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Newest Member: Cje33 (45758)

User Topic: What would you do?
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So FWH works with ow but different shifts. He's on days she's on nights. The didn't talk at work only work functions. Since Dday FWH has taken responsibility and done everything right. Tells me every time they cross paths, he avoids her. Well she will be going to days soon but in a different position. FWH says he will likely see her even less than the crossing paths they do now. I've Been given two options since quitting is not an option right now.

1. He stays on his shift an I worry daily that there is contact.
2. He works 6pm-2am mon-fri. He will never see her but he and I will only see each other for an hour mon-fri an then weekends. We will both feel alone.

We are attempting R but I feel like I'm pulling away as a self defense. I fear both options are going to cause me to pull away completely.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would I do? Tell him job or wife.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5535 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
brkn_heartd
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard to trust when they work together.....I know from experience. My situation they worked the same shift and he had the latitude to visit any time he wanted. He was in IT repair.

I think only you can answer your question. I would ask you, do you think the same shift will hurt or harm your chances of R? The same question as moving shifts? One thing you might consider as a third option, is to try the day shift, if it does not work, then change shifts.

I would imagine it would be hard to get back to days, at least it is in many jobs. So this could be a long term challenge for you.

The reality is as long as they work at the same company contact is possible. You will be challenged with accepting it. However, if he continues to tell you at every contact and you believe he is being truthful, hang on to that.

I know how hard it is....hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I would like to say job or wife that is not realistic! Although I work, It would be a lot on me to be the only income. I think him not working would make me bitter that I can't give my dds the things I want or the experiences because of his actions.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i also would say quit the job.

but if he had to work there--i guess work with her in the daytime and spend time at night going over events of the day.

time to prove the trust is rebuilt is now.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would make me bitter that I can't give my dds the things I want or the experiences because of his actions

What's more important?

Things/experiences or your family and peace of mind?

JMO, I would never opt for continued contact with a job.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I did:

On Dday I told my WH to get another job or I would D his sorry ass. PERIOD. I actually gave him a time frame to secure a new job and told him we were leaving the state whether he got a job or not. It took 6 months for him to find a new job, in a new state, 1600 miles away. His new job was 3 level lower than what he had at the time but that's just one of the consequences of his horrendous decision to cheat on his wife.

Not sure why quitting is not an option but how about finding a new job ~ Is he even trying?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were in your shoes, I'd say find a new job or D, but I'd allow a reasonable amount of time to find the new job.

For the record, you have another option: he stays on days, and you trust him to maintain NC and report when they cross paths.

It's very early to trust him that much, but it is an option.

I really hate the idea of the 2nd shift - if you don't see each other, I know it's really hard to maintain a connection, and I believe it's even harder to rebuild one.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:03 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 8

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