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Seriously screwed up. Help......

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foreverempty posted 12/29/2013 21:52 PM

So

Here I was tonight going to update with how positive every thing has been over the last month.

Finally reached agreement on finances with XWW the day of our first court hearing 2 weeks ago.

Spent my first Christmas at home with my family having run away last 2 years. Been a massive influence with my nephew who has had behavioural issues since my sisters split with his father as he was hitting her infront of him.....

Anyway.

Tonight I have seriously fucked up and I mean seriously!

I kissed my parents next door neighbour, not just once but several times. We had been drinking all night with my mother, far too much especially as I've mostly given up drinking.
I'm by no means using that as an excuse!

She has always been a big support for me since my breakup as has her husband. I class him as a good friend.

I don't know what to do. Apparently he saw us kiss. Im laying here in bed hating myself.

After it happened I told her how this same situation almost killed me and that I thought her husband is great and that she has a really good thing.

I don't understand why I did it. I feel so bad and there is nothing I can do to reverse this but as much as I can't make it right I don't want to encourage making it any worse.

I can't believe I've gone from wanting to post such a positive update today dot it now being such a negative.

I have no idea what to do. I have been so stupid.

2

better4me posted 12/29/2013 22:53 PM

and that is what reflection and guilt is all about...keeping us honest and admitting our mistakes. So, make amends where you can, consider write an apology to her husband, stay clear of being alone her for a long time, most importantly behave differently in the future.

And, I don't know why you've "mostly given up" alcohol but I'd consider doing that completely for a while.

Individual Counseling might help you sort this out too...

Listen, we are all human. We all f*ck up sometimes. The best thing to do is to learn from it and not let it happen again.

PurpleRose posted 12/29/2013 23:22 PM

What would you have wanted your wife's AP to do?

cayc posted 12/29/2013 23:48 PM

Oof.

Setting aside what you need to do for you (and I think this is self evident to us and to you), you need to apologize to the husband and his wife. Ideally in person, with both of them there at the same time. But if not, at least to the husband on the phone.

It be really easy to beat up on you right now, but unnecessary. You're lonely. You liked the attention. You were drunk. You maybe were feeling a little cocky. A confluence of events that made you stop paying attention and make a really bad choice.

It's a humbling lesson to learn. We all sit around and vilify our xWS (and boy do they deserve it!!!) but NB. Man. It can fuck you up. Seriously. Navigating the world can be tough. And boom. Crap decision made. You've seen my recent NB threads. Ahem. I made a doozy. And all I can do is learn from it. You can too.

(((foreverempty)))

sadcat posted 12/30/2013 06:08 AM

You say you kissed her several times? At that point I think we can assume she was not fighting you off and yelling "No".

Regardless of her culpability, you need to own your actions and the fallout. Apologize to the husband and the wife, in person or via telephone (one conversation with all on the line- no private communication between you and the wife).

Then leave them alone, don't see them, don't talk to them at all for a good while.

Figure out why you would do this. What made it ok to kiss another man's wife?

nowiknow23 posted 12/30/2013 08:38 AM

Oh, forever.

Yep - you screwed up. And you need to try to make it right, not only for your neighbor's sake (and your parents') but for yourself as well. Don't let this sit and fester. Screw up your courage, and talk to your neighbors TOGETHER. Apologize. Don't make excuses, but own the fact that you were drunk and made shit choices in the moment. And then stay clear and let them deal with her actions without you in the mix.

BTW - you also owe your parents an apology. This will affect their relationship with the neighbors. Sorry, but it will. And that sucks for them, too. Acknowledge it. Own it.

Put all that front and center, deal with it, take the consequences, whatever they might be. But do NOT allow yourself to slide back down into the pit. You fought long and hard to get back on solid ground. Don't let yourself torpedo all that progress.

Are you seeing a counselor? Doing healthy things for yourself? Ratchet up the self-care. Focus on the positives, and back off the drinking.

You can do this.
(ps - good to see your name on the boards. been wondering how things were going for you.)

foreverempty posted 12/30/2013 09:18 AM

Hiya

I'm sat in work feeling physically sick about this.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I want to answer a few of the questions asked.

