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User Topic: A Fine Mess I've gotten myself into: Not sure I want to confess
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Stop  Posted: 12:53 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my story: I had an 8 month EA/PA that just ended. My affair was very intense in a short amount of time. He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything. He met me and it made his life more bearable as he didnt want to leave his kids. I thought my marriage was overall pretty good, and told him that several times. He pushed saying if it was good I wouldnt be spending time with him. Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband. We had tried a few months earlier to spice things up but it started to fizzle out again. I think I just wasnt interested in him in that way and it's hard for me to fake it.

So I start an affair with this married man. In the meantime life goes on as normal at home, or so it seemed to my husband. I was going out a lot but always had excuses. I made up friends that he didn't know that I told him I was hanging out with, or said I was going out shopping late at night, which is not unlike me, going out on my own for walks, hikes etc. It was not that hard to be gone and spend time with my AP. We even took a couple of vacations together. My husband thought I was with my new friends.

So eventually it all starts to wear on me and I can't sleep well and know that I can't live parallel lives forever. I start to pick fights at home with my spouse, kids etc. The stress is getting to be too much. I tell my husband that I'm just not happy and need to figure out how to fix that. He seems concerned as he had no idea since I had been going out having fun etc. He wants to help. I tell him I think I need to start going to IC to figure things out. Over the next couple of weeks he is very worried about our marriage as I told him I just wasnt sure what direction our marriage or my life was headed. I might be having a nervous breakdown I just didnt know. He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts. I then wonder why I didnt just keep things cool and have both my lifes back the way it was.

I cant reassure him very well that we are ok because I just didnt know so now we are both sort of a mess. All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured. I get fed up with his lack of emotions and decide to break it off. I am a mess after that and decide I want him back. So we get back together a couple of weeks later and he tells me his wife found out about us and they are getting a divorce. Not what I was expecting.

The AP and I still see each other but it's definitely different. He seems distant and I'm wondering what I'm doing with my double life again. All the while my husband has no idea about the AP. I confront the AP about his lack of emotions with me and tell him I can't handle that. I give so much to him and he can't give me slightest reassurance? I just have been getting way too frustrated with him. He says he doesnt want me to make choices about my marriage with him in mind. They need to be separate from him, which I agree but it's almost impossible, and that he wants to start living a clean life and not sneak around. I am devastated to hear this but know I need to fix my marriage or move on.

So my dilemma is this: I know everyone here always say you have to tell but if I confess my affair to my husband it will destroy him. He was cheated on before and it was devasting. I feel it's my punishment to keep this inside to myself and not put it on him. Ive told him before that if he were to cheat I'd rather not know. Otherwise I feel like it puts the pressure on the spouse to deal with it then. It doesnt seem fair to destroy his life like that. I'm trying to justify not telling him I know.

I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress. She agrees that it would be best not to tell him as it would probably mean a divorce since it would be earth shattering for him.

Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt? If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that? I know I would. I'd rather not know but that's just me. The thing is the affair was very intense and it's not easy to just confess everything. The AP stayed here for a couple of days/nights at one time, I stayed at his house for a couple of days, vacations etc. It doesnt seem like something that can easily be worked through.

I am trying to fix my marriage. Part of me wishes I was caught so I could just get this part over with. Honestly though if I was caught and he asked me I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.

How does a good faithful wife do this to a man that has been nothing but a wonderful husband and dad? My self esteem is shot. I feel horrible all the time and yet I still miss my AP. It has only been just over a week of NC and it's not as hard as it was the first time but again it has only been a week. I'm more mad at him now so it makes it easier. I don't feel I was used though. We both wanted this relationship and he never continued to pursue me when I would start to put the brakes on. He told me he cared enough about me to want me to fix my marriage and he didnt want to destroy my family. Which is what you do when you have affairs so I know it doesnt make sense. We were both selfish and filling a void we had.

I feel like just running away from my problems for awhile but know that's not possible. Just not sure how to take this day by day. I'm an emotional wreck since I don't know how to move forward.

My husband is being so kind to me and giving me the space I need and makes sure I'm taken care of. He is a very giving pleaser type of person. At times I wished he was awful to me so I could try to justify my actions. I feel like I dont deserve someone to be so kind to me, which I don't. Just not sure I want to destroy him and our family by telling.

