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Is my BH treating me like shit? Or is this what I deserve?

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breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 11:09 AM

I really hope that the New Year's superstition...what you do on NYE is what your year will look like...isn't true.

Last night began as a wonderful night out with dancing, friends, and fun. We kissed at midnight, the balloons fell. It wasn't a magical moment to end all woes, but it was nice and fun. After the countdown and celebration I left the general spot we were in to talk and dance with a female friend of mine. Well the man wants me to give him space, not be needy, and who stayed up til 1:00 am on Christmas talking to my sister leaving me to go bed alone....that man got really, really pissed about it. His take: I left him when we were supposed to be together.

I am so confused, I am doing what he asks me to do. Having fun, nurturing friendships, etc. Christmas showed me he wasn't going to be all warm and fuzzy about us being together on the holidays, I am not sure why NY was different. The lines are shifting on me.

When we got home, I was angry and hammered. I sat down to pee and just sat there and cried. My eyes were closed, and the next thing I knew, he was taking a picture of me with his phone. It was supposed to be a "joke" to take a pic of drunk me. But it enraged me. It felt demeaning and cruel to make a joke at my expense and it felt inappropriate.

So I lost my temper. I said horrible things and in escalated into a horrible fight. I told him to get the fuck out and I threw my shoe at him. I shouldn't have done that. If there is a fight or flight moment, emotionally, I fight. Not physically, although throwing the shoe was tiptoeing in that direction.

He told me that all of this pain has kept me from being available to my children. That was the lowest blow to me, I love them more than anything. I am very sad. I do struggle to give them as much attention as I should. But I am a loving mother who has tryed really fucking hard. I am not perfect, but I have kept it together better than many people would.

So I cried and cried. I told him that I felt like mental stability is faltering. The pain of our problems is becoming too much, I am having a hard time continuing to keep my shit together. It was the most desperate cry I have cried yet.

And you know what he did? I wanted to have sex. Of all the times, he wanted to have sex with my heartbroken shell of person laying there. And I didn't stop him. I didn't protest, but I just laid there.

Today, I feel like he is crossing boundaries about how he should be treating me. The changing rules, the picture, the cutdowns, the sex.

Am I right about this or is this just the repercussions for what I have done?

solus sto posted 1/1/2014 11:56 AM

As a BS, he may very well have wanted a night out to forget the infidelity, to have fun. Thing is, there's no escaping the infidelity. Ever. Not for the new BS. Somewhere along the line, he seems to have triggered, and you were not there. You responded by being angry because, well---he SAID one thing, and his feelings took him somewhere else.

It devolved from there. A lot.

How might YOU have changed the course of the evening? YOUR actions are the only ones you can control--so focusing on them.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/1/2014 12:17 PM

I really don't want to beat you up, breakingpoint, because you sound like you are in a very low place.

That being said, this really sounds a lot like it is all about you.

Yes, BS's can send mixed signals. I feel you need to ask, ask and ask. Maybe if you had said to BH, "Hey, I see so and so over there. Do you want me to stay here with you or should I go and visit with so and so over there?" Consider your BH's feelings in everything you do.

Why do you need to consider the BS's feelings constantly? Because they weren't considered at all by the Wayward whilst in wayward behaviour. Our feelings were cast aside, didn't matter and were ridden roughshod. I feel awful saying this, but your feelings don't really matter right now.

p.s. I don't like passive/aggressive "jokes" and do feel that your BH taking a pic of you like that was inappropriate and your feelings on that are valid.

((((breakingpoint))))

Brandon808 posted 1/1/2014 12:30 PM

I left him when we were supposed to be together.
I am so confused, I am doing what he asks me to do. Having fun, nurturing friendships, etc.
The two of your weren't on the same page on this one. This is a communication problem imho. You both had differing ideas and expectations and neither knew what the other was really thinking.

I sat down to pee and just sat there and cried. My eyes were closed, and the next thing I knew, he was taking a picture of me with his phone. It was supposed to be a "joke" to take a pic of drunk me. But it enraged me. It felt demeaning and cruel to make a joke at my expense and it felt inappropriate.
That''s some funny joke (yes, I meant that sarcastically)
That was over the line. Being a BS does not, in my eyes, entitle you to humiliate your WS for your own amusement. It just doesn''t.

As far as why he wanted to have sex with you then I would attribute that to some hysterical bonding. He was likely just as emotionally raw as you and, strange as it may sound, it is possible he felt more genuinely connected to you because you were both pouring out all of your emotions. You need to discuss it with him, but I cannot urge you strongly enough to not ask him "Why did you want to have sex with me then?" because that will come across as "Justify to me why you felt I would want to have sex with you?" I have very little information to go on but it is possible (just possible mind you) that he was feeling conflicted that night because he does love and wants to feel secure in you wanting to be with him. He triggered when you were away from him because he found how much he wanted you to be there but likely felt you weren''t with him because you didn''t want to be. You wanted to be somewhere else (again, just speculating a bit).

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:31 PM, January 1st, 2014 (Wednesday)]

breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 14:28 PM

I see in retrospect that I should have been more in tune to what he wanted. Prior to all of this is our relationship I would have been by his side the whole night. But he doesn't want me to do that. He wants me to stop "pursuing" and "pressuring" him into affection. He doesn't want to be my whole life, he wants me to be more independent.

At a Halloween party, he didn't even want to sit with me to eat.
We are separated, so spend very few nights together. Christmas Eve was one of them. He didn't come to bed, he stayed up having some deep personal conversation with my sister instead. These things hurt my feelings, but I am learning not to personalize this and listen when he says this is the space he needs. This was the type of space he desired Pre-A as well as now.