Firstly nothing at all is making me feel it was ok to do what I did. At the time I said it was wrong and still now I don't know why I allowed it to happen. It will NEVER happen again.

I've known them for at least 10 years, they've been there for me, her especially, through two very difficult breakups. Nothing like this has ever happened between us before. They are my age and more my friends than parents neighbors. We've been away on holiday together, is baby sat and car minded for them and they for me and all my family.

She called me this morning when I was still sleeping. She seems to be as cut up about this as I am. She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake. She says she's never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning. I don't know what she has told or spoken with him about.

I will not allow myself to be in a one on one situation with her in the future. Clearly this has shown that there have been inappropriate feelings from both sides and as much as promises have been made I don't want to be in a situation again where the same could be accused of happening again.

She has asked me not to tell my parents or anyone else and can we put it down to two very drunk people who overstepped the boundaries of friendship and that we both have learned from it.

She has apologised profusely for coming on to me last night and keeping asking to repeat kiss despite me saying no several times but ultimately being weak and giving in. I have also apologised and owned entirely my part in this. She did not force me to do anything. It was my own bad judgments that played an equal part in creating the situation.

As far as giving up alcohol is concerned, I has been a deliberate move by me for several months now totally steering clear for weeks at a time as I'm trying to ficus on being a mentally happier me, it had been working up till last night, all of Christmas week I only drank 1 whisky and half a glass of red wine and been to friends houses for parties and not touched a drop despite being encouraged to sleep over. I was really proud of how I'd been managing it and have ultimately been working towards a plan to wean off my ADs as it's been 2 years now and I felt it was time to book the discussion at the doctors.

Quite honestly what I would have wanted for XWW and her AP to do was feel the guilt that I am now feeling and done the right thing and chalked it up to bad decisions. I know people make mistakes and those mistakes don't always need to be publicised. This will not progress any further. She has told me she has discussed what she needs to with her husband and has asked me not to bring it up with him. I'm a little uncomfortable with this as I don't know what she has said happened or if she has just brushed it aside. I don't feel it's my place to interfere in their relationship any more than I already have when I have been asked to stay away from it.

My parents don't know and I worry that telling them will hurt them greatly. They have been so proud of the fact I haven't run away this year and the support I've given them this Christmas with my niece and nephew while my sisters been working especially with their bad behavior. They said they couldn't have got through it without me, my dad really struggles with both my sister and her young children's behavior. I also know my mother and feel that she will ore likely resent her neighbor and pin the blame firmly on her no matter how hard I would try to convince her otherwise.

I am still in monthly IC although my counsellor is on holiday until mid February, I will however be bringing this up as soon as I see her.

I don't really know what else to say except thank you for listening to me and being there for support. It's strange as this is pretty much the first time I've not been able to talk to my mum about my problems, she has always been such a huge rock for me. All I've got is you guys and my IC to help me through this mess.

Kelany posted 12/30/2013 09:38 AM

I don't normally post in here, but I think you still need to talk with her husband and apologize to him. Her saying she smoothed things over with him wouldn't hold water with me because she's tried to come on to you before. I'd be worried she's minimizing or lying to him.

nowiknow23 posted 12/30/2013 09:42 AM

Forever - I'll tell you what concerns me. The neighbor is asking you to keep secrets. You are struggling with keeping it secret from your parents as well.

Secrets are toxic. Especially when you have struggled with depression. I'm honestly worried about you sitting with guilt and secrets and carrying that burden around with you.

I don't know what to tell you other than this - please think long and hard about this. You need to make choices that are healthy and have integrity. It's just too hard to live with the burden of doing otherwise.

cmego posted 12/30/2013 10:28 AM

Yeah, no matter what she asked you to do…you need to do what is RIGHT for YOU. Secrets eat at you. I'd guess she wants to keep it quiet because this isn't the first time…

PurpleRose posted 12/30/2013 10:46 AM

The first thing we tell newbies is they must tell the BS. No?

Of course she wants you to keep this a secret-- especially if her claim of this being something that was building over the past year is true. Don't let her "friend" status fog your brain here.