If I tell him he will never trust me again or may want to read all my emails or IM's with the AP. It would kill him to read them. NOt sure how to proceed.


[This message edited by confused43 at 2:15 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi confused43

Welcome to SI.

You will get excellent advice here.
Some of the time you won't like the advice, that doesn't make it any less valuable.

NOt sure how to proceed.

Well, I think for a start you need to give yourself a dose of reality so you can clear your mind.

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything.

So we get back together a couple of weeks later and he tells me his wife found out about us and they are getting a divorce.

Do you realise the likelihood of any of this being true is next to zero?
Cheating husbands always tell these lies. He lies to his wife, what makes you think he wouldn't lie to you?

All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured.

The AP and I still see each other but it's definitely different. He seems distant and I'm wondering what I'm doing with my double life again. All the while my husband has no idea about the AP. I confront the AP about his lack of emotions with me and tell him I can't handle that. I give so much to him and he can't give me slightest reassurance? I just have been getting way too frustrated with him. He says he doesnt want me to make choices about my marriage with him in mind. They need to be separate from him, which I agree but it's almost impossible, and that he wants to start living a clean life and not sneak around.

Nope, he's not an avoider of emotions, he doesn't lack emotions and he doesn't give a tinker's cuss about your marriage choices, it's just that you are getting all emotional and needy, which is ruining his uncomplicated fuckbuddy on the side scenario.
But I wouldn't worry, he'll soon find someone else who's less work, if he hasn't already.


Others will be along to enlighten you on why you should tell your husband of your cheating.
I've given you enough the think about for the time being.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:35 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Clarrissa
♀ 21886
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you should tell. It would be a first step in owning what you did. Many WS here wished they'd confessed and many were convinced their M would end if they did. Guess what? A lot of them were wrong. It will be your actions that will either save or destroy the M. Yes, it very well could be a dealbreaker but you can't be 100% sure of that. If your Hs first M ended because of infidelity, my bet is it's because his ex was unremorseful and just didn't give enough of a damn to try to fix herself.

Of course, no one can *make* you confess. That choice is entirely yours. But is keeping this secret, keeping your AP worth your mental, emotional and physical health? Keeping this secret is already taking a toll, you've said as much.

You said you love your H, now respect him enough to tell him the truth about the *real* state of the M. Right now he's in the dark and living a lie.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5896 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
AchillesHealed
♀ 41805
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure I'm in the minority on this one, but I would not tell. (I know my own husband would rather be unaware of what I'd done, and your husband sounds like mine). Relieving yourself of your guilt and anguish at his expense is just a continuation of your selfish behavior.

I can't really tell if you're interested in salvaging your marriage, though. Don't stay with your husband because you feel sorry for him--he deserves someone who actually loves him and is engaged in the relationship. But if you really do want to salvage and improve your marriage, maintain strict NC with the AP and get a better IC--two months with no progress isn't a good sign. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Good luck.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2013
Justgreatnews
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:41 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
AchillesHealed
♀ 41805
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, NC gets easier--stick with it. Make lists of his bad attributes. Don't romanticize. Focus on the negativity it brought into your life. Any time you feel the urge to contact, text someone else, or get up and take a walk, or whatever will defuse the urge until it passes. And it WILL pass.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2013
AchillesHealed
♀ 41805
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Mods, I think we have a BS posting in this thread... please remove.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, he's not an avoider of emotions, he doesn't lack emotions and he doesn't give a tinker's cuss about your marriage choices, it's just that you are getting all emotional and needy, which is ruining his uncomplicated fuckbuddy on the side scenario.

^^^^^^^^^ This. Totally this.

He's not reassuring you not because he's emotionally avoiding but because he doesn't want to.

I have so been where you are. The only thing that helped me sustain NC was the tiny ounce of self-respect I had left for myself. I was begging for crumbs and had moved from the fun and happy OW to a needy and demanding one. AP wasn't in it for that.

Think about it.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies.

