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Angry wife... wwyd?

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wildbananas posted 1/2/2014 17:39 PM

A few weeks ago, I was having a drink with several coworkers. We were in a town where another coworker lives and we wanted to invite him, so I texted him to ask if he wanted to join us and named off names of who was there. I got a message back saying he was hanging with family, so I just said okay, we'll have one for you and that was that.

The next day, I woke up to several angry "This is HIS WIFE, that's MY husband and who the fuck do you think you are?" type of texts. I was seriously confused - the guy has a fiancée but we all know her and she's always been really friendly. She works nights, which is why we didn't include her in the invitation, and she's never minded when he's gone out with us before.

When I apologized to him the next day for upsetting her, he said he didn't get anything from me and showed me his phone. I showed him mine, he looked at the number on his contact and lo and behold, I had the number of a different coworker under his name. (It turns out their numbers had gotten swapped in our company phone directory, which explained the problem.)

I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions. I heard nothing from either of them for weeks and today, I got a request from her on LinkedIn.

Part of me wants to just shrug it off - I honestly didn't say anything inappropriate. But part of me thinks I should talk to her because I've been the wife at home wondering what my (X)H was up to.

I don't know that I want to step in whatever is going on here, though... who knows what's happening in their relationship, especially if she's hopped up enough to track me down weeks later? Besides, I don't think it's a good idea to address this over something with business ties. And I'm reluctant to talk to him about it because I don't want it to look like he and I are conspiring against her and keeping secrets, you know?

Maybe I'm overthinking it... I don't know, WWYD?

GabyBaby posted 1/2/2014 17:48 PM

I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions.
I think I'd leave it alone if I were in your position. Having been on the BS end, I do feel bad for the angry wife, however, you did respond, apologize, and offer to speak to her.
You know it was an accident/misunderstanding. Let this one roll off your back.

soulsearcher4 posted 1/2/2014 17:49 PM

If you don't know this person, and really don't know what's going on, then really it's best to stay out of it.

There are so many scenarios, including her cheating on him, that whatever you tried to do would make whatever really is going on worse, not better.

There is so little positive that could come out of this shrugging it off is the best course of action.

thyme2go posted 1/2/2014 21:05 PM

Do, or say, nothing.

Jrazz posted 1/2/2014 21:30 PM

Yuck - what a thing to get caught in the middle of.

I think that since you offered to talk, the ball is in her court to either take you up on that or leave you alone. The LinkedIn thing is a little too... passive aggressive. I mean, we all have sympathy for the BS who gets constantly lied to, and as far as she knows you're an OW who is lying to her as well... but that doesn't mean you have to get caught up in the crap.

Knowing what we know now, I think it's ok to chat it out if she calls, and maybe direct her to a little place known as SurvivingInfidelity.com?

Again - you actively pursuing this after your response doesn't seem necessary.

(((wildbananas)))

persevere posted 1/2/2014 21:34 PM

Considering the unfortunate percentage of infidelity in marriages, it's quite possible your contact hit an appropriate nerve.

But, you did reach out to the co-worker, it was just an innocent mistake, though if it were me, I'd want a bit more info. Not that it's your responsibility to do so under the circumstances.

sparkysable posted 1/3/2014 06:09 AM

Anyone wanna bet that this guy is cheating anyway?

newnormal posted 1/3/2014 06:29 AM

Sparkey, that's what I thought. And Linkedin feels safer than meeting in person. Perhaps this is her way to contact you?

SBB posted 1/3/2014 06:51 AM

You know what is so messed up - this is exactly the kind of story so many of us were given that later turned out to be bullshit.

To this woman you are an OW. I would absolutely not connect with her on LinkedIn - she may be out for revenge. She isn't going to believe anything you say.

Whether or not either of them are cheating is not your concern.

Me? I'd message her on LinkedIn and apologise again. I'd tell her I am NOT an OW and I do not wish to stay in contact with her.

I'd probably explain to her what happened to me and that I completely understand that she does not believe a word I say. I would assure her I have deleted colleagues number from my phone and will never have another thing to do with him again.

Reading this I felt great empathy. I immediately imagined this happening in a future relationship. There is no way in hell I would ever believe that this was an accident. I would probably end the relationship based on this.