She said she is massively in love with her BS? She has "cleared this all up" with him? That is pretty textbook wayward response man.

Look, I don't know her so maybe this is the first time she has cheated on her husband. Maybe not. But as a former BS, you say you would have wanted your xWW and her AP to do the right thing. What is the right thing- in your opinion?

Mine is exactly what anyone here would say... You need to tell the BS. But that's just what's right for me, may not be for you. I wish you clarity, and hope you can figure out what allowed you to become the AP in the first place. Peace.

soulsearcher4 posted 12/30/2013 10:47 AM

Forever, my small take.

It needs to be NC with this person. Any contact with her, phone calls, texts, etc. that does not include the husband is a budding EA.

All contact with this person is only done with the husband present.

DO NOT KEEP THIS A SECRET! Every time you see her, you'll each have a secret smile for each other. Maybe it'll be an uncomfortable frown and turn away, but you each have a something special that you each should not have with each other.

You have to talk to the husband at the very least, either one on one or with the wife present. It's up to you. Throw yourself at his mercy. Ask him what his preference of what you do is. He may not have an answer, and let him know that when he does you will follow it with NO EXCEPTIONS!

I think you should talk to your parents about this, too. The whole neighborhood doesn't need to know, but the husband and your parents should.

Good luck. Just remember that it's easier to walk through something as difficult as this with people around you that know and can support you through it.

foreverempty posted 12/30/2013 11:28 AM

She said she is massively in love with her BS? She has "cleared this all up" with him? That is pretty textbook wayward response man.

Indeed. That's exactly why I'm concerned. I think she's told him he saw us 'hugging' as it was from a reasonably long distance away. I can't see how he would truly buy that excuse though.

I wish you clarity, and hope you can figure out what allowed you to become the AP in the first place.

Me the AP. Wow. I suppose technically I am, that's a hard pill to swallow. I've always been so critical of people who get themselves caught up in this kind of drama and here I am.

I will indeed be looking further inside myself. I do know that right now I'm feeling very needy for affection and have been for a couple of months now. I deliberately avoid going out these days to places where I may meet a new potential partner as I'm so far away from healthy and ready but know that I'm currently in a place that if someone were to show me affection I will most likely latch on to it. That is exactly what happened I think last night.


It needs to be NC with this person. Any contact with her, phone calls, texts, etc. that does not include the husband is a budding EA.

All contact with this person is only done with the husband present.

Totally agree. There are feelings that have been put out there on the table and I am not in any way going to be promoting those feelings. She had her own reasons I'm sure but I do not want to allow myself in any way to be in a position where the same could either happen again or be deemed as possibly to have happened. All cards laid out clear on the table for all to see from this day forward.

I'm massively disappointed in myself. 2 years of hard work, self reflection, total NC with xWW which was so hard as as much as I hate her I still miss the love I felt for her, over a year of IC, turning my life around from brink of bankruptcy to new job, own business back on track, all debts paid off etc.....

Then I go and pull this stupid stunt and risk pushing me way back down again.

I'm supposed to be staying with my parents until after the new year, I've been there all over Christmas, our first family new year in ages, but I don't want to go back there tonight, I want to go back to my house. They have my puppy though and they won't understand it if I don't turn back up tonight when I finish at 10pm.

I need to think about what I say and do from here with everyone back home as I really don't want to cause any more damage at all.

NaiveAgain posted 12/30/2013 12:17 PM

Secrets are toxic
They cause a mental and emotional (and sometimes I wonder about physical) cancer that eats at us until they are finally brought to light. Which is why I also agree that you need to tell the husband and your parents. It's no one else's business, but they do need to know.

