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How to respond to rudeness??

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Tripletrouble posted 1/2/2014 20:49 PM

Today someone told me in so many words to put down the fork because I don't need the food. I am literally within two lbs of my ideal body weight based on my height, and I am a runner. WTF?? I actually like this person and wasn't sure how to respond. I can tell you it really hurt my feelings. I could have made any number of rude or snippy comebacks, but I really didn't want to because believe it or not this is a friend. How does one respond to such rudeness? I also get off comments on my sense of fashion sometimes. I never know what to say.

NotDefeatedYet posted 1/2/2014 20:53 PM

Sometimes people just need to feel relevant. Not everyone can be.

nowiknow23 posted 1/2/2014 20:53 PM

Wow, triple. That's incredibly rude. I don't know what I would say, but promise you that comment has everything to do with your friend and nothing to do with you.


jrc1963 posted 1/2/2014 20:53 PM

Oh boy....

I'm not sure I could've held my tongue and not said something rude back... But then again, I have a pretty mean stare too.

If this is truly a friend... I would go and have a conversation with them and ask why they would've said something so rude and off-putting.

Also, if it were me... I'd be putting some distance between myself and that person.

persevere posted 1/2/2014 21:08 PM

I would also consider some distance between you and this person. Sometimes "friendships" outlive themselves - you don't deserve "friends" like that. Even if you WERE overweight, and the friend had concern, there are far more productive ways to bring up the conversation, and then drop it promptly. They are not you. I'm sure they are an unhappy person on some level - rude people usually are.

phmh posted 1/2/2014 22:12 PM

Whenever people make comments to me, I usually make a joke out of it, thank them, or say, "I'm taking that as a compliment!" (That last one is my favorite and my go-to.) (Also, I am a bit eccentric, especially at my stuffy job, so I'm no stranger to receiving comments that some may take as rude.)

I no longer remember percentages, but a really high percent (like 40%) of our happiness is based on how we react. You can get offended, make a snarky remark, and make people walk on eggshells around you, or you can take a step back and not let it bother you. (I'm not talking about romantic or other deep relationships, but more superficial ones, like this one sounds to be, or like the ones with my coworkers are.)

I always assume good intentions unless there is reason to believe otherwise. Given how you described yourself, I doubt this person was serious. If you were overweight, then I'd agree that it's really rude.

Since you are thin, my guess is this person is a bit socially awkward and made a (bad) joke. I am very athletic, in great shape, and eat about 3 times more than you'd expect for someone my size. People always remark on it, and I'll just joke about winning eating competitions, picking up a second job to pay my grocery bill, or saying that's why I run so much -- my cookie addiction, etc.

If someone makes a comment about your clothes, respond, "Thanks; I love these pants!" or "Isn't it so pretty? Thanks for the compliment!"

I'm sure there are people who will disagree with me (there are already above me!) but I feel that life is way too short to let people like that get you down, and deflecting usually does the job.

Now, if it's a really rude comment, I'd look at them and say, "Why would you say that?" but I've only ever had to use that with XMIL!!!

ETA: To make it clear that I receive and don't give odd comments to people.

[This message edited by phmh at 10:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 1/2/2014 22:18 PM

I would also wonder if this person has body image issues... perhaps their mother or father used to tell them the same thing

either way, its not acceptable, and I would respond pretty much by saying, "wow, that was hurtful. why did you say that"

in response to people making fun of your style, I would smile and say, "Oh, I love these pants. Isn't it great that we all have different tastes, the world would be boring if we all were the same!"

Dreamboat posted 1/2/2014 23:39 PM

Because it was a friend, I would have replied "and FU too!" I feel like I can be honest with my friends and if they say something hurtful then I will let them know. If it was a mere acquaintance then I probably would have held my tongue. But then I do not hold back and I am not know for being subtle...

Jen posted 1/2/2014 23:41 PM

Well there are several places I would have liked to stab her with said fork. Actions speak louder than words. I tend to be a little violent and spur of the moment in my reactions, only sometimes tho.

Really in that type of sitch, my rule of thumb is a fierce look and silence.

GabyBaby posted 1/3/2014 02:32 AM

I've used this on XWH a couple of times:

I chuckle then say, "Oh that's so cute! You actually think I care about your opinion!"

Junebug0525 posted 1/3/2014 06:50 AM

That's when you look at them, smile, and take the biggest bite you can.

MovingUpward posted 1/3/2014 07:42 AM

We preach about honesty here in our marriages, why not with our friends. Why not just say that you find that comment about the fork to be hurtful. Same goes with the fashion if you like you sense of fashion. However with the fashion you could always start by trying to understand what specifically they are talking about. Could it be a case of something looking good for inside places but the outdoor lighting difference makes it a mismatch? Trying to find that line if they are trying to be helpful, hurtful or just teasing can be the toughest thing.

Undefinabl3 posted 1/3/2014 09:17 AM

I have learned that people who make comments are just projecting themselves outward onto who they are commenting about.

Being rude is about the person that is being rude, not who they are being rude too.

I have started to say things like "i am sorry you feel that way" and move on.

I actually did this to my step-grandmother over christmas. I now have a wacked out thyroid and put on almost 15 pounds in about a month and a half.

She push on my muffin top (i can't afford new jeans right now) and told me I needed to loose some weight. I told her that i am sorry she felt the need to point that out, and walked away.

I know that i am now fatter then I was before, but its more complicated then just getting on a treadmill now. I have only been on meds about 6 weeks, and we have not stabilized my dose yet.

Cabrona posted 1/3/2014 11:47 AM

To similar intrusive comments i have replied, "You do know, you don't have to share your opinion about everything, right?"

simplydevastated posted 1/3/2014 13:15 PM

I could come up with dozens of sarcastic responses, but your friend isn't worth the time or energy. I'm sorry that comment was said to you.

Williesmom posted 1/3/2014 13:23 PM

Wow. In this case, I would have gone with my go-to phrase of "fuck you". Because obviously, we're friends and we're being all real and everything.

itainteasy posted 1/3/2014 13:30 PM

That would have caught me completely off guard...I probably would have said "Excuse me?"

and if the friend repeated it, I would have said "If you're done eating, you can put down your fork. I'm still enjoying my meal, thanks."

Or, the response would have been "Fuck you".

That depends on the time of the month with me.

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