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Newest Member: Shattered31 (45724)

User Topic: How much should I tell DD16?
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So D-Day was in July, separated in August, filed in September. My story's on my profile.

DD16 knows that her dad was questioned by the police, and was 'inappropriate' on the internet. She also knows that I've had to ask her if he was 'inappropriate' with her. And she know that her dad was unfaithful to me, and that is why we are divorcing. DD has not asked for more details, and I have not volunteered them. But I have promised not to lie to her

Lately, I've been reading/thinking a lot about the damage caused by keeping secrets, especially within a family. I'm concerned that I'm making a mistake keeping the details/facts from her. I'm also not sure if I want to tell her for her own good, or my own. It's very confusing.

So I need your advice SIers. Do I tell her...

1. STBXH is facing charges from trying to meet with a girl younger than her for sex.
2. STBXH also had an affair with my BFF, which is why she's no longer a part of our lives.
3. STBXH is getting treatment for a sex/lust addiction.

I don't see my IC until after the new year, but I will discuss this with her. Am I feeling a need to justify myself to DD? Or do I think she needs this information to protect herself? Should I wait until STBXH is actually arrested and hope DD doesn't get mad that I kept this from her? What has your experience been with telling or not telling teenagers about a parents infidelity?


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a 16 year old deserves to know the truth. Not only that, due to him trying to meet a young female for sex, she needs to know about this for her own safety and the safety of her friends.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 959 | Registered: Mar 2013
BAB61
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imho she should know, if for no other reason than her friends may be at risk if they have been around him.

Full disclosure may be left for when she has questions, but the complete truth, including his pending arrest she should know. Not sure if I'm being clear - give her the facts, but maybe not all the nitty gritty details.
So tell her:

1. STBXH is facing charges from trying to meet with a girl younger than her for sex.
2. STBXH also had an affair with my BFF, which is why she's no longer a part of our lives.
3. STBXH is getting treatment for a sex/lust addiction.

But the details about the internet and any elaboration should be dependent on her asking questions.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This^^^^.

My youngest was 16 when all the shit hit the fan. We had a long talk, she had a lot of questions, and I told her I would never lie to her. After she heard the ugly truth she thanked me for being honest and treating her like she actually had a brain. She also said so many things make more sense to her now and she told me about things she had seen and heard.

Kids are very smart, and their eyes and ears don't miss much. She probably already knows more than you realize, and if you are not honest she will come to her own conclusions and resent you for not telling her. I don't regret telling DD and she knows I will answer any question she has honestly. I loathe secrecy unless absolutely necessary because I was surrounded by it for almost 30 years!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will caution you here. She may not be ready to process the details. She is 16 and old enough to understand them but also a child and young enough to be completely overwhelmed by them.

When opportunities arise, ask her if she wants to know more. You can even preface it with "Dad is in very serious trouble right now. Do you want to know the details of what he did?" She will tell you if she does. Or she may flee the room screaming "OMG no!"

As she gets older she will be better equipped to handle the awful truth about her father. That will happen in the next 2-3 years. So be patient with her and give her the information that she tells you she is ready to hear.

HTH


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should know. Ask your IC about the best way to tell her. She needs to know for her own protection and the protection of any of her friends. Also if your WH is convicted then he will likely have to register as a sex offender and your DD is likely to find out from someone else since the info is readily available on the internet if you know where to look. Better to hear it from you then someone at her school or in the community.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, if she hasn't asked for more details, she doesn't want to know them--maybe at this time; maybe for a long time. You haven't lied to her so far; she knows enough to be curious if she wanted to be. Be present with her; look for clues, but don't go too far until you at least talk to your IC . I don't normally advocate therapy, but in this case, I think you should consult with yours about getting someone for your DD to talk to.

Since your STBX is possibly going to be arrested for indecent behavior, are there controls in place to keep him away from minors? If not, why?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20438 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she should know the truth--but not be bludgeoned with it.

At this point, you have a good foundation set. She knows there was impropriety.