My therapist also thought he was feeding me a load of lies when my AP would tell me the state of their marriage but she came to realize it was true also since he is now on his own. I believed him and still do. I've witnessed their lack of interaction when I've been on IM with him and his wife walks in. I have been in his house. I have heard them talk on the phone. There was no love, no marriage there. They were their children's parents and not much more. They are getting a divorce and he has moved into a new place. I've been to it. It's all true. NOt everyone lies to get what they want. I don't believe I lied to my AP one bit. I did not need to, it felt good to be in a relationship where I was not lying actually since I was now telling lies in my marriage.

I do believe he was giving me crumbs in the end that is true but I also believe he is unable to feel emotions like other people do. We have talked about it quite a bit early on as it was a problem in his marriage too. He avoids conflict and just puts up walls. He has no courage. I may still be in the fog but honestly I do believe what we shared was real at the time and neither one of us was faking our emotions. We may look back and say wow how could all that happen so fast it must not be real, but at the time we both felt it and I don't believe he was feeding me lies. I honestly dont think he knows how to lie to me so he just avoids. and yes I did get needy because he witheld those emotions from me in the end and I needed to keep hearing them. I kept filling up his tank of emotions and stroking his ego but he just stopped giving me anything back. Part of it is because when his wife found out he had to put all his energy into getting an attorney, finding a place to live, buying everything needed, worrying about his boys, telling his family etc. and while I told him I'd give him his space I also told him he needed to respect me and my time and he failed to do that. It all became about him and I helped him through the transition and he just wanted to keep taking from me without filling me emotionally with what I needed. Enough about him.

I feel like achilleshealed said that it's just another selfish thing to do by putting my guilt on my husband to deal with if I confess. Regardless I'm not going to do anything right now. I need to sort out the state of my mind first and honestly if I can fix this and get back to be the person I want then I see no reason to tell him and set us back into a downward spiral. I've been reading on here a lot and what I see is a lot of bad stuff taking years or more to try to heal. That scares me. Not sure I have it in me to willingly put my marriage through that. Should have thought about that before I started the affair I know but I was selfish and stupid.

I'm a cake eater right, so why wouldn't I want to avoid those hurt feelings and go right to the good stuff if I can.

I need to find a way within myself to want this marriage to last though. I do struggle with that because I feel guilty about what I did and also question whether I can ever feel for my husband the passion and excitement I felt for the AP. My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it's not enough for me...I want the passion and it's not there for me and hasn't been for a long time.

Right now I'm trying to just let time go by and see how things look as I separate myself further from the AP.

My brain knows my marriage is worth fighting for I just need to tell my heart that and right now they are not seeing the same picture.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
AchillesHealed
♀ 41805
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you start seeing a good therapist, and REALLY dig into why and how you became so broken, and REALLY do the work on changing, you won't be "getting right to the good stuff." It's immensely painful to honestly examine the mess you've made of your life and figure out how to fix it. Even if you don't tell your husband about the affair, be honest with him about the fact that you're unhappy and something needs to change, one way or another. Make it clear that this unhappiness is a result of your own unresolved issues.

As I maintained NC and focused on my marriage, my passion for my husband returned in full force (and we've been together for 20 years, so I know the struggle in that). Whatever you felt/feel for your AP, at least part of it has to do with the fact that he's something new and strange and unexplored. In time, that would've faded too.

If you do the work on yourself and still decide you're unhappy, then do the honorable thing and end your marriage. Your husband deserves both your brain and your heart.

[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 10:28 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything.
If I had a nickle for every time I've heard that line, I'd be sitting pretty right now. Honey, he drove you into Crazyland aboard the Loco Express.

He met me and it made his life more bearable as he didnt want to leave his kids.
Yep. Heard that one too.

I thought my marriage was overall pretty good, and told him that several times. He pushed saying if it was good I wouldnt be spending time with him.
Deja vu. Heard that one too.

Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband.
Yeah, I was happy in my marriage too till my AP told me if I was happy, I wouldn't be cheating. And I too started "digging deeper" with his leadership. Amazing the crazy things we discover "wrong" with our marriages with the help of our lying, cheating affair partners who don't really have our best interests at heart.

Gee confused43, we catching a theme here?

He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.
But...isn't that what you wanted confused43? Someone who fawned over you? Someone with "passion" for the relationship? He was trying. And you still pushed him away. There isn't anything wrong with him. It's you.

All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured.
But....I thought you were having so much fun with him and that he gave you all the "passion" you wanted? Now you aren't happy. It isn't him confused43. It's you.

