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How do you get through this?

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Unagie posted 12/31/2013 01:53 AM

How? I think I'm okay that I've faced part of it down and have accepted what I did and boom it comes back weeks later and I'm a mess again. Why can't I fucking heal even a little bit. I feel numb, dead, like I'm just going through the actions because I know if I take the easy way out I will do no jstice to myself and will devastate my family but there are times I know if they weren't there I would have been gone many times over. That sounds weak and maybe it is but there is only so much a person can take before they crack. Some times I want to change my name and move far away and create a new life where no one knows me and I know no one. I just want a fresh start. Deep down I like who I am now I love her and the fact that she is honest, the fact that she has boundaries. I hate the fact that there are details xSO still doesn't know. Not any new OM or anything but details about the A's he is aware of. Things I remembered after he told me to stop telling him any more. Things I have volunteered and he has said no to. How do I get past that? How do I stop feeling shitty and start really healing?

standinghere posted 12/31/2013 04:18 AM

Work with IC to understand and accept the "old you" and what that person did.

Work to reach that deep understanding, not the superficial one that you get when you know the answers, but the one that comes when you feel the answers.

If you work at it, some day you will probably be able to forgive yourself.

Deep down I like who I am now I love her and the fact that she is honest, the fact that she has boundaries.

Learn to love the old person, not for what she did wrong, but for the simple reason that even she, flawed and imperfect as she was, deserved to be loved and understood.

RightTrack posted 1/1/2014 09:44 AM

Write down the details. Put them aside and tell BS where they are if ever he wants them. Maybe include a heartfelt page about how you feel NOW about all of it and about your BS.

What's "the easy way out"? That concerns me, and I'm someone you have never met but I can honestly say that your insight, your concerns, your desire to change your future for the better have given me so much hope in my own relationship. You have a lot of wonderful qualities! Don't sell yourself short.

Is there any way you can make a fresh start in place? Dedicate the next year of your life to making daily life easier for BS, and pat yourself on the back when you see that happen.

Unagie, I wish you a great 2014. A new year can be a fresh start as well.

longroadhome posted 1/1/2014 10:56 AM

I want to change my name and move far away and create a new life where no one knows me and I know no one.

You will never be abke to escape yourself. I can totally relate."Starting over" was one of my coping mechanisms. It never works in the long term. No matter where I went or what I did, I still had to live with me every day. Its still a work in progress. Probably always will be.

You have to know that you'll be OK. Just addressing these feelings proves that you're on you way to a better place. Sure, it sucks, but its part of the deal.

Hang in there. You WILL come out the other side of this.

Unagie posted 1/1/2014 19:47 PM

Thank you all of you for this. These past few months have been hell, fucking year 2 I guess I didn't get the fucked up year it would be.

What's "the easy way out"?

Its exactly what you think it is suicide to be blunt. I thought that was another thought process I'd beaten but the idea creeps in when I'm in the most pain. I know its a bad and horrible idea but just being honest about where my mind goes sometimes. It won't happen, I really do love myself, sometimes its just hard to live with all of me.

RightTrack posted 1/5/2014 23:57 PM

That's what I was afraid of. Unagie, realize how much insight you give to others here. Your family needs you. The real easy way out is to vow to live honestly from here on out, no matter what comes of it. Hang in there, you have a lot of people rooting for you.

Brandon808 posted 1/6/2014 00:30 AM

It won't happen, I really do love myself, sometimes its just hard to live with all of me.
You're not alone in those kind of thoughts. The good clearly outweighs whatever "bad" you think there is, so you owe it to yourself to keep on keeping on.

Unagie posted 1/6/2014 03:35 AM

Righttrack and Brandon, thank you. I'll keep on going and figuring out myself. I'm not going to give in to those thoughts. Honestly if I didn't do it when I was fetal position, holding a full ottle of painkillers after he told me he'd been in love with someone else 8 years ago (pretty sure he has loved her on some level the whole time) then I'm not going to do it now. Sometimes its all just unbearable. I've thrown myself into work though and a promotion is probably forthcoming so some good has come.

SlowUptake posted 1/6/2014 04:05 AM

Deep down I like who I am now I love her and the fact that she is honest, the fact that she has boundaries

You know what? We all love her too, for the same reasons.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:05 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

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