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hardest thing you have done

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scream posted 1/1/2014 18:57 PM

What is thr hardest or most painful thing you have done since DDay?

scream posted 1/1/2014 19:02 PM

I just wrote a letter to my sons that I hope they may never read. Cried all the way through it. They are to young at this point. But to write that may be the hardest thing I have done yet. To sit here and ask my little boys to find forgivness in their hearts for me. For taking a piece of their childhood. For causing so much pain to their mother. God I'm crying now. I can't believe what I have done to my family

longroadhome posted 1/1/2014 19:55 PM

I'm sorry for your pain, brother.

For me, it's witnessing the lasting pain I've inflicted on the kind, loving woman sitting across the room from me right now. Even on her best days, I can see the hurt in her eyes, that her smile isn't as bright as it used to be, that she doesn't engage life the same way. She used to be just generally so happy. I face the fact that I destroyed that and it breaks my heart every day.

Daisy1967 posted 1/1/2014 20:01 PM

Post here. Honestly.

scream posted 1/1/2014 20:15 PM

Daisy, I'm sorry. I don't understand your post?

SlowUptake posted 1/1/2014 20:28 PM

Telling our three children I cheated on their mother. (2 adults, 1 teenager)
Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I tear up just thinking about it.
Scream, I feel you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 10:06 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

scream posted 1/1/2014 21:06 PM

I'm sorry you had to go there. My boys are to young now to understand the damage I have caused. When they do read this letter or another that I may write to them. I hope they can still love me. Dear god what have I done? Like a hammer hitting me all over. My wife, I can't imagine.

helplessme posted 1/1/2014 21:09 PM

Seems to me like everything I used to be is gone

I destroyed my wonderful family and I lost everything. Up till today, I dont think I have ever forgiven myself.

The most painful part about all of this is losing my adult son's respect. (not necessarily doing it but causing it). This is truly tearing me apart

scream posted 1/1/2014 21:58 PM

I had an IC meeting a few weeks ago. Had me go back and think about when and how my wife found out. See I was a coward. I lied, lied. To the point my wife texted her and got the truth from her. I can still see and feel that night. I became sick and emotional in his office. Like nothing I could explain. But tonight writing this letter to my 2 little boys. I am just so sorry. Breaking. Feel like I'm breaking. I know what I have done. I think I now feel what I have done. Can barely hold my self together with each post I write and read. Thank you all.

wanttounderstand posted 1/1/2014 22:01 PM

Dealing with my AP's suicide after I ended the affair. And then spending the next 30 years hating myself.

scream posted 1/1/2014 22:24 PM

Wanttounderstand. im sorry. i cant think of thatkind of guilt

wanttounderstand posted 1/1/2014 22:31 PM

Scream, I share this for one reason only. Affairs are not fun and games. This is some serious sh*t and I am not sure everyone realizes this. Every affair does not end in tragedy and a lifetime of pain for the innocent and the guilty, but every affair has that potential. If my experience helps one person rethink their choices, then it is worth sharing IMHO. Take care.

scream posted 1/2/2014 05:03 AM

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you are here. I'm sorry you have this kind of story. I hope that its not thought of this way. I have never seen anyone on this site treat it that way. Take care of yourself

Daisy1967 posted 1/2/2014 07:29 AM

The hardest thing I have done regarding the A was to post here. I have told no one what has happened until now. Not even my best friend of over 40 years.

scream posted 1/2/2014 09:36 AM

Thanks Daisy. I know posting somethings here can be really hard. This post maybe the most honest and painful one yet for me. Back at work. Where I was last night when I started. Just a few hours sleep. Cuddled up to my wife when I got in bed. Let her fall back asleep. Got up this morning, and got here and still as emotional as I was last night when I posted.

Aubrie posted 1/2/2014 09:47 AM

I'm sorry you're hurting scream. I know what you're feeling. There are some times when it just comes crashing down around me and the worst feeling of panic/dread/horror/sadness/shame overwhelm me.

Be gentle with yourself. Remember to breathe.

Clarrissa posted 1/2/2014 14:21 PM

Hardest thing I've done? Look at myself, *really* look at myself. And not only myself but my family and my childhood. I had to step back, take off the rose-tinted glasses and admit I was deluding myself about a lot of things. That, and accept myself for who I am, not who I thought I was.

1bigidiot79 posted 1/2/2014 14:43 PM

I had to step back, take off the rose-tinted glasses and admit I was deluding myself about a lot of things. That, and accept myself for who I am, not who I thought I was.
This.
Once I took a good long look in the mirror and realized I didn't like the person I was looking at it totally rocked my boat. I have spent years telling myself I'm this or that when in reality it wasn't the truth.

kmom2662 posted 1/2/2014 15:00 PM

The hardest thing was listening to my H sobbing after I said the AP's name in my sleep. He was able to use the name to identify the AP. We have both had trouble sleeping ever since-- both of us are terrified that it will happen again, and I have no way to make sure it doesn't.

Clarrissa posted 1/2/2014 15:11 PM

kmom, you can make sure it doesn't happen again by finding out why it happened the first time. You can ask for help. That's what we're here for.

(Sorry if I t/j'ed)

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