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His wife wants to meet with me. Should I?

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query posted 12/30/2013 22:51 PM

I thought it was behind me. He has left me alone since I moved. Those who followed my story before know that my close friend, a betrayed spouse I met in my grief support group, told his wife for me. She is the one who referred me to this forum for advice when I was struggling with whether or not to tell her. Now she has contacted my friend and says she wants to meet with me. She will come to my city. This is not his first affair. He has a pattern. She told my friend this. Se said that she is with him now only for financial and family reasons. I have given her all the information I have. I have nothing more to tell her. She now knows about what I and my parents have gone through this past year (the loss of my twin to a drunk driver). The holidays have been so hard. So hard. Should I meet with her?

fourever posted 12/30/2013 23:09 PM

No Stop Sign, BS here.

I think you have done all you are required to do. I think if you have apologized sincerely and have given her everything, you are under no further obligation. (Thank you for doing that.)

Just kindly decline, saying you have nothing further to add and you would appreciate your privacy.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 12/30/2013 23:10 PM

What do you, or she, hope to accomplish? I personally cant see a reason to meet with any other people, but i am not in your shoes. If you think it would help you or her heal perhaps, but dont you think these are just exercises in exposing more hurt? Do you believe it is an exercise in humility? I dont know your story, but i do believe it would be counterproductive. Just my opinion without all the facts...

painfulpast posted 12/31/2013 07:03 AM

BS here - different opinion, sort of. If I recall, you didn't actually speak to her, so you decided what information she received. To you, it may have been the right information. To her? Maybe not. She may want to know things he said, or where you went, or other information that you didn't provide.

I don't see any reason to personally meet with her, but I think a phone call could allow her to ask her questions and obtain the answers she is looking for.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, you've had a very trying year. Unbelievably hard in fact. But please remember that she has too, and that she may have questions that are still unanswered.

Justgreatnews posted 12/31/2013 07:57 AM

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:41 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

heartache101 posted 12/31/2013 07:59 AM

Please do not meet with her. You have done all you need to do. It is your time to heal.

womaninflux posted 12/31/2013 08:06 AM

BS here…I agree with Fourever's remarks.

I don't think anyone has anything to gain from this. Speaking from experience, her questions probably don't have anything to do with you. Her spouse should be giving her the answers to her questions.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/31/2013 08:55 AM


The fact that you'd even consider meeting with her, shows what a compassionate person you are. God bless you and your family, I can't imagine how tough this time of year has been for you.

If your friend is willing, ask her to pass along a message to the wife, that you are still deeply sorry and ashamed for your actions, but you have no further information and you respectfully request that she not attempt to contact you ever again.

My guess is, she needs support or a sounding board and has no one to turn to. How would you, and your friend, feel about referring her here to SI?

Brandon808 posted 12/31/2013 09:01 AM

She can get whatever information she needs through your friend as I recall from your previous posts.
So why does she want to meet with you? Now?

Something doesn't feel right. Don't do it.

notquiteoverit posted 12/31/2013 11:19 AM

Yes, please meet with her. When you do, be honest and tell her everything she wants to know. Let her vent if she wants to. In my opinion, this is the least you owe her. If you were the OW, you participated in giving her the pain she feels now. If she needs to talk to you to heal, don't you want to at least allow her this? As far as what good could come of it, you will never know until you do it. And, it should be HER decision as to whether it is a good thing for her to do.

Deeply Scared posted 12/31/2013 11:23 AM

And, it should be HER decision as to whether it is a good thing for her to do.

It's not just up to the BS here. Query has a right to do what's best for her healing as well.

nowiknow23 posted 12/31/2013 11:30 AM

query - You have every right to decline, and I believe that declining would be a good self-care move right now. You seem torn, however. I would ask why that is.

Are you feeling responsible for her healing? Guilt for your past actions? Are you thinking it will help her, or is there some aspect of self-punishment involved?

If it's about helping her heal, there are ways to answer any additional questions she might have without meeting her in person. There's no need to meet in person, and I'm concerned about what kind of impact such a meeting may have on you. It's a potential powder keg, and one without an upside for you as far as I can tell.

Think long and hard about this. And then make choices that are best FOR YOU.

JanaGreen posted 12/31/2013 11:32 AM

I think it would be kind to give her a way to contact you to ask questions, but I wouldn't meet with her in person. It might not be exactly safe.

Aubrie posted 12/31/2013 11:37 AM

I completely understand the need/want for BSs to question the AP. I also know that some BSs would rather kill/maim/cripple the AP than actually question them.

query, it's totally up to you. If you gave everything that you have, you are under no obligation whatsoever, to have any further contact with the BS.

However, like JanaGreen suggested, maybe another line of communication.

Too often than not, "in person" meetings are potentially very dangerous. Especially due to subject matter.

P.S. I'm so sorry about the loss of your twin.

Kelany posted 12/31/2013 11:38 AM

She likely wants to ask more questions, without a middle man. I would offer an email or phone conversation.

notquiteoverit posted 12/31/2013 11:57 AM

I agree with the others that you have a right to decline, and certainly should not put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. That said, I agree with the poster who suggested phone or email, but please do agree to talk to the BS

Deeply Scared - My comment only meant that the BS has a right to decide what is good for the BS.

In my case, I really needed to talk to the OW. I wanted to hear her side of the story (even if it was a lie). Also, I wanted to create some kind of closure or peace between us. The OW refused to answer any of my questions via email, phone or otherwise. I finally confronted her in person at her workplace. At that point, I no longer wanted to ask the questions. She lost the opportunity to "redeem" herself. I will never have even the tiniest bit of respect for her.

If you do this, there is always the chance that the outcome is not good. But, it could also be an opportunity to make amends. A sincer apology, some empathy and the truth can go a long way.

outtanowhere posted 12/31/2013 11:59 AM

I would love to ask some questions too but, I guess I'm going to have to live with the reality that I am never going to be able to track down all of them. All I have is my SAFWH's word which may or may not be accurate which causes me another category of pain. I will always wonder... After a text conversation with one of his OW, I realized that she had no reason to be truthful with me either so I stopped trying.

For you, I can see that there is little to no benefit but, for her it may or not be some kind of closure. It's a tough spot to be in but, if you choose to open yourself up for that I wouldn't meet with her. One possibility is to set up a dummy email for her although it shouldn't be an open door for future contact.

I know I'm in the minority but, as a BS, I would love to have the opportunity of asking a few of the questions I have. Just my feelings in the matter.

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