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Newest Member: Questiounanswere (45696)

User Topic: The soft sell...
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know many of you are on here much earlier in the process than I am, so I'd like to share a quick word or two of wisdom from my own hard knocks. I, like so many of you, have read everything I could get my hands on, surfed the net for literally 14 months, and engaged every resource possible to heal.

I'm begging you, do not read or visit sites where it is clearly a kinder gentler wayward friendly site. Watch out for the sites that do not contain a balance of information or aren't geared specifically to betrayed spouses. SI is a good resource. The language in the library is carefully crafted. There are other good sites as well. But take a cautious approach. For instance, as a betrayed, make the effort for a long, long time, not to read sites where the person crafting the blog or the "program" of recovery is a current or former cheater.

There's a lot of these sites out there, some of them HIGHLY touted...been on many big shows and so forth. I recently read one where the advice seemed very sound for people trying to deal with being betrayed. Since I'm single now, I'm looking for more detail on letting go, slowing the reminders and triggers down to manageable levels, and reclaiming my happiness. One in particular was sounding good until there was a pitch about being of weak character because the cheater was not reconciled with. The betrayed are accused of holding on to bitterness and not being able to forgive. So, the spouse can cheat, can lie, deceive, but the one with weak character is the betrayed? Because they chose to divorce their spouse and be safe? Or better yet, find someone who has the moral clarity and strength of mind not to run into another persons arms the minute things go awry???? Divorce is the fault of the betrayed??????????????

So this becomes more soft selling of the "betrayed is always at fault" mentality, that simply infuriates me. The choice to cheat is always the wayward, never the betrayed. Hurt is hurt. Abuse, and cheating is emotional abuse, cannot be justified no matter what! That is an absolute.

Watch out for these sites, and there are many, and many of them are slick. They'll even say the right things, "It's 100% the cheaters fault", then move on to all the things you did wrong as a betrayed spouse. Helpful hint, if you want to reconcile, find a marriage counselor, insist that the first thing you do is deal with the hurt of the betrayed. Right away. Then deal with the backlash from the affair. Then start working together. The marriage has nothing to do with the affair. I was in the exact same marriage as my wife and chose not to cheat.

So just a cautionary note, watch what you read and take much of it with a grain of salt. Most of the time these sites written by waywards, and the programs written by waywards are geared toward making themselves feel better, justifying their actions, and forcing the betrayed to own something they should not. You did nothing wrong. You didn't cheat. Remember that. And those who did must own it without pointing the finger, ever, at their betrayed spouse. No one held a gun to their head, they didn't slip on a banana peel and fall on another man or woman's genitals, and you certainly did not drive them to the other person's house, drop them off and insist they go screw. So never, ever, ever, ever take the blame, let the wayward try to make you take the blame, or let some idiot with a website try to tell you that you "contributed" to the affair. It's crap.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The betrayed are accused of holding on to bitterness and not being able to forgive. So, the spouse can cheat, can lie, deceive, but the one with weak character is the betrayed? Because they chose to divorce their spouse and be safe? Or better yet, find someone who has the moral clarity and strength of mind not to run into another persons arms the minute things go awry???? Divorce is the fault of the betrayed??????????????

This is one thing I am currently struggling with. I feel like if I decide to D then I am the one giving up.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cl, nope. I did my job. I didn't go pay a hooker for sex. And by all accounts, and things I hear from WSs... I had all the tell tale markers of a WS. I am a sex abuse survivor, I was severely neglected as a child, I was abandoned, my love language is words of affirmation, my husband was fully immersed in a life completely separate from me, i am in the middle of a mid life crisis, I had checked out of the marriage... And the big one, I am a recovering sex addict. Yep. But, I remained faithful... And even before DDay2, when i had decided to get my ducks in line and leave, i didn't feel like I was the one giving up. I had not broken my vows... He did... I tried to make it work, he did not. I was always an open book. He was not. Despite having more motive, opportunity, and ability (i am more attractive -I would not need to pay a prostitute) I did not go outside of the marriage for things I was lacking in our marriage.

If you D, at this point, you've already gone above and beyond what he deserved and then some, to forgive, and save the M, and he still continued to hurt you, instead. Nope, all him babe. You did you part, and then some.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And forgiveness and divorce are two different things. One can eventually forgive another but know that the cheating was not appropriate and the only good place to be was away from that spouse. Divorce or reconcile is your choice but you cant take the blame for a divorce when your spouse broke their vows. You arent expected to honor the covenant of marriage when your spouse doesnt give a crap, sleeps around, then torments you. You are allowed to walk away guilt free. It was their choice.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
jzkc1502
40496
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are allowed to walk away guilt free. It was their choice.

This is where I am at, and why it hurts so bad when WH says "You're throwing our marriage out like trash". Now I have to take the blame for ending the marriage cause I don't wanna be with a cheater.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard that one too. She actually told me if I filed for divorce I was dooming our son to be just like the other man, since his parents divorced.

The level of denial in these statements is dumbfounding. When he says 'your throwing the marriage out like trash' that's fear of the repercussions of his actions. He made his choice. The marriage didn't matter. If it mattered, he would have made the same decision you made, which was not to cheat. Like I said, I was in the exact same marriage as my wife. She cheated, I did not. I told her for 15 years cheating was the one thing I would not tolerate or live with. Why should I spend the rest of my life with someone I can't trust, who will likely do it again, and will not sacrifice for the good of our marriage? Yes, not cheating is a sacrifice. It's called fidelity. You sacrifice the bed springs of any potential sex partner for the fidelity and long term commitment of marriage. It's really easy. You don't play around.

So while I can see your struggle, I guess I wonder what it is you want to hang on to? If he's not willing to do the work, if he's not really remorseful (and yes you can tell, trust your gut on this, your gut told you he was shagging someone else, right?), if he's not worked his tail off at this point, then you have a pretty good indication.

I have zero guilt for my divorce. She played. She paid.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 6

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