That is what would make me want to at least try to set the record straight even though I know there is no way you can prove it isn't what she thinks it is.

idkam posted 1/3/2014 15:44 PM

I would def send her a message on LinkedIn... If i was in that situation i would want to hear an explanation, whether she believes you or not is up to her...maybe he's not having sn affair snd you inadvertantly sent red flags to the wife..,

Send her a detailed messages and let it go...

ajsmom posted 1/3/2014 15:52 PM

WWID?

Nothing.

She waits WEEKS to contact you and then does it via a professional networking site? Hmmm...no.

You've already apologized (although it's not clear that the guy who received the text isn't someone you hang out with). I'm assuming he/they are not part of your usual crowd?

It was an honest mistake, and if he did a poor job of relating that to his wife, that is not your problem.

Let it go.


AJ's MOM

amitheow posted 1/3/2014 15:53 PM

can you make a copy of the company phone directory showing the mix up?

StillLivin posted 1/3/2014 15:58 PM

I honestly don't know what to advise, but something similar happened many years ago.
My SUV broke down in a remote area of the desert. I called everybody on my Army alert roster in my brand new unit.
I left a benign message for all that I was the new soldier, and my SUV was broken down about 8 miles from the city on Hwy X. One of the soldiers got my message and came out and got me and we towed my SUV back to the city.
A few days later, some lady called me and cussed me out and threatened to come to where I lived and beat my ass. She told me she knew I was setting my sights on her H, and I was a dirty nasty whore, blah blah blah.
At first, I had no clue who she was even talking about. I didn't handle it well, chalk it up to being young and stupid, and I laughed at her and then told her I didn't want her ugly man, I just called because I was stranded in a new unit.
Ms. Crazy called a few times more and left messages threatening me.
I'm not saying to not let her contact you or vice versa, but just be careful and be prepared for anything.

wildbananas posted 1/3/2014 18:29 PM

ajsmom, this is someone I absolutely don't hang out with. I work in IT so I interface with everyone at one time or another but my contact with this guy is pretty minimal. Heck, I couldn't even tell you how many kids he has. If any. I barely know him.

I hate her feeling how she must be feeling... and honestly, I hate being thought of an OW just as much. I would never do another woman what was done to me. Ever.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys... I really appreciate it.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 6:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

goodbye_virginia posted 1/3/2014 22:47 PM

This would be really funny if it didn't hit a nerve with all us BS! I'd ignore it too, as you've already apologized and tried to explain.

AnnieOakley posted 1/3/2014 23:37 PM

WB~

I would probably accept the linkedin request and see if she tries to reach out to you further. I may even consider reiterating in a message to her your original text.

I think most of us agree that there could be a likely reason that she reacted so strongly. And also, how many of us took weeks to work up the nerve to confront, ask questions, etc. of our partners-much less the AP's??

Of course you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. You can prove to her that it was a mistake.

Who knows if her H even showed her the apology text---and even if he did---if he is a WS, we allllll know that the AP would lie to help him cover his tracks.

If she turns out to be bat shit crazy on linkedin, delete her. Done. Over.

If he is GL'ing her, we also know that can make a BS appear to be bat shit crazy. Blech.

Good Luck.

Tresemme posted 1/7/2014 15:08 PM

hi...why not have the coworker who the texts were meant for contact her and explain the mix up in the directory and confirm to her the texts were sent to the wrong recipient...hearing this info from you initially and another coworker confirming it, especially bc the male coworker isnt her husband's bestie may reassure her..

Crescita posted 1/7/2014 16:43 PM

If you are still looking for advice, I'd just let this one be. Whatever is going on with them goes way beyond your involvement.

You can't prove someone isn't cheating. Even if you can verify that it wasn't with you. It will only fuel the gas-lighting.

If he is honest and open and innocent and she is 10 shades of crazy, well that also has nothing to do with you, and is something he will have to work out himself.

wildbananas posted 1/8/2014 09:01 AM

Update... I haven't said anything to her but now she's trying to friend me on FB.

I guess I'd better say something quick before she shows up at work and tries to have a sit-down with me...

better4me posted 1/8/2014 22:43 PM

Ugh. Good luck with this. I suppose you can accept the FB friend request, send a personal message explaining the situation and mixup. Ask her if she has any questions and then answer them. You can always block her if it gets weird or ugly.

As former BS's we feel sympathy and want to help if we can, but we don't have to put up with any cray cray.

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