I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress.
Then you need a new IC. Cannot tell you how many times I've seen people posting and they have a crap IC. Shop around. Find one that is experienced specifically in infidelity.

Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt?
Nope. I vowed to honor and cherish my husband. I broke that vow. He had every right to know what I'd done. He had every right to know that I had injected another man into our relationship. And he had every right to make decisions about his own life, based on the facts that I'd given him.

If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that?
Impossible. I was lying and cheating to my husband. I could never have lived an authentic, honest life without cluing him in on what was going on under his nose.

I'd rather not know but that's just me.
You're right. That is just you. You cannot project your own feelings onto your husband. It's a terrible disservice to him. He's a grown adult. He can make his own choices. For you to do it for him? That's wrong.

I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.
Again with the projection. You don't know how he would react. All you can do is guess and project.

I feel like just running away from my problems for awhile but know that's not possible.
Truth. Because the problem is you. You are the common denominator. You aren't happy with your husband. You aren't happy with your AP. You aren't happy in Fantasy Land. Why is that confused43? Because it's you.

I've witnessed their lack of interaction when I've been on IM with him and his wife walks in. I have been in his house. I have heard them talk on the phone. There was no love, no marriage there.
And yet with all this "insight", you're still clueless about their marriage. Unless you have LIVED IN THE HOME on a daily basis, unless you are privy to every single facet of their lives, you have nothing to go off of but the lies and lines he's fed you.

You were on IM with him when his wife walked in? Yeah, if my husband walked in on me IMing the AP, I would hazard a guess that he wouldn't be all cuddly with me either. I would guess that if the AP was in our home, my husband wouldn't be fawning over me either. Duh. You were another woman in their home, taking moments of time from them, communicating with her husband. Of course she wasn't warm and fuzzy with him.

Was their marriage over? Maaaaaaybe. Possibly. But YOU KILLED it. You put the bullet in the heart of it.

I do believe he was giving me crumbs in the end that is true but I also believe he is unable to feel emotions like other people do. We have talked about it quite a bit early on as it was a problem in his marriage too. He avoids conflict and just puts up walls. He has no courage.
Sooo....all that ^^^^ is the "passion" you speak of? Lord confused43, your definition of passion leaves much to be desired. That stuff ^^^^ made you realize your marriage lacked passion? For real? Your "relationship" with the AP sounds like a death sentence.

I feel like achilleshealed said that it's just another selfish thing to do by putting my guilt on my husband to deal with if I confess.
That is a total cop-out. Total. It's not about the guilt. It's about giving him the information he needs to make educated choices about his own life.

Jesus H. Christ people. How would you feel if you went to the doctor and they ran a panel of tests on you. They don't tell you they're also screening for cancer. Which they find. But they don't tell you. All they say is that you need treatment for "something", but it's "Really no big deal, they're just figuring some stuff out. Don't stress. It's just a "phase" in your life". And they start treatments to get the cancer out. Your hair starts falling out by the handfuls, you're deathly ill, you can't eat, everything you do eat comes right back up, you're body is weak, you can barely move. You ask the doctor, "What is wrong with me!?" They say, "Oh it's nothing. Just trying to work thru some things. No big deal. Don't worry. It's just in your head." Treatment continues. And all the while, you're completely clueless.

Sound crazy? Maybe. But it's what you're doing to your husband. You are making vital choices about his life for him without his knowledge. His marriage is dead in the water, and you are trying to "fix" it, and he's clueless. How right is that!?

I need to find a way within myself to want this marriage to last though. I do struggle with that because I feel guilty about what I did and also question whether I can ever feel for my husband the passion and excitement I felt for the AP. My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it's not enough for me...I want the passion and it's not there for me and hasn't been for a long time.
No, you need to look within yourself and find out what is so broken that no relationship is ever good enough for you. Your marriage wasn't good enough for you, your AP isn't good enough for you. You're never happy. Why is that? Look INSIDE YOURSELF. Why did you cheat? why did you look outside the marriage. I'm not talking about the fluffy psychological "digging" the AP made you do. I'm talking for real. Why cheat. The answers are within you. And it doesn't matter what relationship you have in life, it will never be enough till you learn to fill the Black Hole that is your soul.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading on here a lot and what I see is a lot of bad stuff taking years or more to try to heal. That scares me. Not sure I have it in me to willingly put my marriage through that.

