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Coming through 'the fog' and ending A, advice please!?

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Vikki35 posted 12/30/2013 14:56 PM

After reading posts etc on her for the last week or two I finally decided to post as I'm getting desperate, or I should say feeling that way with no one to talk to about anything :0(

I've been in an A for last 6 months and previously tried to finish things twice although tbh I didn't try very head, awful ad that sounds.
This time it's different tho, I feel I've got my head in the right place finally and u want thus over. I need to move past this crappy part of my life and really work in sorting my marriage.
The problems I'm having are with detaching myself from AP. I'm struggling, really struggling emotionally......I just feel so empty and low. I know it's what I deserve and it's to be expected but I just wanted some advice from others and how they got past this stage and 'moved on'. I'm desperate to sort this out for my whole families sake And am scared I'll crumble again and I really don't want that :0( I'm trying to avoid the triggers as much as possible but if I'm honest he's still in my head almost constantly....
Any advice is very much appreciated...

breakingpoint posted 12/30/2013 15:15 PM

I think you have to walk the walk and your heart will follow. Cut as much contact as you can and mourn. You were getting something from the A or it wouldn't have happened. So ending it will be painful. Realize that letting go is a process. Pay attention to what you miss from the A, because that will tell you where your emotional work needs to be done.

Work on stepping into your BH's shoes and fathoming what hurt you have caused him. Step back from the situation and look for the big picture. Realize the flaws of your AP. For one, honesty and integrity aren't strong on any of us waywards character traits right now. Look for the reality, because its a lot uglier than the fog.

Good luck!

floridaredman posted 12/30/2013 15:34 PM

Does your husband know?

Vikki35 posted 12/30/2013 16:41 PM

Breakingpoint -thank u for that , it really does help to encourage me and give me belief in myself that I can do this.
I've already read so much on here and I've identified the AP flaws of which I can see there are many and I'm not under the delusion that it would have worked between us so I guess in that respect I am out of 'the fog' but the emotional attachment I'm finding so hard. I feel so lonely and I know this was a big contributing factor initially in why the affair happened in the first place. I know that's a big thing I need to work on....
I have cut as much contact as I can but I will still see him at work, although briefly. It's something I will have to get over... :0(
Thank u again for your words, it's like a virtual hug to me lol

Floridaredman - no my husband goes not know about the affair and do that is my next challenge, to confess or not.
To be honest I'm petrified to do so BUT I Aldo realise we have issues in our marriage (well at least I do) and if I don't tell him how can we address the problems?? Hhmmm....

breakingpoint posted 12/30/2013 17:48 PM

Proud that you are taking the first steps! Hang in there!

floridaredman posted 12/30/2013 18:07 PM

if I don't tell him how can we address the problems??

Good question. A marriage will eventually fail without honesty. Eventually even little white lies can tear a marriage apart
You can't fix what you don't face

SurprisinglyOkay posted 12/30/2013 19:17 PM


ood question. A marriage will eventually fail without honesty. Eventually even little white lies can tear a marriage apart
You can't fix what you don't face

Yes yes yes!!

Telling him will be really freakin scary, but better he find out from you than somewhere else.
I wish i had confessed!
I recommend reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

It's a quick read, but a great book, helped me a lot.

Keep posting!

Trying33 posted 12/30/2013 23:36 PM

Just want to let you know, many of us know what you're going through. The fact that you've posted here show's you may be done for real this time.

When you're done, you're done.

Now for the hard bit. Withdrawal. Hardest thing ever but POSSIBLE.

Keep posting.. everyone is here for you.

Right now, focus on physical NC. A day at time.

Vikki35 posted 12/31/2013 01:42 AM

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the messages so much. I know I'm doing the right thing and today I feel more positive about the situation although I'm sure it's going to be like a roller coaster of ups and downs. I really don't want to do this anymore, feeling determined :0)

Sounds strange but my marriage wasn't actually bad at all but if course at the beginning I told myself all sorts like my husband didn't love me etc etc to help justify my behaviour in my head. But the last months I've noticed how great my husband is. How he us really here for me and our kids and that I was totally in denial about the situation. It's actually quite scary to realise how your mind can play tricks on u like that!!

This is going to sound a bit weird but last night I had a very restless nights sleep which looking back has been usual for the last few months but I've only just connected it with the A. It shows how the guilt, lying etc even if u try and deny it it's still there in your head, u can't escape it. I was always a person that fell asleep easily and slept like a baby but not in recent months! Just goes to show how it affects u.....

Yes I'll take it one day at a time..... Thanks again :0)

Prayingforhope posted 12/31/2013 10:34 AM

There is some great advice here. I'll add two things which help me every single day manage through this mess which I created:

First, you should invest in your BS ten times what you invested in the A. You will get out of your marriage what you put into it and let's face it, no WS is investing in their marriage when they are having an A. In my case I was actually taking away from my marriage, tearing it down with one snide comment after another and not even realizing it.

