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The Danger of Affairs

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Alyssamd24 posted 1/2/2014 14:46 PM

While I was involved in my A there were many things I never thought about; my BH' s feelings,our families,how it would affect our DD, the list goes on and on.

Another thing I never thought about is the physical danger I could have potentially put myself and my family in....there are so many stories in the media about affairs that end in murder....children who grow up without parents, lives that are forever changed because two people selfishly decided to enter into a "relationship".

This is mind blowing to me...My DD could grow up without her mother because I made a very bad, very selfish choice?!

My xAP didn't stalk me or anything, but how did I know he wouldn't? How did I know that after confronting her, his BW would come to my home and kill me?? I didn't....That's horrifying.

This may seem ridiculous but has anyone else thought of this? How lucky we are that this kind of thing didn't happen? That we won't be on the next episode of date line?

This may seem random but I have been thinking about this because of all the posts I have read about OW(OM) stalking the family members of their AP's, and all the other stories.

Kelany posted 1/2/2014 15:00 PM

I wish people would think of this. Not only that, but STD's as well. I got lucky, my husbands LTA is from a country where hepatitis is a higher risk. He didn't even think to wear a condom. Thankfully I only got yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis. Many are not that lucky though.

7yrsflushed posted 1/2/2014 15:01 PM

Your post isn't random at all. My stbxww did have the OM's BW actively stalking her prior to me even finding out about the A. She confronted her at her job more than once. The only reason I found out about the A was the BW confronted my stbxww coming out of her WH's apartment. The police were called and my ww figured I would find out when the police did a follow up.

After Dday prior to me filing we had to put an alarm system in and also got concealed weapons permits. My stbxww to this day still gets flowers on her birthday from the other BW with a note on it that is usually something to the effect of "when will you learn your lesson, do I need to tell 7yrsflushed about what you are doing, etc." Doesn't matter that I knew over 2 years ago now, doesn't matter that we are getting a D, doesn't matter that my stbxww has moved out into her own house, the BW still calls her and send flowers or at least she did last year.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:51 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Kelany posted 1/2/2014 15:03 PM

Oh, and I did confront on AP at their job. She was afraid I was going to hit her. I didn't.

TheThreeYearFool posted 1/2/2014 15:45 PM

Not to be grim, but several years ago an A at my workplace ended in murder. A WW extended her business trip to meet up with her AP and her BH who had long standing psychological problems found out...

Now the WW is dead, the BH's in jail, nobody here at work can look at AP the same way again, and worst of all children are now motherless.

(Edited to make the details more vague)

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 3:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

918Mama posted 1/2/2014 16:55 PM

One of the first things our MC said to us was:

"This is the sort of thing people are murdered over."

I get it. Had I not been pregnant, I fear what my reaction might have been. And Samantha's right. The risk of STDs alone is staggering.

This is one of the repeat issues I can't wrap my head around. I constantly ask my H variations of the same question..."what were you thinking??!!"

NoGoodUsername posted 1/2/2014 17:44 PM

There was a moderately high profile case in Pittsburgh this last year where a university professor was murdered over an EA and possible PA by her chemist husband. Cyanide poisoning is an awfully high price to pay for infidelity.

Prayingforhope posted 1/2/2014 18:09 PM

It amazes me and scares me how blind I was to all these dangers during the A. The high really is a drug to make it so easy to just IGNORE what to any rational person are some serious and deadly risks being taken.

Without the fog I find myself constantly asking "what the hell were you thinking?!?!"

The danger is real and should never be forgotten.

womaninflux posted 1/2/2014 18:13 PM

Not to mention…suicide of one of the people involved with the triangulated relationship. AP, BS, WS.

Darkness Falls posted 1/2/2014 18:13 PM

My XH talked about physically confronting the AP after D-day. At the time I didn't take it seriously because of the size difference, but looking back, who's to say XH was talking about a fistfight?? He also did several scary and threatening Google searches for around a month afterward.

