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remembering the dates

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rachelc posted 12/30/2013 07:52 AM

I remember every day something bad happened. Hubby does not- in either of our cases.
Last night before bed I told him I was sad because today was the day he said he was having a guys night out but really he was downtown bar hopping and making out with OW1. (also, I saw her shopping yesterday so that didn't help matters either)...

He said that we must be really different because he doesn't remember the dates. I said I remember all of them. He said, "I'm sorry you're having a rough time," kissed me good night and rolled over.

Do ppl in recovery let this go? I certainly don't want to commemorate them but they do come up - they don't ruin my day but I am sad.

He doesn't talk about anything. Yesterday he asked me couldn't I talk to someone in addition to him because it appears I need to talk more (I was expressing my displeasure at seeing OW). I said yes, I could talk to my Mom, sister, friends but this is our issue, I should be able to talk to you.

steadfast1973 posted 12/30/2013 08:03 AM

The first year, I did. Now, not so much for dday 1. Dday2 is still fresh... Still ticking off months.

Our dates suck, though. He started talking to the hooker on the 4 year antiversary of dday1. His original "appointment" (that he cancelled) was on the day, I decided to check out of the marriage and focus on my way out. (Not because I suspected cheating, yet, either. He was just being a jerk.) he spent all day looking at her site and other porn, while I was performing one of the most romantic wedding ceremonies ever. That was also the day I changed my mind about leaving, and working on our marriage again. He set up the appointment that he kept, while I was at a kids birthday party -praying for it to be over, so I could come home to him. He slept with the prostitute, exactly one month before my birthday. Which turned my birthday into a total trigger fest. And... The waitress when we went to a romantic dinner for my birthday had the same name as the hooker. Yay!

He did not think about the dates at all, and only recognizes the significance after i pointed it out.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:05 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

Kelany posted 12/30/2013 08:11 AM

I hope I'm not generalizing here, but this may be a "guy" thing. My husband does not attach himself to dates like I do. He still confused two of our kids birthdays. He knows we met in April, but not the date. Of course I remember dday dates, he does not. I don't think I will ever forget them. When doing his timeline, I had to help him date wise, which is sad.

karmahappens posted 12/30/2013 08:11 AM

I have to go to a calendar to remember my dday. The past few years I haven't been able to remember the actual date.

I also don't anticipate it or give it value. I think it just lost it's worth to me.

Do you remember the dates of every good thing that has happened? If not then why are you giving more credit to the bad?

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:12 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 12/30/2013 08:17 AM

Yep I remember good days too.
I think a sadness is ok. I wish he would have done more to help me through it,

TheThreeYearFool posted 12/30/2013 08:51 AM

Chiming in to say that some people just don't remember dates. I think some of us are socialized to be the caretakers of relationships, and we internalize the habit of remembering key dates. And others just don't grow up that way.

Is it gender based? Maybe too much of a generalization. I know OW kept track of specific dates.

I remember the exact date WH and I first kissed. He has no idea. I'm the one who remembers his mother's birthday. He'd forget our wedding anniversary if it weren't on his birthday (a fact that annoys him to no end, but now I'm glad of it).

This general lack of awareness of dates resulted in WH ending it with OW on her birthday.

So when it comes to dates when something related to the A happened WH really has no idea. He just doesn't affix meaning to specific dates. Never has.

still-living posted 12/30/2013 09:08 AM

Do ppl in recovery let this go?

I think we remember those moments that most shaped our beliefs, -or maybe it's the opposite!

I remember every day something bad happened.

Me too, in high definition.

My wife talking to me and giving me her time line was so helpful. It validated those moments when my gut was screaming. It allowed me to trust myself again, to believe in myself, that I would spot her having an affair again if it happened. This was my first step.

My second step was talking to my wife, understanding her beliefs, and observing my wife's actions. I regained the belief that my wife will not choose to have an affair again.

For pain, I processed most of the pain away. I still remember and think about it, but it doesn't hurt so much.

Here's a story:
Two days ago I needed to visit a business to purchase a product for our home. The parking lot of this business was where my wife first met her affair partner. Also, my wife used the product to sneak her affair partner into our home. Did I remember the pain? Hell yes. Did it hurt: Some, but the pain was a thousand times less intense than from just driving by this business 4 years ago. Did my wife remember? Hell yes too, and she volunteered to come with me to purchase the product. Our other option was to stay way from this product and pain, and run when needed, the rest of our lives.

[This message edited by still-living at 9:10 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

Dreamland posted 12/30/2013 12:24 PM

I remember everything for example today two years ago he met OW while at "work". I asked him to pick up some things for New Years at a special store downtown. They went to lunch together and then he was late home. Fucking that B. Ugh
He doesn't remember one thing dates nothing. I have it burned in my mind. One of the bad things about a photographic memory.
I just wonder if they really don't remember or just choose not to remember.
I think we need a WH to help us.
But the funny thing is he remembers our dates or things that happened between us. But overall has a horrid memory

[This message edited by Dreamland at 12:27 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 12/30/2013 12:30 PM

Even if they don't remember the dates, when the BS does, that pain needs to be acknowledged...

painfulpast posted 12/30/2013 12:36 PM

I do agree - I think it's a guy thing. My H actually gets annoyed that I remember, like I'm memorializing bad things. He's always been like that though, and has no clue why anyone gets upset on the anniversary of someone passing away.

