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What the F is wrong with me??

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soveryweary posted 12/31/2013 09:00 AM

My court date to finalize the divorce is Friday.
Up until December 19th, which was my last day of work until Jan. 6, I was doing quite well.
Since December 19, I have been in complete and utter despair.
I can't stop thinking about everything, and I mean everything he put me through. I agonize over it all.
I got myself in to the Dr. to go back on meds when I could barely get myself out of bed to go to the gym. Working out was my lifeline. Now I go and can't wait to get it done.
I have multiple offers to go out tonight from dear friends. I just don't know if I can do it.
Every time I am out with friends or family, it feels so surreal, and I am crawling out of my skin.
I am so lonely, my dear daughter stayed in the house with him. I had to move out, I couldn't afford it. I am renting a condo for now, but don't know what the hell I am going to be able to afford.
My daughter invited me over tonight, said he is going to be gone. It just galls me that he can go on and live a happy life. I will hate him forever for that.
Sorry, sorry to be such a downer. I just am beside myself. There truly is a hell on earth.

ruby44 posted 12/31/2013 09:06 AM

Nothing is wrong with you. You are in mourning over what is lost. This holiday today is such a bad day for most of us tossed into this abyss that we can barely hold on. But, I would tell you to spend NYE with your daughter, NOT at the house you once shared but have her come to your condo. Do not go back to the memories but start new ones.
Hugs to you my friend and strength for you on Friday. I am just a few months behind you and never thought I would ever be here.

soveryweary posted 12/31/2013 09:10 AM

Thank you ruby. Hugs right back to you.
One minute at a time, right?

WeepingBuddhist posted 12/31/2013 09:25 AM

I don't know if I would got to your old house tonight. You don't have to do anything!!!

Lola7 posted 12/31/2013 09:26 AM

What you are feeling is normal. I'm sure when I get my final divorce date, and as it gets closer and closer, I'll backslide too.

It's a loss and a huge adjustment and that's scary. I know exactly how you feel. It's normal to mourn.

But once it's finally done, think how much relief you will feel to be free of all of it. And don't be so hard on yourself. Look at everything with clarity and be nice to yourself. If you don't feel like going out, don't. Get a snuggly blanket and hold down the couch for the night.

You'll be fine. Believe it. (((soveryweary)))

soveryweary posted 12/31/2013 09:42 AM

thank you!! I'm not going to go anywhere tonight. I just can't. I'll probably be all over this board tonight. Why oh why can't I just get over it already? I have been through so much that was not affair related and held up so well.
And my DD, I love her so much. She has been through hell and back with health issues and continues to battle every day. And he leaves her all the time. Not that she has to be watched like a hawk, she is an adult, but I think that has a lot to do with it. I'm not there to make sure she is all right. I don't have anyone to mother anymore, and there is nobody who cares if I come home or not. Nobody I have to answer to. I just wish that empowered me.
Maybe, just maybe once the divorce is final,I will be strong.

WeepingBuddhist posted 12/31/2013 10:53 AM

Sovery, you already ARE strong! You maybe don't feel it or perhaps you're not as strong as you'd like to be or god forbid, think you SHOULD be, but you are here on this planet at this particular moment and THAT is proof you are strong.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/31/2013 11:51 AM

(((Sovery)))) I am sorry you are grieving. Please really feel those feelings and give your time to work through it all.

I know this doesn't help right now, but remember this too shall pass.

gypsybird87 posted 12/31/2013 12:17 PM

((soveryweary))

This is such a brutal time of year to be alone. I'm struggling, so many here are struggling, right along with you.

Why oh why can't I just get over it already?

Please give yourself more credit than this. There is nothing wrong with you! Infidelity followed by divorce isn't an obstacle you can just climb over by applying enough effort. Its a wound that takes time and lots of self-care to heal.

Just know that you possess within you everything you need to get through this: the courage, the strength, the good loving heart that got bruised but didn't quit beating. You WILL get through this!

I agree with the poster who said going to your old house might not be a good idea. Since you've decided to stay in, and it sounds like your DD won't be spending it with her dad, can she come over and hang out with you? Rent some movies and treat yourselves to something delicious to eat.

Make it a great night, and a fresh start for 2014.

WE ARE ALL GONNA MAKE IT!

tryingagain74 posted 12/31/2013 12:51 PM

*waving to you from my couch*

My NYE will consist of the following (oh, and I'm sick with a cold, which makes it all the more glamorous):

Drop kids at Z-Man's house so they can make more forced Hallmark memories.

Run a few really boring errands.

Go see a movie by myself (a comedy, and I'm bringing Raisinets, so I'm actually looking forward to it).

Come home and have soup and crackers for dinner. That's clearly far more sophisticated than the surf and turf and champagne that others will have to celebrate the new year!

Grade papers until I pass out. Literally. I might stop now and again to check in here and to work on a giant crossword puzzle.

So, you're not alone tonight, and there is NOTHING wrong with you. I was having a unexpectedly bad night myself a few nights ago. Nothing says "Have a good cry" more than watching a slideshow of photos I've taken of my kids over the past couple of years and wondering how it was that I could have married someone so selfish and horrid that would not only do this to me but to OUR KIDS. I look at their little faces every day, and I think, how could you want to deliberately hurt THEM?

But I digress. We're all going to have our slumps. I'm hoping that, ten years from now, I really won't be crying anymore. But at this point? I'm barely two years out from DDay, seven months from the D being finalized. It's early days yet and totally normal to feel like this is hell on earth.

(((soveryweary)))

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