We have no kids to consider. I think the only thing that stopped him was potential prison time.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 1/2/2014 18:32 PM

The OW in our situation stalked me. One day, I saw a car parked right outside my house and I called H and described the car and her. He told me to close the curtains. I didn't know about her, at the time, but I was TERRIFIED once I put it all together. I became invisible- I mean, you would NOT have been able to find me until a few days ago. I had to become visible again for a job and it wasn't easy. I didn't realize I had become THAT invisible, but I had.

SlowUptake posted 1/2/2014 19:40 PM

All I know is there's all kinds of crazy in this world. And there's no way of knowing when you're going to come across it.

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.

Just a little perspective.YMMV.

Aubrie posted 1/2/2014 19:55 PM

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.
Alyssa isn't talking about how fragile/dangerous life is as a whole. She is speaking specifically of the dangers of an affair. Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing. "She f*cked a dude, her husband found out, the husband killed them both and commit suicide. Welp, just another day in the life of Earth. Carry on."

JMHO.

Kap12 posted 1/2/2014 19:59 PM

I agree I have thought about this a lot. I know for me I was being selfish and didn't think of the consequences of my actions until I was caught. Thinking back I did a lot of things that I am not proud of and will pay the price for the rest of my life.

somanyyears posted 1/2/2014 19:59 PM


..it reminds me of the same kind of reckless, selfish and entitled thinking that occurs when a person gets behind the wheel drunk, never considering the life altering, life ending consequences. Shattered families and friends.. sorrow and grief all around..

..too many similarities

smy

SlowUptake posted 1/2/2014 20:14 PM

Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing.

Fair enough Aubrie.

Try this one on for size.

'I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.'

Ah, must have been the wife's fault.
Blame shifting?

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one.

JMHO.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:35 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 1/2/2014 20:31 PM

Thanks for all the responses....glad to know I am not the only one who thinks about these things.

Like heartbroken said, my BH really wanted to "confront" my XAP after DDAY and considered looking up his address a couple of times, and he is not normally an aggressive or violent man.

It just blows my mind that these types of situations do happen,and it could be anyone who does it.

Aubrie posted 1/2/2014 20:33 PM

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one them.
"Technically" no. However, had the WS not cheated in the first place, they wouldn't have brought potential danger into the marriage. They are still in a way responsible, thru their own stupidity and series of choices, for bringing in diseases, stalkers, bunny boilers, and sometimes murderers. Can they control the stalkers, BB's, or killers? No. But their crap actions brought it into their family's lives. So in a way, they are responsible. Their crap actions brought terrible consequences into their relationships and family member's lives.

Brandon808 posted 1/2/2014 20:36 PM

'I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.'
Ah, must have been the wife's fault.
Blame shifting?
I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one them.

Agreed. And I don't think that is the point of Alyssa's thread. Alyssa isn't saying that those kind of acts are justified. The point is that having an A is risky behavior and involves people who are broken. There are plenty of stories of that brokenness, that instability leading to those kind of violent acts.
There was a story some years ago that made national news. The OW killed the BW. The WH had no idea the OW was going to do that. He was not legally guilty of the crime. How guilty do you imagine he felt though? You don't have to know or intend for something bad to happen for your actions to have just that result. Alyssa's point (as I see it) was that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship (an A) with an unhealthy person (AP) who wanted to be involved with her for unhealthy reasons. So what if there was even more disastrous fallout from the A? What if the OM got possessive and began stalking her? That has happened to members of SI where the AP stalked the BS and WS.

Alyssa,
I think it shows how far you've come and how you've changed that you have considered these things. You see not only the hurt that has been caused but what all the risks could have been. I would just caution you to not dwell on that. Let your BH know you see those things now and you're sorry for that.

Aubrie posted 1/2/2014 20:39 PM

Ok... ^^^ What Brandon said. Cause it's exactly what I was thinking but couldn't say right.

(((Alyssa)))
It's frightening to look back and think this stuff over isn't it?

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