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User Topic: How to respond to rudeness??
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today someone told me in so many words to put down the fork because I don't need the food. I am literally within two lbs of my ideal body weight based on my height, and I am a runner. WTF?? I actually like this person and wasn't sure how to respond. I can tell you it really hurt my feelings. I could have made any number of rude or snippy comebacks, but I really didn't want to because believe it or not this is a friend. How does one respond to such rudeness? I also get off comments on my sense of fashion sometimes. I never know what to say.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 33642
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes people just need to feel relevant. Not everyone can be.

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, triple. That's incredibly rude. I don't know what I would say, but promise you that comment has everything to do with your friend and nothing to do with you.


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40250 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 26531
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy....

I'm not sure I could've held my tongue and not said something rude back... But then again, I have a pretty mean stare too.

If this is truly a friend... I would go and have a conversation with them and ask why they would've said something so rude and off-putting.

Also, if it were me... I'd be putting some distance between myself and that person.

Me: BSO - 49
Him: FWSO - 72
DS - 16
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 26016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also consider some distance between you and this person. Sometimes "friendships" outlive themselves - you don't deserve "friends" like that. Even if you WERE overweight, and the friend had concern, there are far more productive ways to bring up the conversation, and then drop it promptly. They are not you. I'm sure they are an unhappy person on some level - rude people usually are.

Me: BW-46
Him: XWH-46

Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

Posts: 5292 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever people make comments to me, I usually make a joke out of it, thank them, or say, "I'm taking that as a compliment!" (That last one is my favorite and my go-to.) (Also, I am a bit eccentric, especially at my stuffy job, so I'm no stranger to receiving comments that some may take as rude.)

I no longer remember percentages, but a really high percent (like 40%) of our happiness is based on how we react. You can get offended, make a snarky remark, and make people walk on eggshells around you, or you can take a step back and not let it bother you. (I'm not talking about romantic or other deep relationships, but more superficial ones, like this one sounds to be, or like the ones with my coworkers are.)

I always assume good intentions unless there is reason to believe otherwise. Given how you described yourself, I doubt this person was serious. If you were overweight, then I'd agree that it's really rude.

Since you are thin, my guess is this person is a bit socially awkward and made a (bad) joke. I am very athletic, in great shape, and eat about 3 times more than you'd expect for someone my size. People always remark on it, and I'll just joke about winning eating competitions, picking up a second job to pay my grocery bill, or saying that's why I run so much -- my cookie addiction, etc.

If someone makes a comment about your clothes, respond, "Thanks; I love these pants!" or "Isn't it so pretty? Thanks for the compliment!"

I'm sure there are people who will disagree with me (there are already above me!) but I feel that life is way too short to let people like that get you down, and deflecting usually does the job.

Now, if it's a really rude comment, I'd look at them and say, "Why would you say that?" but I've only ever had to use that with XMIL!!!

ETA: To make it clear that I receive and don't give odd comments to people.

[This message edited by phmh at 10:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also wonder if this person has body image issues... perhaps their mother or father used to tell them the same thing

either way, its not acceptable, and I would respond pretty much by saying, "wow, that was hurtful. why did you say that"

in response to people making fun of your style, I would smile and say, "Oh, I love these pants. Isn't it great that we all have different tastes, the world would be boring if we all were the same!"

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because it was a friend, I would have replied "and FU too!" I feel like I can be honest with my friends and if they say something hurtful then I will let them know. If it was a mere acquaintance then I probably would have held my tongue. But then I do not hold back and I am not know for being subtle...

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ 26584
Member # 26584
Cool  Posted: 11:41 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well there are several places I would have liked to stab her with said fork. Actions speak louder than words. I tend to be a little violent and spur of the moment in my reactions, only sometimes tho.

Really in that type of sitch, my rule of thumb is a fierce look and silence.

Me former Booger Bear ...
Hand Me Down MatchBox 20
Love Falls by HellYeah

Posts: 19914 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Where's the fucking rainbow ???
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've used this on XWH a couple of times:

I chuckle then say, "Oh that's so cute! You actually think I care about your opinion!"

Me - 45
DD(24), DS(21, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

Posts: 9972 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here and There
♀ 29142
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's when you look at them, smile, and take the biggest bite you can.

Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We preach about honesty here in our marriages, why not with our friends. Why not just say that you find that comment about the fork to be hurtful. Same goes with the fashion if you like you sense of fashion. However with the fashion you could always start by trying to understand what specifically they are talking about. Could it be a case of something looking good for inside places but the outdoor lighting difference makes it a mismatch? Trying to find that line if they are trying to be helpful, hurtful or just teasing can be the toughest thing.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned that people who make comments are just projecting themselves outward onto who they are commenting about.

Being rude is about the person that is being rude, not who they are being rude too.

I have started to say things like "i am sorry you feel that way" and move on.

I actually did this to my step-grandmother over christmas. I now have a wacked out thyroid and put on almost 15 pounds in about a month and a half.

She push on my muffin top (i can't afford new jeans right now) and told me I needed to loose some weight. I told her that i am sorry she felt the need to point that out, and walked away.

I know that i am now fatter then I was before, but its more complicated then just getting on a treadmill now. I have only been on meds about 6 weeks, and we have not stabilized my dose yet.

Me: 32 MH
Him: 39 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.
1/26/15 - Started IC for me, DH won't go.

Posts: 2393 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 9596
Member # 9596
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To similar intrusive comments i have replied, "You do know, you don't have to share your opinion about everything, right?"

"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." óBob Marley

Posts: 591 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Caribbean
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could come up with dozens of sarcastic responses, but your friend isn't worth the time or energy. I'm sorry that comment was said to you.

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. In this case, I would have gone with my go-to phrase of "fuck you". Because obviously, we're friends and we're being all real and everything.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 31094
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would have caught me completely off guard...I probably would have said "Excuse me?"

and if the friend repeated it, I would have said "If you're done eating, you can put down your fork. I'm still enjoying my meal, thanks."

Or, the response would have been "Fuck you".

That depends on the time of the month with me.

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 17

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