He now has moved back in with me, and works at some level (meaning not full time) delivering pizzas. I tend to give him gas money, but I'm working on dialing that back to develop some boundaries because, quite honestly, he's not trying all that hard.
It's not like he is incapable of self-motivation. Over the past six months when he moved in and scaled back on working, he works out almost daily and makes healthy smoothies for himself daily. This is especially surprising because he's never been into healthy eating, but is now using kale and spinach in his smoothies.
I am struggling with boundaries and how to implement them. He doesn't care for his car well, and it's older, so it's only a matter of time before he has car issues and needs help with that too.
I currently pay for his cell phone, car insurance, groceries and board. But I'm reaching my breaking point. Any suggestions?
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
You're not doing him any favors, Mom...
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
PLEASE 2x4 me - I truly need it. It's clear what I'm doing is not working.
But then I think "how will he get to work without gas?"
Time to cut the cord (especially since he isn't in school or moving toward something productive)!
We have so many people in our circle, friends and family, who want to help him but he isn't helping himself. I don't seem to be able to explain to him clearly that no one can help him if he won't help himself. PLEASE do not hold back - slam me with specifics if you can. I really need it.
[This message edited by persevere at 12:34 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]
It worked. And I agree, but I have a hard time even considering doing that. That is clearly MY weakness, and I have to figure out how to overcome that and quickly.
Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.
There will need to be milestones.
By the end of 3 months:
She needs to have at least a part time job with a minimum of 25hrs per week. She'll also have to get her cell phone moved to her own plan (and pay her own bill).
By the end of 6 months:
I expect that she'll have a full time job (even if it isn't within her field yet). She will then be require to pay for her own vehicle (or if she doesn't have a car yet, find her own way to work via public transportation). If she has her own vehicle, I'll keep her on my insurance for the remainder of the year, but I expect her to pay her portion. Also, if she's still living with me, she has to pay (discounted) rent.
The goal is to get her as independent as possible in reasonable stages. I also want her to be able to save some money while still at home.
Ideally, I want her independent within 9-12 months of graduating college. If she doesn't meet the milestones, but I see that she's busting her butt to try, I may make allowances, but I won't let her know that up front.
WHY am I having such a hard time developing a plan, which would be more NOW, for my DS19? I guess I need to go with similar but stronger timelines for him now.
ETA - I've done the same for DD21 with regard to debt - she will have very little debt for her degree - some was added after the unexpected divorce due to Dday, but it's far less than it could have been.
[This message edited by persevere at 1:17 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]
You can do it!
Just keep reminding yourself that, ultimately, this is what's best for them. We do them NO favors by not kicking them out of the nest.
We won't be around forever.
I'm watching this thread closely because as the mom of two young adult children I constantly struggle with this. Very different scenarios with each of my kids but still never sure where to cut the cord/bankroll.
Sending strength and love to all of the parents (because we most certainly need it!!!)
Not being mean, but at this stage it's you getting something from this situation that's allowing it to continue.
I read recently that we learn the most from our failures, which is so true, so I need to learn to let him fall.
You said you don't want to see him fail. Why? Do you feel that his failures will reflect poorly on you? Are you trying to protect him from life somehow? Why? Is this situation feeding your mothering need?
Failure is the best teacher in life. Failure teaches us and gives us the confidence to try again.
Look at it this way. You are doing your son a HUGE disservice by not allowing him to make his mistakes, and make his successes, and learn how to be an adult and cope in the adult world.
You are doing your son a HUGE disservice by not allowing him to make his mistakes, and make his successes, and learn how to be an adult and cope in the adult world.