SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Elasticman posted 12/30/2013 09:13 AM

Hello I am a regretful Ws. It has been 1 month since DD. in that time I have seen my wife sadder than I have ever seen her. I hate it and what I have done to us. I'm signed up for individual counselling and MC. I am working on a detailed written timeline. No new revelations to come but writing and reading it ain't gonna be a happy experience for either of us. I am trying to immerse myself in this to be a better person and because I desperately want her to be happy again. Do things get worse than they are now for the BS? We have had moments of real closeness since DD and we talk more honestly now than we ever did - out of necessity.

Every day I think about what I have done the consequences get worse. I want to take responsibility for what I have done and make amends. Does the roller coaster get worse than DD? Or is it the return of these feelings that is the roller coaster? I deserve to feel bad I just hate the thought of her life being unrelentingly miserable.

cantaccept posted 12/30/2013 09:20 AM

If you are truly remorseful, feel her pain, tell her. Tell her over and over.

Read everything you can get your hands on. Learn.

Tell her a hundred times a day that you are sorry and why you are sorry. Tell her about how it hurts you to know you caused her pain.

I truly is hell.

Most important of all be honest. If you are not up to the task. If it is too hard for you. If you do not love her enough to stand by her through this, let her go now.

The worst part of R for me, False R.

It truly did help when he expressed remorse. It made the pain bearable. Now, knowing it was all a lie is even more painful.

Do things for her, help her. Make her food, rub her back (if she will let you). Treat her like she is the most valuable thing in the world to you. Ask her what she needs and do it.

cl131716 posted 12/30/2013 09:29 AM

I don't really know considering even at 5 months out I haven't entered R yet.

I agree with cantaccept.
False R is the worst. Continued lying, blameshifting, projecting, and continuing to be selfish will delay R and possible end your marriage.

steadfast1973 posted 12/30/2013 09:53 AM

Yep, false R is the worst. Not feeling like a priority, close second. And being afraid to talk about stuff, because you don't want to hurt the WH. Or cause another fight. Questioning everything. That voice in the back of your head telling you how stupid you are for staying after dday. How just when you think she's gone, there she is. Mind movies. Triggers that take you right back to dday... Even months out. Hopelessness.

iwillNOT posted 12/30/2013 10:07 AM

This pain of this betrayal is worse than I could ever have imagined. I have heard that from many others as well. For me, the emotional roller coaster was absolutely crazy for the first 3 months. I could go from happy to angry to crying in a few minutes time, then repeat, all day long. Nightmares, no sleep, depression/AD's, on and on. My point is, buckle up, it's gonna be a heck of a ride. At almost five months out, the roller coaster has evened out although I am still on it. I have a remorseful spouse who has done almost everything I have asked. I can't imagine how people with un remorseful partners can do it.

You ask what are the worst parts of R, so I will address that question. Being vulnerable in an way to the person who could lie to my face, put me second, endanger my mental and physical health, give away my security and the "special" in our marriage so easily and for cheap sex in a car, and risk my children's security. He did all this, ON PURPOSE. He was supposed to protect me and our family, not only did he not do that, he is the one who harmed us. Now I know what he is capable of, and I must protect myself from him. How do I do that, and R?

Another difficult thing is the feeling that all the past has been tainted, because he was never who I thought he was, I never thought him capable of this. And the memories of life during his cheating are always accompanied by wondering did he talk to OW that day, did he sleep with her, what lies did he tell to hide his behavior etc. I mourn the loss of the past I thought was real, and the loss of the future I thought we would have.

I feel these things every single day, and I struggle with how I can R if I have these feelings.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 10:17 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

doggiediva posted 12/30/2013 10:39 AM

As was said by another poster, let her know you are in the M forever thru the ups and downs of the roller coaster.. If it turns out someday that you or she isn't up to R, than let her go in the most un traumatic way possible..

Protect her and treat her fairly in a divorce settlement without a fight if it comes to that..

I went thru the pain of false R, wasting 3-4 years of my life in it..I have been done with the M for a while and WH knows it..I am physically stuck for the moment because my un remorseful WH won't move out of the house even though he has been asked to..

I am /was the main breadwinner and cannot afford to support 2 households.. I cannot afford a contentious or nasty divorce.. WH is purposefully staying unemployed because he knows I want to divorce him..I know from his behavior/actions that he feels entitled, is un remorseful and more than likely he never loved me at all....

