret. Then, just as our nest became empty, he was going to move away.
Just two days after we told the kids he was moving out, OW dumped him. He swears he was going to break up with her but the fact is, she ended it. So we are together. Yay me. Second choice. Had that not happened he likely be living in Tennessee and married to her right now.
During those seven months and since then, he has destroyed everything meaningful to me with respect to our marriage. He traveled 350 miles to have sex with her the first time on Valentines day. He told the kids we were separating (because “we” hadn’t been happy in a long time) on our 18th wedding anniversary (imagine that, on our 18th wedding anniversary, he was saying, “I love you” to her). He started the affair during the winter holidays. He first told me he wanted a divorce the night before his birthday. The affair was over by my birthday that year but he was still in the fog and justifying his affair and blaming me for his cheating.
He shared everything with her. Talked to her 1-2 hours a day. He’s never talked to me like that. Ever. He’s very insistent that he was unhappy and checked out of our marriage before the affair began. He said he thought after the first year or so that we wouldn’t make it, so he’s trashed not just the affair period but our entire marriage. He swears he’s not re-writing our marital history but that it really was that bad. He said he hoped I was cheating too so that leaving me would be easier. Too bad for him, I was faithful and still loved him.
The pain is incredible. It wasn’t this bad the last couple of years but it is again. He sometimes tries to say the right thing but mostly just plods along without any expression of empathy. How can he sit across from me and not mention that four years ago he was busy sneaking to the basement or work to facebook chat with his new love? Am I the only one walking around the huge darned elephant in the room?
Honestly, I don’t think he feels empathy. I think he feels guilt and shame but not empathy. He’s cried over things I’ve done to hurt him over the years of our marriage but not one time has he ever cried over my pain. Not once. When it comes to me, it’s very clinical, if I’m lucky. If not, he’s defensive.
I’m so tired of hurting. He is so hard to live with and I’m so tired of this. I admire those who are able to rebuild their marriage and regain the trust and feel like a team again, but he's trashed it all and I'm just not that big of a person. I feel so alone in the world.
[This message edited by sudra at 7:51 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]