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User Topic: The Danger of Affairs
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I was involved in my A there were many things I never thought about; my BH' s feelings,our families,how it would affect our DD, the list goes on and on.

Another thing I never thought about is the physical danger I could have potentially put myself and my family in....there are so many stories in the media about affairs that end in murder....children who grow up without parents, lives that are forever changed because two people selfishly decided to enter into a "relationship".

This is mind blowing to me...My DD could grow up without her mother because I made a very bad, very selfish choice?!

My xAP didn't stalk me or anything, but how did I know he wouldn't? How did I know that after confronting her, his BW would come to my home and kill me?? I didn't....That's horrifying.

This may seem ridiculous but has anyone else thought of this? How lucky we are that this kind of thing didn't happen? That we won't be on the next episode of date line?

This may seem random but I have been thinking about this because of all the posts I have read about OW(OM) stalking the family members of their AP's, and all the other stories.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish people would think of this. Not only that, but STD's as well. I got lucky, my husbands LTA is from a country where hepatitis is a higher risk. He didn't even think to wear a condom. Thankfully I only got yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis. Many are not that lucky though.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post isn't random at all. My stbxww did have the OM's BW actively stalking her prior to me even finding out about the A. She confronted her at her job more than once. The only reason I found out about the A was the BW confronted my stbxww coming out of her WH's apartment. The police were called and my ww figured I would find out when the police did a follow up.

After Dday prior to me filing we had to put an alarm system in and also got concealed weapons permits. My stbxww to this day still gets flowers on her birthday from the other BW with a note on it that is usually something to the effect of "when will you learn your lesson, do I need to tell 7yrsflushed about what you are doing, etc." Doesn't matter that I knew over 2 years ago now, doesn't matter that we are getting a D, doesn't matter that my stbxww has moved out into her own house, the BW still calls her and send flowers or at least she did last year.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:51 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I did confront on AP at their job. She was afraid I was going to hit her. I didn't.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
TheThreeYearFool
♀ 41218
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be grim, but several years ago an A at my workplace ended in murder. A WW extended her business trip to meet up with her AP and her BH who had long standing psychological problems found out...

Now the WW is dead, the BH's in jail, nobody here at work can look at AP the same way again, and worst of all children are now motherless.

(Edited to make the details more vague)

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 3:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the first things our MC said to us was:

"This is the sort of thing people are murdered over."

I get it. Had I not been pregnant, I fear what my reaction might have been. And Samantha's right. The risk of STDs alone is staggering.

This is one of the repeat issues I can't wrap my head around. I constantly ask my H variations of the same question..."what were you thinking??!!"


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoGoodUsername
♂ 40181
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a moderately high profile case in Pittsburgh this last year where a university professor was murdered over an EA and possible PA by her chemist husband. Cyanide poisoning is an awfully high price to pay for infidelity.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me and scares me how blind I was to all these dangers during the A. The high really is a drug to make it so easy to just IGNORE what to any rational person are some serious and deadly risks being taken.

Without the fog I find myself constantly asking "what the hell were you thinking?!?!"

The danger is real and should never be forgotten.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to mentionůsuicide of one of the people involved with the triangulated relationship. AP, BS, WS.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH talked about physically confronting the AP after D-day. At the time I didn't take it seriously because of the size difference, but looking back, who's to say XH was talking about a fistfight?? He also did several scary and threatening Google searches for around a month afterward.

We have no kids to consider. I think the only thing that stopped him was potential prison time.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW in our situation stalked me. One day, I saw a car parked right outside my house and I called H and described the car and her. He told me to close the curtains. I didn't know about her, at the time, but I was TERRIFIED once I put it all together. I became invisible- I mean, you would NOT have been able to find me until a few days ago. I had to become visible again for a job and it wasn't easy. I didn't realize I had become THAT invisible, but I had.

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is there's all kinds of crazy in this world. And there's no way of knowing when you're going to come across it.

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.

Just a little perspective.YMMV.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.
Alyssa isn't talking about how fragile/dangerous life is as a whole. She is speaking specifically of the dangers of an affair. Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing. "She f*cked a dude, her husband found out, the husband killed them both and commit suicide. Welp, just another day in the life of Earth. Carry on."

JMHO.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Kap12
♀ 41759
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree I have thought about this a lot. I know for me I was being selfish and didn't think of the consequences of my actions until I was caught. Thinking back I did a lot of things that I am not proud of and will pay the price for the rest of my life.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..it reminds me of the same kind of reckless, selfish and entitled thinking that occurs when a person gets behind the wheel drunk, never considering the life altering, life ending consequences. Shattered families and friends.. sorrow and grief all around..

..too many similarities

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing.

Fair enough Aubrie.

Try this one on for size.

'I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.'

Ah, must have been the wife's fault.
Blame shifting?

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one.

JMHO.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:35 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses....glad to know I am not the only one who thinks about these things.

Like heartbroken said, my BH really wanted to "confront" my XAP after DDAY and considered looking up his address a couple of times, and he is not normally an aggressive or violent man.

It just blows my mind that these types of situations do happen,and it could be anyone who does it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one them.
"Technically" no. However, had the WS not cheated in the first place, they wouldn't have brought potential danger into the marriage. They are still in a way responsible, thru their own stupidity and series of choices, for bringing in diseases, stalkers, bunny boilers, and sometimes murderers. Can they control the stalkers, BB's, or killers? No. But their crap actions brought it into their family's lives. So in a way, they are responsible. Their crap actions brought terrible consequences into their relationships and family member's lives.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.'
Ah, must have been the wife's fault.
Blame shifting?
I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one them.

Agreed. And I don't think that is the point of Alyssa's thread. Alyssa isn't saying that those kind of acts are justified. The point is that having an A is risky behavior and involves people who are broken. There are plenty of stories of that brokenness, that instability leading to those kind of violent acts.
There was a story some years ago that made national news. The OW killed the BW. The WH had no idea the OW was going to do that. He was not legally guilty of the crime. How guilty do you imagine he felt though? You don't have to know or intend for something bad to happen for your actions to have just that result. Alyssa's point (as I see it) was that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship (an A) with an unhealthy person (AP) who wanted to be involved with her for unhealthy reasons. So what if there was even more disastrous fallout from the A? What if the OM got possessive and began stalking her? That has happened to members of SI where the AP stalked the BS and WS.

Alyssa,
I think it shows how far you've come and how you've changed that you have considered these things. You see not only the hurt that has been caused but what all the risks could have been. I would just caution you to not dwell on that. Let your BH know you see those things now and you're sorry for that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4087 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok... ^^^ What Brandon said. Cause it's exactly what I was thinking but couldn't say right.

(((Alyssa)))
It's frightening to look back and think this stuff over isn't it?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 53
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