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Can't stand him touching me now!

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Needadrink posted 1/2/2014 21:29 PM

8 Months of R I thought I was doing ok... Good day's bad day's lot's of crying, talking, hugging... Now all of a sudden I can't stand him to be near me, he keeps touching me and kissing the back of my neck and seriously it's making my skin crawl. I can put it down to a couple of things. He is only home for the holidays and returning to his job in a few day's.
I have explained to him that I find it hard to R when we keep having to seperate, it sends me back to square one.
Either I am building a wall so has not to keep getting hurt or I am finally coming to my senses as to what an arsehole he truly is.
I have told him my needs and what he needs to do and one of them is to come to me and talk about what happened without me having to raise the subject.
Yes he is being nicer, kinder, more attentive but he is not doing what I ask of him and I am still getting the pathetic whoa me answers that he is good at.
I actually asked him the other day why he had not made any effort to make love to me since coming home, except of course for the initial first time after not being together for a while. His answer was " well all the books I have read say I shouldn't initiate it " WTF i asked him if he truly expected me to come on to him after everything he has done. Please tell me what you think guys I am so confused at the moment?

Calli0pe posted 1/2/2014 22:00 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I admit to having only read one book on this subject so far, but - if he's following "all the books" by not initiating sex... Why is he still not doing the things you ask? Don't "all the books" have something to say about fulfilling your emotional needs?
Maybe this isn't helpful but it could be the reason you don't want him to touch you physically is that you feel like after 8 months he's still not giving you what you need emotionally to help you heal.

P.s. I need a drink too!

Needadrink posted 1/2/2014 22:27 PM

Yes I think I am probably realising he is just trying too hard to be nice but not really giving me anything at all.... Kind of like he's in his own little world a bit like before D Day

sisoon posted 1/3/2014 11:27 AM

Ex-consultant here, so I approached recovery and the task of deciding what I wanted to do as a project with KPIs (key performance indicators).

One of my biggest concerns was whether my W was enough in love with me to be active sexually, so one of my requirements was that she initiate sex sometimes. Your sitch is a little different, but I can see you setting a similar requirement, with perhaps an aspect of his asking your permission.

I know many BSes want their WSes to bring the A up on their own. I'm an outlier in this - I don't think that's a reasonable desire. I just don't see any WS wanting to talk about the A, and I don't think it's necessary. Besides, I wanted to hear what my W said on my schedule, not hers.

Bottom line, what I wanted was honest answers to all my questions when I asked them. It didn't matter to me who brought the subject up.

Remember, tough - YMMV. This is just my experience.

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