I've always been so critical of people who get themselves caught up in this kind of drama and here I am.
So, great lesson here for you. We all have weaknesses in us and at just the right time, when we are weak and vulnerable, if we let our guard down, we can make stupid mistakes. It is part of being human

I will indeed be looking further inside myself. I do know that right now I'm feeling very needy for affection and have been for a couple of months now. I deliberately avoid going out these days to places where I may meet a new potential partner as I'm so far away from healthy and ready but know that I'm currently in a place that if someone were to show me affection I will most likely latch on to it. That is exactly what happened I think last night.
That is very good insight and I think that is important for you to acknowledge. I know for me, after I break up with someone I had deep feelings for, I "coccoon" myself until I feel strong again. I KNOW I am weak and vulnerable after a break up, so I tend to become introverted (I'm an extreme extrovert by nature) and wear baggy clothes and don't make eye contact. I avoid people that could be potential partners and I only hang around with people I feel safe with. Because I know I am vulnerable and more prone to making a stupid mistake, so those are the precautions I take to keep from latching onto "just anybody."

Crescita posted 12/30/2013 12:59 PM

Please don't beat yourself up about this too much. What's done is done. What matters now are your actions going forward. Would you rather those actions be honest and respectful, or lies and rugsweeping?

If this event is going to affect your behavior around your family or your neighbors, you should be honest about it. That doesn’t mean you have to share all the details, but you shouldn’t have to lie, especially not if it is in the presumed best interest of others. Most people prefer to make those kinds of decisions for themselves.

Also, unfortunately, your friendship with this woman should not continue. Out of respect for their marriage, you should go NC with the wife.

absolut posted 12/30/2013 13:24 PM

Why were you hanging out alone drinking with a married woman in the first place?

And fwiw I'm going to go against the grain and say don't tell her husband.

foreverempty posted 12/30/2013 13:37 PM

We invited them both over for drinks with my mum, dad and myself. He stayed back to look after the kids and cause he wasn't feeling too well.

Dad dropped off first, mum much later and we still had drinks to finish off and were just talking lots, totally innocent and happened the same way a hundred times before both at their house and my parents. Haven't seen them at all over Christmas despite being invited over for drinks just before Christmas but I didn't go, infact we havent had a night together for a good while now. They also come up to my house on occasions with other friends for dinner parties. Literally nothing like this has EVER happened with me towards her or any of my other mates partners before. It's not my thing. Hence being so cut up about it.

[This message edited by foreverempty at 1:39 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

absolut posted 12/30/2013 13:55 PM

We invited them both over for drinks with my mum, dad and myself. He stayed back to look after the kids and cause he wasn't feeling too well.

Then she should have stayed home with her husband, but her messed up marriage is not your problem.

Really I think after your parents went to sleep you should have too, I don't think there is anything "innocent" about a man and woman hanging out alone drinking together at night. Even if "nothing happens," as in no sex or no kissing, it is still a huge boundary being crossed. The whole "it's ok so long as nothing happens" is total wayward thinking. Do you really think her husband liked staying home with their children while she stayed out late drinking with a male friend, even if there hadn't been physical contact? Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for her to just stop by for a short visit with the whole family and go back home to her husband and children after 30 minutes or so? Do you think her actions, or inaction, telegraphed anything to you about the state of her marriage? And what about the fact that you were not made uncomfortable after both your parents left? What did that communicate to her about your boundaries or lack of boundaries?

Sorry I never buy the whole "can't believe it happened, can't believe it just happened." I know this comes off harsh. But I don't think you need to be worried about her or her husband just yourself. People who do not have good boundaries in place will always attract the wrong people.

7yrsflushed posted 12/30/2013 14:32 PM

I think she's told him he saw us 'hugging' as it was from a reasonably long distance away. I can't see how he would truly buy that excuse though.
Not coming in to pile on but just to say she just gaslit her BS. As a BS you remember what being gaslit felt like right. Knowing you just saw something or knew something and then being told you didn't see it. The self doubt and eventually you believe that you didn't see what you actually saw. It's not so much about him buying the excuse. He wanted to believe he didn't see what he just saw and the response she gave helped him believe what she wanted him to believe which was nothing inappropriate happened.

You know what really happened so let the BH know and he can decide how to move on with his life.

thyme2go posted 12/30/2013 14:36 PM

She called me this morning when I was still sleeping. She seems to be as cut up about this as I am. She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake. She says she's never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning. I don't know what she has told or spoken with him about.

I don't know much - but I do know that after the kiss, this phone call conversation should never have happened. NC - now.

JMHO


-t2g

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