There are a few, however, that he knows why I'm upset.

Yesterday was DDay Antiversary #3. #1 hurt. #2 went by unnoticed (oddly). Yesterday, it bothered me.

I think it can depend on my mood how much the dates affect me.

Razor posted 12/30/2013 12:43 PM

Do ppl in recovery let this go? I certainly don't want to commemorate them but they do come up - they don't ruin my day but I am sad.


Just IMO. But I think that at some point we need to just let this stuff pass in our mind. Let it pass behind our eyes and feel the pain but say nothing to our WS.

Why? What would I expect my WW to say in that situ? There is literally nothing she could say that would do any good. My WW is not a good WS as far as R goes. If I said things that came up as they came up her response would be anger. Not productive in my view.

But even if she were a *good* WS. Allot of these feelings and issues are internal to me. And in the end there still would be nothing constructive my WW could say that would make any difference.

My point is that there comes a time when our healing is OUR responsibility. Our WS cant heal us. Just as we cant fix them or make them feel remorse or empathy. How or whether we heal is on us.

Places bother me allot more than dates. I hate being in places where the LTA happened. Some say I should reclaim them and I tried that. But that didnt work for me. Fortunately this is a large planet and there are allot of other nice places to go.

When I get triggered by a place or behavior or a date I try my best to just work on my feelings internally. I sort thru it and then try and let it go.

Razor posted 12/30/2013 12:45 PM

I do agree - I think it's a guy thing. My H actually gets annoyed that I remember, like I'm memorializing bad things.

No. NOT a guy thing. WW gets annoyed that I remember.

Seems more associated with a personality type.

WW would rather gloss over everything and just forget it all. I cant.

rachelc posted 12/30/2013 12:45 PM

My husband was annoyed too, like I should choose not to remember those events... Ok I would if I could...

Part of our problem in our pre affair marriage is that I felt I didn't have a voice, i didn't air grievances... So resentment built up. If I can't talk about triggering and sadness with my spouse, what is the point really?

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:02 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 12/30/2013 13:07 PM


Although I was the WS, I remember dates that XH does not. I don't even think he knows what date was D-day, although I assume he remembers that it was a Saturday.

Last May 14, I mentioned that it had been 3 years since we were divorced. Not in a gleeful way; simply a mention of the date. He got annoyed and wanted to know why he would/should like to remember a day that something bad happened. For this reason, he also doesn't know (or care to remember) the date his father died, among other examples.

I always have a visceral "yeah right" reaction when I read comments (from both WS and BS sides) about the WS being proactive in recognizing triggery dates, just from my own experience. It's had more of a negative impact than anything, in my sitch.

wert posted 12/30/2013 13:16 PM

My W doesn't forget dates about the A, I do. We have established rituals on the dates that are of importance...That may help you all.

I choose that for two reasons. First, I determine what we do. She got to chose her actions for the A and from now on, on those dates I chose. Secondly, she needs to remember them and make sure the rituals happen. Why the hell would I want that responsibility? I got enough stuff to remember.

I guess I have tried to turn those dates into triumphs (as in me being the victor) not the victim. Those days are now about me, not about her stupid little A.

take care...

bobf posted 12/30/2013 13:24 PM

I think I will remember and hate Oct. 4 the rest of my life.

Forgetting is not a guy thing.

Rebreather posted 12/30/2013 14:33 PM

My husband remembers the day his children were born and the day his father died. He sure as hell ought to remember the day my world was blown apart. I do not believe in the concept of "it is a guy/woman thing."

Think how differently you would feel if your husband had said, "I am so sorry that I did those horrible hurtful things. I am working every day to earn a place in your life and be the man you deserve" and then held you and asked if you wanted to talk further.

I don't know if his issue is lack of remorse or lack of empathy, but it is rare he takes ownership of the pain he has caused.

wifehad5 posted 12/30/2013 15:33 PM

Yet more proof that I must be a woman. I remember dates in general far better than my wife, and especially our d-days and the events that lead up to them.

I can recite a pretty much minute by minute listing of the events that Dd and I did the two days that she left our vacation early to go to work, from songs on the radio, places we stopped, what we ate, what vehicle I was driving, the temperature, everything.

IMHO, this isn't a male VS. female thing.

BW2639 posted 1/1/2014 22:31 PM

I think it's a "cheater thing "...the cheater doesn't remember the dates, because it reminds them of what they did. (Assuming they are no longer in the fog and truly have ended the A) My fWW can remember things I did or said 20 yrs ago but can't (won't) remember much about her A.

Aspenstrong posted 1/2/2014 04:48 AM

I know dates stick in my head wether I want them to or not. So- I have blocked and neglected to pinpoint the date of his confession...probably won't make a difference as I'll remember the time period but at least for now no date is seared into my brain.
For years I couldn't handle our anniversary because it coincided with a dday later on. It really bugged my h. I think if he'd really tried to make things better I could've enjoyed our anniversary again much sooner.
To handle the anniversary of my mothers death I've started doing something to honor her on that day - its helped. It's too soon to think about how I'll handle this antiversary date but in time I will likely find something to help me through them and hopefully will be gentle with myself if it's hard.
What do you need? Comfort to help you through? Something to take your mind off it? I think people have different things that work for them. I hope you find what you need.

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