I would let her know that you are willing to answer her questions when she's ready to know the answers, and that you will follow her cues---emphasizing that she does not need to be afraid to ask.

She may ask right away, or she might need to do things in a way that her (traumatized) mind can tolerate.

Let he know that you will not withhold the truth. Let her know that you will provide resources to help her cope, if necessary.

And let her know that you love her more than anything on this planet---and will do your best to support her, no matter how and when she decides to tackle this (but suggest that she DOES confront it rather than box it off, because that is important--take it from the Daughter of Big Secrets).

Millions of hugs to you. Dealing with the fallout our kids suffer is horrendous. But having one solid, honest parent to trust makes all the difference in the world.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:54 AM, December 30th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9019 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoops--duplicate

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:53 AM, December 30th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9019 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
wanttogoforward
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 16 she needs to know... if for no other reason than to protect herself. She is old enough to handle the facts... no need to give every single nitty gritty detail- wouldn't be appropriate for her given her age and innocence... however, teenagers know a lot more than they are letting on.... mine did even though I thought I was protecting them.

On a side note.... my sister went through a D years ago when her daughter was 15.... her x was the adoptive father of her daughter... it was discovered after her left that he had been writing things down that indicated he had sexual feelings toward the teenage girl.... it was beyond horrifying to discover that! And the poor girl had no idea what he was capable of.... luckily they divorced and he didn't have the opportunity to touch her.... but the evidence showed he wanted to!


Posts: 1186 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Starzjourney
♀ 41287
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Gemini71))))

I agree that she should know just the facts and let her take the conversation from there. Based on your H doings the fallout is not just within the home but in the community she lives in...she may hear things from others that don't just leave it with the facts.

Does your D attend any kind of counseling?

My D-18 (some of her story is included in mine) is still in counseling...trying to get those FOO issues rooted out before she marries someone just like her dear old dad or becomes the doormat dear old mom did...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. It's a tricky area to navigate. I'll probably take some time to reiterate what I know she already knows, and ask her if she wants to know more or has questions. I'll let her set the pace, but remind her its okay to ask. I know she's been trying to protect me and not upset me.

She is in IC to 'help with the transition' of our move in with my parents and switching schools. Her IC is aware of the situation with her father, so if other issues arise she's prepared.

There is another thread on this forum asking about forgiving STBXHs. This is one thing I will NEVER forgive him for.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she's been trying to protect me and not upset me.

Please watch this. Both my DD's have done this at different times for different reasons involving XPOS. It ate at them from the inside out and caused them untold internal grief and stress. Knowing that XPOS was the cause of their anguish infuriated me when I found out, but it also made me horribly guilt-ridden knowing they were stifling and internalizing their feelings out of their concern for protecting me. No child should ever be put in that position! Seeing them in tears over what they had been "hiding" from me to "protect" me broke my heart!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Lilypad
♀ 36399
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately, I've been reading/thinking a lot about the damage caused by keeping secrets, especially within a family. I'm concerned that I'm making a mistake keeping the details/facts from her. I'm also not sure if I want to tell her for her own good, or my own. It's very confusing.

The thing about secrets is that they ALWAYS come out eventually. Nothing is gained by keeping them. When the child/teen doesn't say anything because they want to protect us that is the time that they need to know the facts the most. Just my opinion.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would check with an IC before talking to her.

Please take what I am about to tell you with a grain of salt ok? I am not trying to scare or worry you. It is a different situation, but I wanted you to have this perspective.

My sister told me that she had flashbacks to when we were under 10yrs old. She remembered that one of our relatives sexually molested her for years. Sis and I always were together at my grandparents' house where that relative lived part of the time. My sis said she didn't remember if he did it to me, too. There is more to the story, but I'm cutting it short. I was 17 when she told my parents and I. It messed up my head royally. I didn't know what man I could trust (dad, relatives, bf). For years, every relationship was dysfunctional.

Everyone is different. My reaction is not what your DD's reaction will be. You are an awesome mom and I know you are always there for her. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:55 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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