What's the alternative? Get divorced? Think about telling your 5-year-old that mommy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore. Would you rather put yourselves, all of you, including your extended families, through that?

My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it's not enough for me...I want the passion and it's not there for me and hasn't been for a long time.

Your therapist has explained to you that the "passion" you felt from your affair is merely a brain chemical high, right? A very addictive, intoxicating chemical from which it can be incredibly hard to detox. You have a choice to make now, confused43. Stay with this "great man" and fix your brokenness, give your children a chance at a stable, intact home life...or chase the high. Learn to love and accept yourself so you can be open to love and affection from your BH, and become a devoted wife and mother again...or throw it all away so you can be a junkie.

He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.

Just. Wow. Honestly I haven't seen a new Wayward member here at SI with her head this far up her ass since, oh gosh, what was her name? 20...something. (Just to be clear, I mean me.)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the alternative? Get divorced? Think about telling your 5-year-old that mommy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore. Would you rather put yourselves, all of you, including your extended families, through that?
The alternative right now is to not tell daddy so that mommy can try to get her shit together and not destroy them all. And if I struggle then i will have to figure out my next step or decide to seek marriage counseling in addition to IC and figure out what steps I need to be happy and make my family happy too. Honestly from reading on here I do not have the impression that telling our spouses is really making everyone happier in the long run. Yes the truth can set you free and I think that I will probably end up headed that route because the guilt will eat at me but I think it's different for everyone. not confessing right now means putting my family first to me. Believe me it would be nice to not be carrying this around but I hope that it lessens with time.
Your therapist has explained to you that the "passion" you felt from your affair is merely a brain chemical high, right? A very addictive, intoxicating chemical from which it can be incredibly hard to detox. You have a choice to make now, confused43. Stay with this "great man" and fix your brokenness, give your children a chance at a stable, intact home life...or chase the high. Learn to love and accept yourself so you can be open to love and affection from your BH, and become a devoted wife and mother again...or throw it all away so you can be a junkie.
Yes she explained all of that. I am still trying to process it all to be honest. I know that it's all true just need to get to the point where I dont need the high to sustain myself during a day.
He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.)

Just. Wow. Honestly I haven't seen a new Wayward member here at SI with her head this far up her ass since, oh gosh, what was her name? 20...something. (Just to be clear, I mean me.
Thank you for the smile this brought to me : ) Yes I know it's messed up. Only a WS would understand this, yes we want the attention and love but it's not always from our husbands that we want it. I'm working on that. So when I say it's driving me nuts it is, but it's getting better because I did tell him to back off a bit. He was so worried about my state of mind and knowing that I was concerned about the state of marriage, unhappy about the lack of passion, that he came on too strong. Constantly wanting to be huggy and clingy, and have sex. Yes it's what I want but I am still wanting it with someone else right now and so it's a process and if he surrounds me it will drive me further away.

Thank you for your comments 20wrongs. I know I am messed up but I am trying to start my path to healing.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
kmom2662
♀ 41494
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused--
Yes, you have to tell him. The affair was the worst choice i have ever made in my life. The second worst was trying to hide as much as i could of the details. My H has said many times how much better it would have been if i would have come clean all at once. Uncovering more information piece by piece added a whole new layer of damage. He is very likely to find out about the A one way or another, and you will really regret not telling him. Confessing will be really, really bad, but not confessing will be worse.
And as far as NC, make it absolute. Make sure your H has all of your passwords and account info. It will keep you honest when the cravings are bad. I made an offer to H to keylog me, and not tell me if he does, so that i never feel like i can do anything in secret. It helps strengthen my resolve.
Tell him, and good luck


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Clarrissa
♀ 21886
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must say your username fits, confused.

Now, let me ask you a couple questions. How is it fair to anyone, especially your H, to be treated like a child? You saying he isn't mature enough to handle the truth, so you'll "protect" him by keeping it from him. Bullshit. You're not protecting him, you're covering your own ass.

Second, how would *you* feel being someone's Plan B? Because that's what your BH is to you. A soft place to land when a relationship doesn't work for you.