I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings at all, just more living with the kind of independence from the relationship that he asked for. I feel like he asks me to change, I do everything I can to do what he needs me to do, and then the rules change.

I guess one lesson, is that until we get well into MC we aren't ready to navigate social things.

I am trying to be what he has asked me to be.

And I was within eyesight....why didn't he just walk over? I don't understand how I am supposed to read his mind. We had talked about his expectations and I acted accordingly.

Sorry, I know I am pretty defensive. I just am frustrated that no matter what I do its not what he wants.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/1/2014 14:59 PM

Not to t/j the original topic of the post....but why did he stay up on Christmas eve talking about personal things with your sister

breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 15:03 PM

I don't really know. He says that he didn't tell her anything that he hasn't told me. I felt like it crossed a boundary, but I also feel like I don't really have a leg to stand on since the A.

Mrs Panda posted 1/1/2014 15:17 PM

Couple things. The toilet picture incident was NOT cool at all.

It is sad to me when people who love each other, or used to, show no respect. That goes for cheating. But it is also true of that incident.

You have to start respecting yourself.

I would also strongly consider Not having sex with him while you are separated. Creates too much emotional turmoil. Why aren't you back home?

breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 15:51 PM

We split both an apartment and our house. BH isn't ready to move back in together because he thinks its too soon. I think he wants to see if we can improve our relationship before we co-habitate again. For him, he wants space, empathy, and for me to appreciate him for his good points. For me, I would like more intimacy, especially emotional. I would love to feel like he just likes me.

I have cut out all contact (except work related contact) with the OM. I offered to quit my job but my H doesn't want me to. I have worked hard at empathizing with his feelings, which is especially hard when I am angry. I tell him thank you every time I notice the good things he does. I have stopped initiating emotional talks, sex, and affection for the most part.

He has started talking about his feelings more. He is randomly affectionate. I can't really say there is a huge change there though. But I guess I can't ask for that right now. I need to have respect for how hurt he is and understand that he is naturally unaffectionate and so this would be the LAST time he would want be more loving.

letmeout posted 1/1/2014 15:59 PM

Yes the picture of you crying was in poor taste to put it nicely. I am not sure how long the two of you have been trying to reconcile but it is a very hard long road to try winning back any of his trust so while in normal times you talking to other people without him at a party wouldn’t be a big deal he is super sensitive.

Neither of you sound like your handling it well at all and yes him wanting sex after was to me an insult to you. He treated you like a piece of meat at that point. He doesn’t respect you and you need to earn back his respect. That takes a while and a great deal of work on your part. Till the two of you get further along in reconciling while sex is important in a relationship it shouldn’t be used as a tool for punishment nor used to make the problem go away.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/1/2014 17:07 PM

I think one thing is for certain, BS does not translate to Betrayed Saint. I had to remember that while I hurt my BBF immensely, his actions he had while emotions ran high was excusable....to an extent. I believe I posted this story before n here, but I think it can relate.

Once, BBF and I got into an argument and he became physical. He had pinned me down and was threatening to punch me in my face. At that point I had threatened to leave and he backed off.

Yes, what I've done was horrible. But I am still a person. I still deserve to not be harmed. Sure, an embarrassing photo is no where near as bad as an A. But that's missing the point here, IMO. R is a two-way street. He deserves some leeway in the fact he was betrayed. But this photo just seems malicious, and the "it was a joke!" Excuse seems like a really lame way to cover up his ass.

I can't give much in the way of advice, but I'd recommend not drinking anymore. I don't know what your drinking habits or, or if this was just a New Years thing, but getting drunk is nothing but bad. It's apparent that your BS was taking advantage of your drunkedness for a "funny picture".

Another thing I'd say is talk to him about last night. As non-confrontational as possible. "Hey, it seems we aren't on the same page on what you mean by me being more independent. Can you explain to me what you want?" I don't know if you should bring the photo in the picture or not. That's up to you.

breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 17:15 PM

Thanks everyone for responding. It has really helped me to see my own shit in this fight, and get some perspective on how my BH feels.

We slept today and recovered. Then we talked. He apologized for the pic and we both apologized for the party. He admits that he was being overly sensitive, and I admit I didn't tune into what he wanted. We both handled that poorly.

I am most sorry about all of the mean things I said in anger. I really need to stop lashing out when I am hurt. It is so unhealthy and unfair for me to verbally "punch" back. I need to find a way to state my feelings without inserting my venomous words.

And point of no return, I like what you said about not being a betrayed saint. I need to really put myself in his shoes and come to this not with anger, but understanding.

I feel better after we talked. Thanks again everyone for helping me today.

breakingpoint posted 1/1/2014 17:15 PM

Thanks everyone for responding. It has really helped me to see my own shit in this fight, and get some perspective on how my BH feels.

We slept today and recovered. Then we talked. He apologized for the pic and we both apologized for the party. He admits that he was being overly sensitive, and I admit I didn't tune into what he wanted. We both handled that poorly.

I am most sorry about all of the mean things I said in anger. I really need to stop lashing out when I am hurt. It is so unhealthy and unfair for me to verbally "punch" back. I need to find a way to state my feelings without inserting my venomous words.

And point of no return, I like what you said about not being a betrayed saint. I need to really put myself in his shoes and come to this not with anger, but understanding.

I feel better after we talked. Thanks again everyone for helping me today.

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