If you love somebody you want to protect that person, am I right?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:49 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

jzkc1502 posted 12/30/2013 10:58 AM

If it turns out someday that you or she isn't up to R, than let her go in the most un traumatic way possible.

Oh my can't agree with this anymore!!!

My WH is so dang selfish that now when I said R is not what I want at all he flies into a rage saying "You're throwing our marriage out int he trash" "You're a quitter" "I thought you were stronger than this". The nicest thing my WH could do for me right now is to be civil with a divorce, however not too sure thats whats in store for me.

sisoon posted 12/30/2013 11:10 AM

In my experience, I was still in shock at a month out. The roller coaster went down fast for at least 3 months for me. Then the descent slowed for 3 months. Since then it's been up and down. Betrayal causes LOTS of damage.

It took my W close to a couple of years to stabilize and find the courage to look deep and start changing.

Razor posted 12/30/2013 11:35 AM

If you want to R with your BW you need to work at this harder and longer than you have ever worked for anything in your life.

Go beyond your BW expectations. If she asks you to be or do X. Then go beyond that. Think beyond what she asks and do more. Do X Y and Z. Be proactive. Think and anticipate how your BW will feel about things you do in your every day life.

Repeated behavior patterns is a big trigger for me. So THINK before you do or say something. Is this something you did or said when in your affair? Was this something you used as a excuse to see the OW? If so. Then DONT do it.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:38 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

painfulpast posted 12/30/2013 11:43 AM

Read "How to help your spouse heal from an affair". It's not too long, it's to the point, and has VERY good advice.

The accepted time frame for healing is 2 to 5 years, so at 1 month in, you've barely touched the surface. it's a long, tough road.

And sadly, yes, it gets worse. I'm sorry. There are stages, and each is hard.

Razor posted 12/30/2013 11:52 AM

The accepted time frame for healing is 2 to 5 years, so at 1 month in, you've barely touched the surface. it's a long, tough road.

I really hate this *accepted time frame* because it can be so misleading.

It suggests that if the WS does the MINIMUM to stay in the M then after the 5 year mark rolls around the BS should be healed. And if that isnt so then the fault of that is on the BS not the WS.

It isnt the time. Its what you DO with the time that heals.

And even if the WS feels they are doing *everything* their version of *everything* may not line up to the needs of the BS. So again. The 5 year mark rolls around and there is no real R. And the fault of this is on the BS because the WS was doing *everything*.

The 2 to 5 years places a limit on how long the healing should take. As if after that time the M should be back to the way it was before. The truth is that it never will be the way it was before. Not ever.

IMO if the WS is really wanting to R then they will be willing to work on repairing the damage they did FOREVER. Because that scar on the M and the BS will remain FOREVER. IMO a truly remorseful WS will continue to work on them self and the M and will remain transparent and honest with every thing FOREVER. And if the WS balks at this then its best to just D and let their BS go because the WS is really not that committed to R or the M.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:54 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

womaninflux posted 12/30/2013 11:55 AM

I suggest both of you read "How to heal…" and also "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass bc it is a 360 revelation about how affairs start seemingly innocently and then cross the line and all bets are off. It might answer a lot of her questions about how something like this could happen.

Above all, do not blame her. Do not blame anyone except yourself. Do not tell her about what your guy friends do behind their wives' backs - she doesn't need the added burden of those secrets and it's not like that makes you look any better…in fact it just makes you look WORSE and less trustworthy in the long run.

Stay close to home, be totally transparent and accountable. Check in. And as time goes on, keep checking in. I cannot emphasize this enough. This is the ONLY way you will be able to start to rebuild your relationship - actions speak louder than words. Do what you say you are going to do. Spend TIME with her…get to know each other again. You cannot buy her forgiveness with materialism and vacations (and if she thinks you can, there is something wrong). The only way to get through this is examining the reasons why it happened in the first place and I will give you a hint - it's not because of her.

I'm almost 10 months out from DD and I still cry over this. I can't believe I was deceived for so long. The betrayal and lies (the lies that seemed so believable for so long) are the hardest thing to get through (you don't get over them, you get through them if anything).

Tred posted 12/30/2013 12:00 PM

Props to you for posting this - hopefully the intent behind it is sincere. If that's true, you are off to a good start.

I think you have gotten really good advice. I'd have to agree that false R along with trickle truth (aka still lying) are the worst. It can undo months of healing in an instant, setting you back to DDay or it may just be the last straw that breaks your BS, whether or not you R. If you don't intend to be completely honest with her then you might be a regretful WS, but never a remorseful one. Remember, conventional wisdom is it takes 2-5 years to heal from the last hurt. Give her the level of detail she wants to know, because to be honest the BS is in the better position of understanding what they need to heal. The WS that lies by omission, holding back, or minimizing is really still just protecting themselves.