You're still being selfish, not telling because it will adversely affect *you*, not because you're worried about the kids or how it will affect your BH. You don't want to put in the hard work you know you'll have to do to repair the damage you're still doing. You're taking the easy way out and justifying it under the guise of "protecting" your family.

I know I sound harsh but you need a swift kick in the ass. And if you've read at any length on the WS forum you know that we FWS have no hesitation in doing that if we feel it necessary. I think it's necessary in your case. You keep coming up with reasons to keep this to yourself and all we FWS see is justifications and you wanting to keep eating cake. We see the massive disrespect to your BH because you don't want to own what you're doing and do the work to fix your M and yourself.

You're still in the A and I for one don't see you doing anything to end it. No, you may not still be in contact with your AP but you've more or less admitted that you'll be right back in it if your AP shows interest.

So, wake up and smell the coffee. You're hurting *everyone* by keeping it to yourself and what's really sad is your BH and kids don't have a clue *why*.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5896 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
lostmylight55
♂ 33517
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO WS and AP are mirror images of each other's most negative traits, they amplify them. You and your AP are no different. You are BOTH selfish, liars, hypocrites, emotionally distant and conflict avoidant (another word for that is coward). I could sit here and pick apart a bunch of your quotes to back this up but I still don't think you would see it and it's possible you are so self-obsessed/absorbed right now you probably don't care. I know this because I had every one of those traits too and they are easy to spot once you've been there. I'm proud to no longer be a liar, hypocrite and coward. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to get here. There are no quick fixes, no free passes.


Your BH deserves to know exactly the type of person he is married to so he can decide if he wants to continue the marriage or not. By not confessing you are controlling. That way you can get the outcome that you want when you want it. I was controlling too. The reason I started to change was because I saw the pain in my BS face when I confessed. If I hadn't confessed, I doubt I would have changed. I needed to see and feel the full effects of the shit I created. I needed to get humble. You are a long way from humble.


So while I confessed for selfish reasons, it would have been selfish trying to continue to manipulate my M from the inside out. I did that for a long time even after I confessed. Now my BS and I have a M that is IMO incredible and passionate and real because I'm real. It's been hard work, but worth it.


Personally, I don't see how you can have integrity for yourself and intimacy in your M without confessing. You will always be living a lie.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Oct 2011
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, I hope your intentions are in the right spot and you are trying to help me, a new SI member, but I must tell you that you seem very unhappy and bitter. I know I have made bad choices for me and my family but if confessing means I will feel like you seem, then I don't want that because your emotions are not where I aim to be.

Your analogy is ridiculous to me. I could understand if I knowingly gave him AIDS that I would need to tell him but comparing it to cancer? Please!

and you don't know my relations with the AP, you can make assumptions because you've been through this and read a ton on here but not everyone fits in a box. I did not KILL their marriage. I know this. When she found out she didn't make a big deal about it and after confronting him it was not brought up again. She was looking for an out too and neither of them had the courage to do it, so yes I gave her the courage basically. I feel badly that I played a part in it but in no way do I feel I destroyed their marriage. They did MC and stuff prior to him meeting me but they both gave up. They would probably have been divorced already if it wasnt for me keeping him happy for so long. So maybe get mad at me for stopping their divorce which was inevitable. There are always 2 sides.

You are right my AP is not good enough for me. In the beginning while we were getting to know one another he didnt have his walls up, he couldn't or I would have run. I didn't know his walls until they started showing up. By then I was already interested and it was much harder to run. I foolishly thought I could "fix" him. Not really but in the sense that if I could make him feel important and loved that he wouldn't have to put up so many barriers with our relationship. Guess what? I was wrong. The walls slowly crept up and I couldn't scale them alone. He is the poster child for emotionally unavailable but does that mean he is not capable of love? Absolutely not. but with my type of needing assurance it is a recipe for disaster unless both parties are willing to work on it. I don't want to take the time to make excuses or defend him but everything he said has been proven true. and like I said, I never once lied to him. I had no reason to. If I was going to be so caught up with our relationship I wanted it to be for real and not based on lies and so did he.

