(whereismylove)
Just Found Out is a great forum for you right now....R is a supportive forum, but right now you need to just feel. Don't need any choice-deciding advice....just need to be still and....feel.
Having said that....here is just a small bit of advice....though I want to give lots of advice in hopes of comforting you. But that would be a vane attempt....adultery IS trauma. Right now you just need to assess the WORST damage.
Mrs. Doubtfire is wise....read and re-read her truth filled post.
Here's the pathetic part I miss him and my kids miss him and I don't really want this, who the hell does
Be gentle on yourself. You are NOT pathetic. This is TRAUMATIC. It was FORCED on you by your husband. It is the deepest betrayal one human can do to another....period. Not blakesteeles opinion, it is factual in nature and well studied by pHds. Read 17 infidelity books...you will find so much of your journey is textbook. Doesn't make it any less painful, but you will start to normalize what you are feeling. Normalize, not minimize. That is one of the keys to this.
You may be under the false impression that you and your husband are in this together. I know I was. My wife took her EA to PA level AFTER we were in weekly MC and IC, her sister was her accountability partner, and two close friends who live out of state traveled to support her as she moved away from adultery. I, unfortunately, treated adultery in the same vein as if my wife had a serious illness. I was so not part of a M at that time...my M died when my wife chose to fuck another man. Crass to state this...but adultery is crass.
I say unfortunately....because by MY own choice I subjected myself to more pain...really moving pain into the suffering category. Suffering is pain without any growth potential. And I did that to me. I encourage you to avoid my mistakes.
but I just don't think he will ever change.
This is the traumatic part in full swing.
After 4 months of weekly IC sessions I really started to understand PTSD. I only had PTSD-like symptoms....but one of those symptoms is over-simplifying what the future looks like. Black and white thinking, all good all bad. You are trying to make sense of what he has done, is doing, is capable of doing, etc.. This is normal because your mind is wrestling with the fact that your M and family have been hurt and you are trying to figure out the extent of the threat.
It is tough for your mind to accept that the damage came from the one person on the planet that vowed in front of God to protect and cherish you. You, like I, WANTED to believe your spouse was simply caught up and innocently choose adultery....but NOW the facts are that even when light has been shone on the sin your husband choose to continue his sin, continue to damage you....even after YOU thought this was a team effort.
Right now it is NOT a team effort. It is you protecting yourself and your family from your husband.
In my sitch...my wifes A ended when I brought reality to her fAP front porch late at night. He folded like a cheap card table. This is the type of man my wife choose....continue to choose over me and our family. That was tough to accept.
So much of this is tough to accept.
You don't have to stay M. Even the bible gives one exception to D...and it is in cases of adultery.
But even if you choose D you will have to accept that you just experienced some of the most severe trauma a person can experience within a marriage.
IMPORTANT: You don't have to accept this RIGHT NOW!
Acceptance, like so much of this journey, is not a finite decision....it is a process.
Right now....pay attention to Mrs. Doubtfires post....what she advises to do will help you get to that point where you can tend to yourself....feel what you need to feel...feel what you may not WANT to feel, but you will need to feel it.
It is a good sign that you felt anger already. My co-dependent nature (which I never thought was a part of me...many surprises along this journey) tried to block me from feeling. Took me 2 months post DD to feel anger...then 3 months after that I entered my RAGE phase........
But that story and the wisdom I gained from it is for a later date.
Post often....find members whose sitch is similar to yours and it will help you with this very necessary but very lonely solo start to this long journey.
God be with you both, whereismylove and mr whereismylove.