We cut his mother off 4 months ago....just 2 months after D-day.
This is an excellent book. Being married to a MEM is incredibly painful :(
[This message edited by datura222 at 1:13 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]
My MIL reached out to me about the situation and I became the enemy now. It came down to, after all this time, I cut all HIS family (father and sisters and their families) out of mine and my childrens lives pulled a 180 one him. Even spoke to a lawyer and arranged to have a consult fee available for my MIL and her daughter if she so chooses. I may be wrong, but I tried to let her know that she isn't wrong, she isn't crazy, and she isn't alone. I truly wish someone would have been there for me when I found out WH A's, lies, and porn use. Instead, his FATHER just counciled WH on how to lie, rugsweep, and gaslight. Its clear now. Only took 10 years to come into focus. So much FOO issues and cheating behind my back and upon finding out I'M THE A**HOLE!
Soar subject for me, but I'll have to research this more. I honestly thought WH behavior was mostly from abuse and neglect as a child. Maybe it is, but I've had 20 years and a belly full of this dysfunction and I just don't think I have it in my to do much more than just divorce and start over.
KatyDo thank you for the book reference. I'll check it out.
My MIL has caused an incredible amount of damage in our marriage, both directly and indirectly through this MEM stuff too. She's textbook.
The good thing now is my husband recognizes all of it. How she operates, the use of guilt and manipulation. The whole bit. She no longer has power over him.
My H used to pick a fight with me in the car every time we headed to his parents house, particularly on holidays. We would all arrive stressed out so I could look like the bitch and the kids would look like a mess. If I pointed it out I was told I was paranoid and crazy. I was always the third wheel. The worst part of it, they worked together in a family company. Everyday she had his ear to fill it with what a pathetic wife I was. He came home everyday angry with me. I could never measure up to my MIL and their perfect relationship. She encouraged him to live a freewheeling life while I wanted him to be with me and the kids. That made me the suffocating control freak who made his life miserable.
That was 20 years ago and like I said, I thought we had dealt with most of the issues. Then, three years ago, my MIL died suddenly. I did not think he was dealing with his grief, but I let him stay quiet about it. That is when he started his A. The real love of his life was gone, so he was free to find a replacement. Never mind I was still here, but his real emotional wife was dead. The MC told us 20 years ago that the emotional incest was very destructive to any normal relationship.
I wish I had known this 35 years earlier. I would have run as fast as I could. The sad thing is, the very qualities that I saw in H that I thought were good nearly destroyed me. He never talked badly about his mother, he was kind to her, he put her comfort above his, etc. I admired him for being so good to her. You know the saying...see how he treats his mother to see how he treats women....What a fool I was.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
She used to make him rub her feet in front of me, she would take him as a teen to get facials and haircuts together. She would make him accompany her to plays at the local theater. She treated him like a king, bought him anything he wanted and doted on him hand and foot.
I could never compare. She was always the perfect martyr. Oddly enough, she was emotionally vacant, and could never speak of emotions...hence H adopted this trait, which we are working on now.
When she would make abusive comments to me, he would actually NOT believe me and think I was lying. She mentioned that we should abort the first year of our marriage, that he never should have married me, that I was lazy etc etc...the list extends to hundreds of toxic actions and comments.
She tried to take over my role as mother with my first born son. She would drop by endlessly, buy my son gifts which were excessive and mistakenly call herself "mommy". My son finally stopped getting her confused with me and calling her "mommy" by mistake when he turned 4.
My H and I met young...she was the boss...that dynamic continued until I started getting sick of it about 7 years ago (we have been together for 20). My spine finally started growing....
Just this past year, when the shit hit the fan, and our d-days were revealed, it was through counseling that we realized that the root of his inability to put me and our marriage first was because he was in essence "married to his mother".
I put my foot down the day after D-day and told H that if we have ANY chance to R that we must both put each other first.
We decided this year to have our first xmas together as a nuclear family alone without her boundary stomping and taking over. When he finally got the balls to email her this (as well as also informing her of his realization that he was enmeshed with her and should have been putting me as a priority instead of her all along) she FREAKED out and went crazy. She basically told us she was cutting us off.
This was the BEST thing that has ever happened to us!!!! We are finally free.