Read "What Every WS Needs to Know" - it's a thread that floats around in the Wayward section.

Daisy312 posted 12/30/2013 12:09 PM

There are sooo many horrible parts! For me knowing that it will take years to rebuild my M an my life is sometimes very discouraging. I'm 20 months out now and I can say the pain has changed. Although I don't cry every day or think about the betrayal every second, I still hurt tremendously! My FWH is the ideal FWH if there is such a thing but I still feel anxiety whenever we are apart. I have built walls that I know need to come down but I'm scared. I'm still riding the rollercoaster from hell, and there are still days I want to give up. I no longer trust myself and I'm afraid to be made a fool again. Just continue to support her an love her and ask what she needs from you. We all need different things. Good luck to you.

hardtimesinlife posted 12/30/2013 12:11 PM

So glad you popped in to ask this question.

Never ask her "when she's going to get over this".
Never minimize the cheating.
Never get angry at her for checking up on your whereabouts.
Never tell her you are tired of hearing about her heartbreak.

She WILL trigger, hard and often most likely.
Move towards her when she triggers.
Never turn your back and walk away no matter how angry she seems. That anger is just intense pain that has no end. If she tells you to leave, just leave the room. We say things we don't really mean sometimes. We say "LEAVE" then we imagine you just went to OW's arms. Then the cycle starts over again. It feels like hell on earth.

Tell her what steps you are taking to fix yourself so this never happens again. Share your journey with her if she'll allow you.

Infidelity needs to be talked about, exposed to the light. It cannot be swept under the rug if you are to have a loving close relationship someday.

This terrible thing happened to her. There will most likely not be a time when she isn't thinking about it. At least for a while. It will pop into her mind at the worst possible times. Don't be afraid to ask her if she's triggering. Don't be afraid of her anger. Just let her get it out (non-violently of course).

And NEVER lie about anything, small or large. Don't hide information thinking you'll wait 'til later to tell her. If ow contacts you, tell your w immediately. If you are going to be late coming home be prepared to prove where and why. If she finds one inconsistency she will be thrown back to near the beginning.

Finally, love her. Show her. Tell her. Tell others you love her. In time she will believe it again.

Razor posted 12/30/2013 12:19 PM

Never turn your back and walk away no matter how angry she seems.

Recently I read a psychologist postulate that *anger* is NOT a emotion. Instead it is a reaction to a emotion. Usually a reaction to pain or fear.

When you see anger from your BW. Keep that in mind.

lilflower1000 posted 12/30/2013 12:44 PM

I agree with all previous posts.. We are now at 1yr and 4 Mos from d-day..and about 1 yr and 1 mos from the end of false R. False R was by far the worst part of this whole thing. Trickle truth is a close second. Be sure she knows everything now if she wants to know.. I wanted to know everything. I got trickle truth. Every time something new came out it was like d-day ( or worse) all over again. Just assume she will find everything out on her own and tell her now to avoid future setbacks.this is assuming she wants the info.

My WS is perfect now. I still have issues, mind movies, and anger, but things are much much better than b4. It is amazing how my ws remembers all my triggers, which range from, Mexican restaurants where he took her), Zaxby's Chicken ( where she worked and where they met), Saturn ( the type of car he gave her), numerous songs he dedicated to her,and even the name of the town where she lived. We got rid of the car he f*cked her in, he calls me whenever he goes to fast food restaurants, and I noticed the other day when he hung our church calendar he was sweet enough to cut a piece off the bottom that gave the address of a church affiliate in her town Little things like that mean the world to me. Always answer your phone or call back immediately, give her full access to all email accounts and phones that you have let her know where you are at all times or better yet bring her w/you and make it clear how proud you are to be her husband.

Write a concise no contact letter and send it certified mail so ow has to sign for it. Be sure your bs is allowed to read and edit it if she would like. Be clear in the letter that you love your wife, what you did was cruel and you plan to work on being the best husband to the love of your life.

Anyway, it will be a long road lots of ups and downs. Stay the path, hold her and understand when she is sad or lashes out at you. You are to be commended for stepping up and taking on the consequences of your actions. It will not be easy, but if y'all come through this you will have a stronger deeper love for one another than you could ever have imagined possible.