WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10
Welcome to SI, InfiniteHope.
What actions am I able to perform when I can't see my BS and when there is a D proceeding to show that I am steadfast in my wishes for R?
I was in your shoes almost exactly. My XH divorced me after D-day and we had very limited contact at work for the two years following D-day before we began to reconcile. I'll share what I did, and maybe some of it will be helpful to your situation.
First and foremost, I worked on myself. For several months post-D-day, if I wasn't at work, I was doing SOMETHING to better myself---emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually. I went to IC (individual counseling). I went back to church regularly---I had lapsed while I was married. I spoke nearly every day to a trusted (female) friend and my family about the terrible choices I had made, and my goals & plans for recovery. I wrote personal letters to XH's family and friends, who had all written me off after D-day, expressing my remorse and apologizing for my horrible behavior toward their son/brother/friend. I began to analyze EVERY cumulative thought, emotion, and behavior pattern of my then-28 years, figuring out what was healthy and could stay (verrrry little) and what was toxic and had to go (lots and lots). I became very intentional, once I had identified all the enmeshed and entangled bits of toxicity, about changing it. Rebuilding myself from the ground up, if you will.
When I did happen to see my XH: well, for many months, I avoided him completely. There was a time or two that I would literally turn around and walk away if I were about to cross his path at work. I didn't mean to be juvenile, but I was hurting so badly and I'm sure he was hurting infinitely more. Eventually, though, those feelings passed; the more work I did on myself, the more I changed inside, the more it showed on the outside. From that point on, when I saw him, I always tried to portray an attitude of sensitivity and respect, but also of confidence and positivity. (It wasn't an act.)
I became more responsible. He noticed that I was never late for work anymore, for example. I became kinder, gentler, and had a more positive attitude. (A major pre-A bone of contention between us was my sour and grumpy disposition.) He knew that I confessed my infidelity to far more people than he "outed" me to, and knew that I took complete responsibility and never ran him down to anyone.
I will add that I did also pray frequently for God to change his heart.
These were the only "actions" I could do, and show, while we were apart. Like you in your situation, I was not around him to "show" him. But, really? I wasn't doing it "for" him. As DS said, maybe she won't change her mind. In the end, though, the one person you will ALWAYS be in a relationship with is yourself. Make it a good one!
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
1-year-old daughter and another girl on the way