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ItStillHurts posted 1/1/2014 15:15 PM

I'm still perplexed by how our relationship devolved. I was so excited to see my mom and as it turned out, it was not the visit I expected. I flew her and one brother out to spend Christmas with us.

I remember her as loving, polite, warm. (On the phone mostly over the past three years). During our visit, I could hear her muttering under her breath. Why would she do that. For instance, she asked me for salve and then turned around and muttered just loud enough for me to hear "she probably doesn't even know what it is". She would talk to me about stories from her church friends of coffee group and one time she walked away muttering about having to explain things or answer questions. I am sure there were more times.

Honestly, I felt a huge gap. My dad passed 10 years ago and I loved him and felt a tremendous respect for him. Mom...I can't understand this person. Mad at me because cherished younger brother stayed with his favorite cousin? I hope not. Everyone loves him btw, not just Mom.

If you agree this is passive aggressive behaviour, I am struggling to source it. If it is something else, please share. Not used to this at all.

Do I address or just return to cordial long distance relationship?

Help!

FYI, have not shared certain personal problems with her plus I tire easily these days as background info. Still.....

KVille posted 1/1/2014 15:56 PM

Not sure but it could be she has memory problems. I noticed my mom doing this years ago and now she has trouble remembering most things.

Lionne posted 1/1/2014 15:57 PM

It sounds like she is having some losses in the cognitive area. Has she had a thorough checkup? I am not an expert, but I wouldn't take it personally, but would definitely consider having her assessed.

Sad in AZ posted 1/1/2014 23:13 PM

My mom has turned into a weird, bitter person. She was always weird, but in a nice, eccentric way. Now she's often downright mean & nasty. She seems to love stirring up trouble; she says cruel things about other people's appearances (but she's always had an inferiority complex, so this is probably not that hard to understand).

I attribute it to the slow deterioration of dementia or perhaps even alzheimers.

finallymefirst posted 1/1/2014 23:54 PM

When my grandfather's health was deteriorating and my grandmother had more responsibilities she became very angry with him. They had unresolved infidelity issues, but as we all know rug sweeping eventually bites u in the butt. She was at the beginning stages of dementia and would lash out at him. As painful as my divorce has been, I'm glad that I don't have to take care of a un remorseful spouse, that might push me over the edge too. Just go back to the cordial long distance relationship and let the brother handle things on his end.

Too_Trusting posted 1/2/2014 12:52 PM

It, my mother also turned into a mutterer and said very unkind things as she got older. I know it's hard NOT to take it personally, but I had to attribute it to an increasing dementia and according to her Dr., a manifestation of something like an OCD (muttering and talking to herself).

FWIW, my Mom got MUCH worse after my Dad passed. I didn't realize how much he kept her "grounded" until he was gone. Then, she really got bad talking to herself, muttering and saying unkind things, and leaping to the most incredible conclusions.

I found that these things were just part of her getting older and less psychologically stable.

ItStillHurts posted 1/3/2014 20:37 PM

Thank you for sharing.

Moments of the visit still leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel so bad that I was too hurt and dumbstruck to do more. I kept attributing it to the weather as there were only two days above zero.

I will research here and we will go for a visit there where I am sure she will be more comfortable in her own space.

Darn sad.

PS. Her happiness has been found: She called to **sing** Happy New Year; honestly, If she were a child I could wring her neck for the sudden good cheer. It's like there are two of her: one for the world to see & one for family. My dad probably did keep her grounded.