"Sounds strange but my marriage wasn't actually bad at all"
No it's not strange, not one bit. In the research and reading I've done the stereotype of "he's a bad guy, he beats me, I'm forced to run into another man's arms" is just a crock. Many people report their marriage was pretty good before the affair. Some will tell you reconciliation, as a process, forced issues to the surface (helpful hint, don’t say this to your betrayed husband until about 8 months after dday, he’ll mock you with it and use it as a hammer – “oh, so you cheated to fix ME?!?!?!”). Understand, there are other situations where the affair has such a detrimental impact on the relationship, its destructive power is a tidal wave. Some marriages do not survive. Mine did not. My wayward wife didn’t tell me the truth, hid things, never engaged in my healing or fixing herself. It was a wasted effort on my part.
Is it better to confess than be caught? Oh yeah, but don’t minimize this either. It will change the dynamic of your relationship with your husband. He may decide infidelity is too much for him to handle. He may become cold, distant, unreachable and will for sure be these things for a while anyhow.
This idea that only bad marriages encounter affairs is ludicrous. And it is also a lot of people’s way out, blame the betrayed, they must have done something to deserve it, right? The truth is actually closer to what you describe. It wasn’t a bad marriage for many victims of infidelity. And the curious math says,if the marriage was so bad it made you cheat, then why didn’t your husband cheat? It was the same marriage and he didn’t cheat, so can you really blame the marriage? Here’s a hint…no. And if you do, you might as well pack your bags now, because he is not going to want to hear that... This is about you. Why did you seek to do this? What made you want to go outside your marriage? These are tough questions, but they will come up quickly from your BS, and you will have to start making changes quickly, so expect to do some hard soul searching.
So here’s some advice, before you confess, which will be better for you in the long run, I assure you:
Get to the healing library and other resources quickly and read everything on how to confess.
Be prepared for some of the most intense feelings of guilt and shame you’ve ever experienced. And you will see looks in his eyes that you’ve never seen before.
Know this will take years. Not days. Not weeks. So you should never ever ever press on him to “get over it” or “be normal”. You’ll push him away.
Do not, under any circumstances, no matter how mad you are, mad he gets at you, or whatever the context of the fight might be, blame him for the affair. Very common for waywards after confessing is to point the finger at the spouse and tell them all the weaknesses of the marriage. Each time you do, it will be like kicking him in the stomach, it’s horrifying to the betrayed.
He will go through an emotional turmoil like you’ve probably never experienced. One day loving and happy, 10 minutes later he’s yelling and hates everything. It’s pure torment, a form of hell on earth no man or woman should endure. The visions, the terror, the true understanding of evil because the betrayed have been burned in a way that very few understand, but when they do understand it, there’s no going back to what you were before.
It’s scary stuff. And your natural urge will be to protect him from more hurt. He’ll ask you things. You won’t want to tell him. Tell him anyhow. He’ll ask you the same question, again, and again, and again. Be 100% honest, tell him the truth. Back it up, if you can. And don’t start embellishing. He’s finding your fidelity again. He wants to know if he can trust you. If you are not comfortable telling him something, like some fact about the sex, then tell him you will tell him all the details at a later time, but you want him to heal, promise it, and write it on a piece of paper, the question, and the date you’ll give him the answer, 2 weeks, two months, gauge his level of hurt. You won’t withhold, but just wait for a slightly better time, when both of us are more comfortable. You could also ask him to write out a list of questions and you will answer all of them for him.
Know that the unsuspecting spouse, who does not see it coming, is the most hurt and will take the longest time to recover.
If he wants you to give him your cell phone password, do it. If he wants to have all your computer passwords, do it. If you don’t want to, ask yourself, what do I have to lose? He already knows I’ve done the worst thing I can do to a marriage, right? Do not get defensive when he asks for you to do something. I repeat, do not get defensive, you will be exhausted, don’t get defensive. He will torment himself with the same questions, don’t get defensive. He will put you down, walk away, threaten all sorts of lunacy. Don’t get defensive.
One more helpful hint. Being a defender of the affair partner is likely to end your happy home. Keep in mind a few facts about your AP. He pursued a married woman. He had the option to stop himself, and did not. Just like you. He knew, what most AP’s know, which is, you’re unlikely to leave your spouse, so they don’t have to worry about commitment. If it get’s tough, he says, hey, you’re the one cheating, not me. Or worse, threatens to tell hubby. You used him as a confidant against your husband and you trusted someone who would help another person cheat and potentially ruin their marriage. This is not a man of character. Your husband is. So the more defensive you get of the AP, the worse your husband will feel. And don’t just blame the AP either. You made this choice. Your husband will hate you, but he will respect the fact that you own it and don’t just blame the AP.
Maybe others disagree with me on some of these. I don’t know. I just thought you needed to know fully what confessing will mean. I do wish you well though. I see real remorse in your post. I will pray for your family and your healing.
