My H and I are both waywards....here is the bullet point summary of how things went down:
-met very young (17), married at 22
-H very mother enmeshed/covert/emotional incest; he always chose to placate his mother's feelings above my own and also allowed her to verbally abuse me for decades; could never, ever set up proper boundaries with her
-Me: left home at 15, absent father, single mother too busy trying to meet men to care about her kids; worked at a massage parlor for 2 years (it was licensed, but there were happy endings)-I worked there while we were still just dating as I was in dire need on stable housing and just had no support from any family in any way
-found H using porn a few too many times....dismissed it as "all men use porn"
-after 10 years of feeling like H was not emotionally investing in our marriage and him always putting her first, I started to detach from him emotionally.
-I met a man at my work (I was a personal trainer), and started what seemed like an innocent friendship for a few months. I have to admit that I did crave verbal validation from men throughout our entire marriage that I was attractive to feel better about myself...what a pathetic weakness it was. One night I went out with the man from work, as well as my friend, to a bar and I wound up having a drunk ONS. Needless to say, the fog lifted during the act...I dissociated during the act, quit my job within the week, shut down my facebook account and literally disappeared to all casual acquaintances. I knew I would never stoop so low again. I never told H, and I reinvested all of my energy into our marriage once again.
-In June 2013, my son found some pics that he said were "bad" on his tablet. He was 11. He brought the tablet to me, and my heart sank immediately. I knew exactly what those pics were of. I checked the watermark on those pics, and sure enough, they were pictures of prostitutes from a local website. I freaked the heck out and demanded a polygraph. I needed to know. He denied that he had ever cheated and that they were just pics he didn't even know he had downloaded because he was just just clicking pics on google image search randomly before getting to his porn (which he was embarrassed to admit).
-sure enough, the pics were downloaded during a business trip he was on in May 2013, where he was in a hotel room for 3 weeks just starting up a new job
-I made him take that poly, and he failed miserably. He then admitted to a ONS with a prostitute 7 years ago (the same time period I had emotionally vacated our relationship), he also admitted to going to a massage parlor during our first year of marriage as he wanted to see what I "was doing" when I worked there while we were dating. he kept his boxers on and nothing happened. He thought that because the incident had happened so long ago, that the poly would not "catch" him...he was wrong.
-I made him take 2 more polygraphs to confirm that a) he was only with 1 hooker a single time b) has had no sexual contact with anyone else ever, or since c) that he wore a condom d) that he hadn't been looking for agencies (therefore the pics were a random occurrence)
He did pass both of those polygraphs
Here is my issue....I keep thinking that what he did was waaaaayyyyyy worse than what I did because he was essentially neglecting me our entire marriage for his mother, which led to me emotionally separating from him 7 years ago leading to my affair (which I now know is inexcusable, and 100% my choice showing poor character). My emotional separation from him entailed me sexually rejecting him, and not spending time with him as I was focused about my new job and in a sense, having a midlife crisis of sorts, soaking in all of that "validation" and attention from men at the gym. He says he felt like shit for a year, and went to a prostitute to feel wanted or needed and not rejected.
He did not end up even "finishing" (neither did I for that matter). I hate that he was a "man on a mission" to cheat, and went looking for it and paid for it out of our own bank accounts. He fucked her in a seedy motel room on his lunch hour.
Why do I still look at him "buying vagina" as being worse than what I did? I cannot seem to get over his infidelity...it is not a ONS to me as I view it more as a "pay rape" scenario as she would not have fucked him unless he paid her. It disgusts me and sickens me. ESPECIALLY since I worked in that industry to a degree, and he saw how it screwed with my head with regards to trusting and respecting men in general, and the damage to my own self-worth (it also cycled through the child abuse I suffered when I was 5 years old...in retrospect, it was such a dark, sad situation for me to be in). It was the WORST thing he could have done to hurt me...
Give it to me straight....how unfair am I being?
BTW, I made him see a CSAT as I wondered about sexual addiction due to the porn issues, but doesn't fit the criteria. I am still scared he will do it again, as there are 12,000 hookers in my area alone....the only criteria that needed to be met was that she was reasonably attractive, had a hole and was willing to let him fuck her for a couple of hundred bucks. This freaks me out. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD.
If anyone has read this far I thank you. I just need some seriously unbiased opinions....
It just makes me so sad to think of what we could have been if I was his priority, as a wife should be, all along :(