I've seen this approach described as "fake it 'til you make it" and I really believe in it. At one point in my A the AP ended it and I invested only in my marriage. I still look back at that window during my A as some of the best moments with my BS...why? Because I was focused ONLY on her.

Second, I won't comment on whether you should confess or not BUT I will say, IF your BS knows about the A, you have instant motivation and FOCUS to end it. All of sudden ending it doesn't become some 'nice to have' idea (which it was for me many times), it becomes a matter of life or death. Because if I lose my BS, a big chunk of my life is over...and that makes you fight ten times harder. Powerful motivation.

Good luck!

Brandon808 posted 12/31/2013 10:51 AM

no my husband goes not know about the affair and do that is my next challenge, to confess or not.
Speaking as a BH I will advise you to confess and I'll explain why.

Of the relationships where I was cheated on I only got one confession. It was after she broke up with me and then decided she wanted to get back together. I had already figured it out on my own. I never learned about it through confession. Myself and many other BS on SI have said that we prefer confession to discovering it ourselves. The act of confessing is an overt act to be more honest. To do away with the lies.

It is extremely rare in my experience and observations for an A to go undiscovered forever. Sooner or later it comes out. Sometimes years after the M has ended. Sometimes after the WS has passed on. Those discoveries are the worst. It would take too long and be too much of a t/j imho to explicitly describe that pain but I have felt it.

Another member of SI (she-ra) posted a very good thread about confessing.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 12/31/2013 11:48 AM

"Sounds strange but my marriage wasn't actually bad at all"
No it's not strange, not one bit. In the research and reading I've done the stereotype of "he's a bad guy, he beats me, I'm forced to run into another man's arms" is just a crock. Many people report their marriage was pretty good before the affair. Some will tell you reconciliation, as a process, forced issues to the surface (helpful hint, donít say this to your betrayed husband until about 8 months after dday, heíll mock you with it and use it as a hammer Ė ďoh, so you cheated to fix ME?!?!?!Ē). Understand, there are other situations where the affair has such a detrimental impact on the relationship, its destructive power is a tidal wave. Some marriages do not survive. Mine did not. My wayward wife didnít tell me the truth, hid things, never engaged in my healing or fixing herself. It was a wasted effort on my part.
Is it better to confess than be caught? Oh yeah, but donít minimize this either. It will change the dynamic of your relationship with your husband. He may decide infidelity is too much for him to handle. He may become cold, distant, unreachable and will for sure be these things for a while anyhow.
This idea that only bad marriages encounter affairs is ludicrous. And it is also a lot of peopleís way out, blame the betrayed, they must have done something to deserve it, right? The truth is actually closer to what you describe. It wasnít a bad marriage for many victims of infidelity. And the curious math says,if the marriage was so bad it made you cheat, then why didnít your husband cheat? It was the same marriage and he didnít cheat, so can you really blame the marriage? Hereís a hintÖno. And if you do, you might as well pack your bags now, because he is not going to want to hear that... This is about you. Why did you seek to do this? What made you want to go outside your marriage? These are tough questions, but they will come up quickly from your BS, and you will have to start making changes quickly, so expect to do some hard soul searching.
So hereís some advice, before you confess, which will be better for you in the long run, I assure you:
Get to the healing library and other resources quickly and read everything on how to confess.
Be prepared for some of the most intense feelings of guilt and shame youíve ever experienced. And you will see looks in his eyes that youíve never seen before.
Know this will take years. Not days. Not weeks. So you should never ever ever press on him to ďget over itĒ or ďbe normalĒ. Youíll push him away.
Do not, under any circumstances, no matter how mad you are, mad he gets at you, or whatever the context of the fight might be, blame him for the affair. Very common for waywards after confessing is to point the finger at the spouse and tell them all the weaknesses of the marriage. Each time you do, it will be like kicking him in the stomach, itís horrifying to the betrayed.
He will go through an emotional turmoil like youíve probably never experienced. One day loving and happy, 10 minutes later heís yelling and hates everything. Itís pure torment, a form of hell on earth no man or woman should endure. The visions, the terror, the true understanding of evil because the betrayed have been burned in a way that very few understand, but when they do understand it, thereís no going back to what you were before.
Itís scary stuff. And your natural urge will be to protect him from more hurt. Heíll ask you things. You wonít want to tell him. Tell him anyhow. Heíll ask you the same question, again, and again, and again. Be 100% honest, tell him the truth. Back it up, if you can. And donít start embellishing. Heís finding your fidelity again. He wants to know if he can trust you. If you are not comfortable telling him something, like some fact about the sex, then tell him you will tell him all the details at a later time, but you want him to heal, promise it, and write it on a piece of paper, the question, and the date youíll give him the answer, 2 weeks, two months, gauge his level of hurt. You wonít withhold, but just wait for a slightly better time, when both of us are more comfortable. You could also ask him to write out a list of questions and you will answer all of them for him.
Know that the unsuspecting spouse, who does not see it coming, is the most hurt and will take the longest time to recover.
If he wants you to give him your cell phone password, do it. If he wants to have all your computer passwords, do it. If you donít want to, ask yourself, what do I have to lose? He already knows Iíve done the worst thing I can do to a marriage, right? Do not get defensive when he asks for you to do something. I repeat, do not get defensive, you will be exhausted, donít get defensive. He will torment himself with the same questions, donít get defensive. He will put you down, walk away, threaten all sorts of lunacy. Donít get defensive.
One more helpful hint. Being a defender of the affair partner is likely to end your happy home. Keep in mind a few facts about your AP. He pursued a married woman. He had the option to stop himself, and did not. Just like you. He knew, what most APís know, which is, youíre unlikely to leave your spouse, so they donít have to worry about commitment. If it getís tough, he says, hey, youíre the one cheating, not me. Or worse, threatens to tell hubby. You used him as a confidant against your husband and you trusted someone who would help another person cheat and potentially ruin their marriage. This is not a man of character. Your husband is. So the more defensive you get of the AP, the worse your husband will feel. And donít just blame the AP either. You made this choice. Your husband will hate you, but he will respect the fact that you own it and donít just blame the AP.
Maybe others disagree with me on some of these. I donít know. I just thought you needed to know fully what confessing will mean. I do wish you well though. I see real remorse in your post. I will pray for your family and your healing.

