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rug sweeping through the holidays

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Gottagetthrough posted 1/1/2014 22:04 PM

we spent the holidays (almost 2 weeks actually) at the in laws. We were having such a good time that WH called in on Sunday and asked his boss if he could take off until Thursday.

WH had been a mean arse during the beginning of December. I even told him to go to his doctor and get his meds adjusted because he was acting like such a jerk. (WH is Bipolar I... found that out after the A. A started when he was severely manic)

So, WH does go to the psychiatrist, who changes up his meds a little. And WOW. I noticed he was much nicer. I don't know if its because we were at his moms and he was relaxed, but he was nicer, and more affectionate than ever. Seriously, he has never kissed me or hugged me in front of his family, and he did that this last two weeks.

We are 4 years out from D-day, and 3 years into R,with 2 of those years separated & the last 1 actually living together again.

His family was very cruel during the divorce. Accepted OW, didnt say anything about his strange behavior or illegal behavior, etc etc... I tried to get them to talk to him about his drug abuse, they wouldnt. Plus, WH began his affair in Nov 2009 and he told the ILS about it then. They knew for 2 months before I did. Didnt say anything to me, and let me come to their house several satets away for Christmas 2009 where he told me he was leaving me again (so basically, I get dumped, ILS know why, and I dont. Im a mess, and have a new born baby...)

I dont forgive them. I think its nice that my kids get to know their cousins (My side of the family is small and there are no little kids except my own). WH's side of the family is huge and there are about 10 cousins, all around the same age. My dd's best friend is her cousin, who is only 2 months older than her.

The ILS were much nicer this trip (my first trip after the divorce was stopped, some people would not even talk to me). People asked if we would consider moving back, we received gifts from people who hadnt given us gifts in years, etc...

Its like they forgot and "forgave" me for things I said during the divorce. (I didnt want the kids alone with certain members of his family, etc)

I dont forgive them though. Under their nice exterior, I know they don't care about me, and really dont care about the kids. They are not friends of the marriage.

Im just so confused.... They were nice, we all had a good time... but I know when push comes to shove, they would only want to "win" the divorce (ie, have my WH get full custody of the kids), they would not want the best interest ofthe kids. And no matter what they say, I am NOT a member of their family. As I told WH... Im just his "Plus One" If he wasnt there, I would not be invited.

sad12008 posted 1/2/2014 08:51 AM


I'm glad you had a decent time, and even more importantly, that your WH's med adjustment seems to have stuffed Mr. Hyde back into the locked closet he belongs in! My fWH is diagnosed w/BP-II, and I believe I know the kind of "mean" of which you speak. It's pretty crappy, and the diagnostic term of "irritability" is such an understatement as to be insulting.

I don't blame you one iota for not forgiving the ILs for how poorly they treated you, or for how they held the truth from you. Frankly, I wouldn't even begin to consider trying to forgive until such time as you got a very heartfelt, very genuine apology showing that they truly grasp how damaging and wrong their actions were.

Until then, you can be polite, socialize as necessary at family gatherings, but that's that. You don't have to open your heart to people who've hurt you and just expect everything to be fine & dandy again once they decide all's well.

It's weird, I know, because there can be almost a feel of play-acting involved. However, here you are, stuck having to interact periodically with people who in other circumstances you'd write off. I think you nailed it when you said you're just your WH's "Plus One"... However, these sorts of situations are where old-timey etiquette (a la Downton Abbey) comes into play. You are polite, as warm as the situation demands, but keep your firewall settings high.

Gottagetthrough posted 1/2/2014 10:47 AM

old-timey etiquette (a la Downton Abbey)

LOVE THIS!!! I will pretend I am Lady Mary next time I have to see them (not for 6 mos!)

I have such mixed emotions... I was actually having fun with these people, but then I'd remember they were huge assholes to me just 4 years ago... I feel guilty having a good time, like I'm compromising my ethics...

But this all ties into R... what do I demand of WH (I never demanded he cut ties with his family, since our R was weird... we were separated after he left OW and I would help him get off drugs and go to his doctors and therapists, but we didn't live together. Plus, he was suicidal when he left OW, and I wasn't going to make demands of him other than don't do drugs... take your lithium...

I guess now is when we can really do the work involved in R...

One big win (in my mind) was when WH confronted his mom about a different topic. They had a little spat, and he said, "you know mom, you always go with the flow. you never want to ruffle anyones feathers and so you don't speak up when you should. If something happenes to XYZ person, it will be on your head that you didn't do the right thing & step in & help"

I asked him later if his diatribe was partially because I always said his mom never stepped in to help him (she knew he was on drugs), and I've said many times, You know, your mom had so many chances to help you and she never did...

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:48 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

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