Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Need advice about EA

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BrokenheartedD posted 12/30/2013 06:47 AM

My story happened last year in June, but I wish I found this site right away. My husband and I are married for 15 years, and we used to be good friends, and would talk to each other about anything. He was the person I ran to if I feel bad or need an advice.
Last year right after he turned 40, I sensed something was wrong. He seemed disconnected, stayed up late saying he had work to do, always carrying his cell phone with him and criticizing me for little things. I went to his hotmail account on the ipad where he never logged out, and found some conversation messages from FB to his email. There he stated how he was in love with the other girl. My knees started shaking, I couldnt believe what I was seeing and immediately ran to him and asked if he is love with someone else. His first reaction was that he didnt plan on it. Needless to say how I felt and what happend after that night I demanded to open his FB and saw 500 messages beteween each other within a week. It turns out he just started communicating with her and nothing physical happened. She was in our city from Mexico for a business trip fir a week so she was gone back home. But how does anyone deal when you see your spouse opening up to someone else about how deeply he is love with that person? He probably said it like 15-20 times. He wrote her love poems. ( he never wrote me a poem )A couple weeks after the incident I discoverd in the archived FB messages his conversation with another girl from work about him asking advice on what to do with his feeling towards that girl. Can you beleive that the "friend "was suggesting to write her and tell her hiw he feels. Turns out few of his friends at work new about this. It was so heartbreaking to see how he was confiding to others about his "feelinggs" to someone else. It just sickened me that no one told him or said that it was wrong to contact her.
We went to MC 10 times,I made him read books about EA (which he read few pages). But my trust is gone and something shifted in me, he is not the same man I fell in love with, and he is not the same person I knew before. Before that I trusted him entirely like I trusted myself. I forgave him, but the thought that he was and may be still in love with someone else is killing me. I feel sometimes so unhappy in my marriage, insecure about myself and always worry if something like this will happen again. I wouldnt worry if that was just a flirt or even a drunken one night stand ( may be ), but EA seems as devestating as PA. He says that it was a mistake , and that he shouldnt have talked to her at all, it is just she showed so much interest in him and seemed to like him too. I think I m mad because he never wrote her after I found out to say that he was wrong and that he only loves his wife. His excuse to that , because after I found out about their conversation I immiediately wrote her if she knew she was talking to a married man. He says what if she complains about him harrassing her if he writes that letter. But I think he was truly in love with her and doesnt want to look stupid in front her. So my question, do you think Im overeacting and should just let it go since he is sorry and nothing physical had happenned? He keeps saying that it was over, that it happenned a year ago and I should just move on and choose to be happy.

painfulpast posted 12/30/2013 06:59 AM

You aren't overreacting, at all. My H had an EA, and I went through the same thing - things suddenly didn't add up, his phone was glued to him, etc. One night he forgot his phone, and in an instant my world crashed.

I too think a ONS would be easier than this. To see my H being so loving, so sweet, to another. Posting love songs, saying he didn't love me, etc. It hurt so incredibly bad.

My H had already ended it when I found out, but that didn't change my hurt, at all.

Affairs take 2 to 5 years to heal from, and that's with a remorseful spouse. Your H isn't remorseful. He's saying 'get over it', and he should not tell you how to heal. He decided how to cheat - you decide what you need to heal.

Have him read "How to help your spouse heal from an affair." It's short, to the point, and oh so correct.

In the meantime, try the 180. It's in the healing library (yellow box, upper left side of the screen). Go to faqs for BS, and then question 11.

You need to take care of you. Don't beg him to 'understand'. He won't. When he sees you detaching, he'll realize what he's done.

As far as her saying he's harassing her - that makes NO sense. Are you sure he isn't still talking to her? A LOT of people take affairs underground when they are discovered.

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry - I know the pain of an EA. It's very real.

BrokenheartedD posted 12/30/2013 09:57 AM

Thanks! I wish I read the 180 degrees before. Seems I handled a lot of things wrong. Is it to late to practice the 180 ? The only thing I do from that list is that I cant say " I love u " anymore. My H doesnt seem to contact her any more. After I wrote her she immediately put me and my husband's name into black list, as her name doesnt come when I search on either my or my h's FB. I occasionally check his work email from his iphone, her name doesnt come there eithrt. He says he stopped writing after I found out.

painfulpast posted 12/30/2013 10:13 AM

It's never too late to practice the 180, and it's not just for infidelity - it's for anytime a person is being treated poorly by another. It's about YOU - to detach and feel stronger about yourself.

Infidelity can really send a person's esteem to the bottom of the well. It's hard, really hard, to not feel scared, to want the WS to care, to want to feel relevant. This is to show you that you don't need anyone but you.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.