No, you need to look within yourself and find out what is so broken that no relationship is ever good enough for you. Your marriage wasn't good enough for you, your AP isn't good enough for you. You're never happy. Why is that? Look INSIDE YOURSELF. Why did you cheat? why did you look outside the marriage. I'm not talking about the fluffy psychological "digging" the AP made you do. I'm talking for real. Why cheat. The answers are within you. And it doesn't matter what relationship you have in life, it will never be enough till you learn to fill the Black Hole that is your soul.
I would agree with this statement mostly. I do need to figure it out. That's why I started IC and came to SI. I want to be a cake eater in a sense. I want the strong loving marriage - that sounds like a cake eater to me. I want it all but I didnt have it and looked outside which was wrong. I know friends with amazing loving marriages that hold hands and are loving to each other whenever I see them, that's after being married 15+ years. I want that and I could be that person too but I want to want it with my husband and right now it's hard to feel it, but I am working on getting there. To me I'd say if you are married and still want to be married to that person then you have your cake and can eat it too! cake eater, just a different way of looking at it. It doesnt mean you have to have 2 cakes is all : )

So enough of my rants, I really am here to seek help and advice. I'm not saying you can't get mad at me or you need to make it sound all flowery, I'm just saying that you aren't always right, no one is and everyone situation is different. I have no reason to lie to any of you either, I am here to help get myself out of the mess I created with the least amount of damage to others while still working towards true happiness for my spouse and I whether together or separate. I do appreciate anyone taking the time to offer any advice they may have, even if I don't agree with it and get defensive. No one knows of my affair except my therapist. So it's hard to keep it all inside and I want to be able to come here and find support from those that have been in my shoes.

and yes I will probably contradict myself several times in my posts, not on purpose but because as you can imagine I am on a roller coaster and my emotions do change but I don't need anyone to keep pointing out my flaws or try to prove me a lair. I am here for help and support and you can be rough with me but don't be so horribly mean that I just decide to go elsewhere for support. I am just starting this process so what is so clear to you is only just starting to focus for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
♀ 41802
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it fair to anyone, especially your H, to be treated like a child? You saying he isn't mature enough to handle the truth, so you'll "protect" him by keeping it from him. Bullshit. You're not protecting him, you're covering your own ass.
Yes partly true.
Second, how would *you* feel being someone's Plan B? Because that's what your BH is to you. A soft place to land when a relationship doesn't work for you.
This is true and I know for a fact he does not want me to be with him because he is plan B.

You're still being selfish, not telling because it will adversely affect *you*, not because you're worried about the kids or how it will affect your BH. You don't want to put in the hard work you know you'll have to do to repair the damage you're still doing. You're taking the easy way out and justifying it under the guise of "protecting" your family.
Partly true. I am really afraid of hurting my husband so badly that he will never recover. I know I should let him decide that but I do know how he felt before when he was cheated on. and while it may seem easier not to tell the guilt will end up killing me so I will probably end up telling.

I know I sound harsh but you need a swift kick in the ass. And if you've read at any length on the WS forum you know that we FWS have no hesitation in doing that if we feel it necessary. I think it's necessary in your case. You keep coming up with reasons to keep this to yourself and all we FWS see is justifications and you wanting to keep eating cake. We see the massive disrespect to your BH because you don't want to own what you're doing and do the work to fix your M and yourself.
I am worried about the amount of work to fix it. That's true. If he knew the entire truth as to my relationship with AP I'm 95% sure he'd want nothing to do with me. So that's where I struggle. I'm ok getting a harsh dose from anyone but just know I'm at the beginning of healing here.

You're still in the A and I for one don't see you doing anything to end it. No, you may not still be in contact with your AP but you've more or less admitted that you'll be right back in it if your AP shows interest.
Not sure about this. It hasn't been enough time away. I'd hope that I wouldn't be right back in it but honestly I can't answer that for sure right now. Still feeling exhausted from so many emotions.

So, wake up and smell the coffee. You're hurting *everyone* by keeping it to yourself and what's really sad is your BH and kids don't have a clue *why*.
My BH and kids aren't hurting yet but they will be and that is what is my hardest part to figure out.

