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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: I Feel Like a Heel
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart is feeling sorry for herself, I'm to blame.

LONG VERSION:
I came home tonight under the impression that things were going well. However, shortly after I got home, I realized Heart was in a very bad place indeed.

Something about the mood sparked me, though, because I had been thinking today about something Heart had told me on the phone: I have enough time to mess with a Rubik's Cube while at work, but not enough time to work on my novel. Couple this with my mother chastising me for having enough time to "play stupid computer games" but not enough time to play with DS, put up a Christmas tree, take him out in the snow, or any other winter/Christmas-related memories, and you get a very single-minded KBeguile who 'realizes' that he needs to take charge around the house while Heart is on the mend.

Now, I tried to talk to Heart through dinner, and I didn't seem to have much luck. Then, I determined that I was just going to start doing chores -- washing dishes and clothes, mostly -- until I was tired or I was satisfied that I had done my part to pay for my transgressions today. I was angry, too ... at myself, for not realizing that I needed to do these things sooner ... that I was now in Heart's position as the only one capable of doing anything in the house and I now knew what she felt like for 6-7 years.

I stupidly voiced my anger at myself for being a freeloader and a siphon all these years (mind you, she was still in depressed mode as I'm saying this all), and I said that I felt it was now my sole duty and responsibility to get this house back into shape because she couldn't. I told her that I now know how she felt all those years that I didn't lift a finger, and that I deserved to feel this way for everything that I had done. Being in a depressed state, she took it all (understandably so) as a personal attack on her and her current capabilities and broke down crying.

Now I'm in twice as deep as when the night started. I still feel the need to get the household chores done, and I still feel it is my sole responsibility, but if I do elect to do anything it will be a slap to her face that she wasn't doing it. Furthermore, I still have Heart in a depressed situation where she feels useless, unwanted, and alone.

Help?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign but I'll try to say this gently. Unfortunately I have no advice to help now but I hope you realize if you had done those things without the "I was so awful but now I'm going to take care of you, " comments it might not have gone so badly. Also, you shouldn't be doing those things to "pay for your transgressions". You say you know what she felt like all those years? If I were to assume you weren't helping before for selfish reasons and I were Heart I would also feel like you were equating that to me being selfish now.

I guess what I'm saying is please read your post but try to see it through Heart's eyes. Figure out what you could have done differently and do it next time.

Eta: it seems you do realize what you did as I reread your post. I would say use it as a lesson, don't forget it and don't make the same mistakes. If Heart is up for it, make sure she knows you were not trying to compare the two situations and apologize for being so thoughtless with your words.

[This message edited by AML04 at 9:02 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was satisfied that I had done my part to pay for my transgressions today

Herein lies a problem.
The chores get done, because they need to be done, not because of pay back or helping out Heart with what you may consider to be her chores.

Took me me a very long time to get that one, and change my attitude.


ETA: For clarification concerning whose chores.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 10:23 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake:

You're right. I should have been more specific in my original text. I don't consider them to be her chores any more than I consider them to be mine. They are simply the runnings of the house.

The problem of late has lain in the fact that I have elected not to do them in favor of spending time doing activities with Heart under the specific request/knowledge/declaration of Heart that she would take care of them later. The problem I have is when I keep my end of the bargain only to find that the other side isn't also being kept.

I would much rather hear her say, "KB, I need you to spend time with me tonight to help make the bad thoughts/feelings go away," or something similar. That's at least honest and accomplishable, without any kind of promise to fulfill any kind of contractual agreement or obligation. And it reduces expectations on everyone.

[Edited to add final thoughts and last paragraph]

[This message edited by KBeguile at 7:43 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 4

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