Vikki35 posted 12/31/2013 12:36 PM

Well after starting the day feeling positive by lunchtime I was a mess. Felt like my stomach had been ripped out and I just couldn't stop crying :0( what I don't understand is I want to fix this, I don't want to see him again and I clearly see the AP faults so I feel I have some clarity in my brain on the situation.... But my heart just feels so differently........ I'll be honest... I didn't expect this almost physical pain. I know I deserve it but... Still it's so difficult....

Getmylifebak2013 - thank u for your post and your honesty.
I take on board all that u have said, all that any have said actually. Maybe all WS say this but I just never expected to find myself in thus situation, I just wasn't the sort of person to cheat, or so I thought.
With regards to confessing I just feel in too much of a mess myself right now, I'm struggling to hold it together and that's just me. I guess that's selfish.... But I can't do it yet :0(

To the BS that have replied I'm sorry if my posts seem selfish and insensitive, it's not my intention but I'm just trying to be honest to get the advice I need...

Brandon808 posted 12/31/2013 12:47 PM

There is a reason the A is referred to as being addictive. Addicts know alcohol/drugs are extremely destructive but that doesn't make the struggle any less difficult.

With regards to confessing I just feel in too much of a mess myself right now, I'm struggling to hold it together and that's just me. I guess that's selfish.... But I can't do it yet :0(
Understandable. I would just say don't close the door on it altogether.

To the BS that have replied I'm sorry if my posts seem selfish and insensitive, it's not my intention but I'm just trying to be honest to get the advice I need...
I respect all WS who come to SI. Being honest and getting advice is a big step in the right direction to making your life authentic and healthy again.

Vikki35 posted 12/31/2013 12:48 PM

Also over the past month I've already begun the soul searching. I know that this A has more to do with me and how I feel and any issues that I may have (confidence etc) more than our marriage. Like I said, it wasn't a bad marriage although it took me a while to wake up to the fact and admit it to myself. It was easier to be in denial and think 'if my husband was more ....' It wouldn't have happened blah blah. I now see this was just the 'fantasy' kicking in.... As I said, it's difficult to face how u can be tricked by your own feelings, even ehen those feelings are of denial!
Thank u for what u said about the AP too. Of course it's true, it all makes sense but I didn't see it at the time. I was risking everything to be with him whilst he risked morning... I can't believe I was so stupid! I'm very angry at myself in all of this :0(

Aubrie posted 12/31/2013 12:51 PM

I know that this A has more to do with me and how I feel and any issues that I may have (confidence etc) more than our marriage.
*The sun shines and angels sing*

Nailed it Vikki. Absolutely nailed it. Dig into that! You'll find your answers in there.

I can't believe I was so stupid! I'm very angry at myself in all of this
Word. It's a devastating thought. That we would destroy everything, to try to band-aid our broken souls, when we really needed full blown surgery.


Vikki35 posted 12/31/2013 12:53 PM

*risked nothing*
Sorry, not easy typing on a phone :0)

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