When I put out an update in a month saying I took everyones advice, told my husband everything, and he kicked my butt out, told all my friends and family what I did and wants nothing to do with me I'm not sure I will be thinking you gave me great advice. So for that I am trying to protect me and my family. Of course it could have a totally different outcome but right now I only see it the first way, that is why I need more time. Yes I realize I should give him that choice as I am now making it for him but I'm just not ready.

thank you for your response though. I do appreciate it. I probably need to spend less time reading and responding and more time with my family. That is what I'm going to do now. I do appreciate you all taking the time to help me see the light, even if my shades are still dark.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The alternative right now is to not tell daddy so that mommy can try to get her shit together and not destroy them all.

You're missing the point. You have already destroyed them all, they just don't know it.
Until they do know it and mommy faces the consequences, mommy isn't going to get her shit together.

Part of it is because when his wife found out he had to put all his energy into getting an attorney, finding a place to live, buying everything needed, worrying about his boys, telling his family etc.

They are getting a divorce and he has moved into a new place. I've been to it.

When she found out she didn't make a big deal about it and after confronting him it was not brought up again. She was looking for an out too and neither of them had the courage to do it,

So he says. Unless you have discussed all of this with his wife, you really have no idea what is the truth.

I don't know whether you're naive or delusional.

This a ploy to set up a love nest for his next fuckbuddy and get rid of the current needy fuckbuddy.


Here's something to wrap your head around.

Cause and Effect.

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage

and

Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband.


Which came first the bad marriage or the mindset of a cheater?

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 1:15 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope your intentions are in the right spot and you are trying to help me, a new SI member,
Do you realize you posted with a stop sign? You know what that means? It means only waywards can post to you. I'm a FWW. I have been where you are.

I don't come to SI to "bash" newbies. If I did, I would be banned as it is considered bullying. I post because I care about you. Even if you don't think so.

I must tell you that you seem very unhappy and bitter.
Then you don't know me very well at all.

if confessing means I will feel like you seem, then I don't want that because your emotions are not where I aim to be.
You don't have a clue where my emotions are. You don't know me. You are assuming. So you have no real idea where I'm at.

Your analogy is ridiculous to me. I could understand if I knowingly gave him AIDS that I would need to tell him but comparing it to cancer? Please!
You're missing the point entirely.

I'm not saying you can't get mad at me or you need to make it sound all flowery, I'm just saying that you aren't always right, no one is and everyone situation is different.
I'm not mad in the least. If you think that, you're wrong. You are right about one thing tho. I'm not going to speak flowery. Affairs are never good. Ever. Affairs destroy. I don't speak flowery about them. I never claimed to be "right" nor did I ever state that every situation is the same. Your statements are based upon your assumption of my thoughts alone.

I do not for a second think that you confused43, have found the mythical unicorn of awesomeness that every wayward in this forum sought. Your affair is not special. Your AP is not special. You are a real life, human fleshlight jerk off toy for your AP. That's all you are to him. Hurts? Yeah. But it's the truth. People have affairs to use one another in an effort to make themselves feel better. That's how these things work.

The AP? Whoooooo cares about him now. After all, he really has nothing to do with your crap choices. Those are yours alone. Your choice to cheat has nothing to do with him. He just had a convenient, unfaithful cock. He could have been anyone. What matters is your choices and your decisions.

I will probably contradict myself several times in my posts, not on purpose but because as you can imagine I am on a roller coaster and my emotions do change but I don't need anyone to keep pointing out my flaws or try to prove me a lair. I am here for help and support and you can be rough with me but don't be so horribly mean that I just decide to go elsewhere for support.
If you think that anyone here is going to pat you on the head and say "Poor wittle confused43. Honey you cake eat all you want. We'll support you." you're going to be gravely mistaken. Pointing out your flawed thinking is what the waywards here do. They are called 2x4s. And as much as they hurt, they are given to you in a spirit of care and love. Because yes, the waywards here care about you and where you end up. They will call you on your crap, and catch you in your lies. Because after all, we were in the same place before. We see it a mile off.

I understand the roller coaster. I understand the anger when people point out my flaws. I understand the feeling of "people are so mean to me!". And I came to understand that all those things I thought, they were wrong. Because I wasn't the mythical, special unicorn. Just like you aren't.

I hope you can drop your walls enough to know that we post to you because we care about you and we want to help you. Believe me, I have other things I could do with my time. But I come to SI to help and talk to other waywards. Because everyone should be healthy and make good choices.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:08 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

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