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When to stop bringing up affair

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Emptynester3 posted 1/3/2014 01:23 AM

We are 15 months past D-day. The first year was hell. Husband has finally written a timeline, OW finally got a new job and is no longer working for him, and now I don't really have a reason to bring up the "affair " subject anymore...or do I?

A few weeks after her last day working for my husband I asked him if he has seen or heard anything from her and he simply replied "no". He seemed very bothered, annoyed in fact by the question. Ever since then, I hesitate to bring anything up affair related. I think he feels that since she is out of the picture and he has done what I asked, (timeline) that we shouldn't have the need to keep bringing it up anymore. We have never discussed the timeline.

New Year's Eve, we were in a restaurant with friends and OW's ex-husband walked in drunk and loud with a group of people. He, I think, was responsible for the anonymous letter that I received 15 months ago informing me about my husbands affair. My husband said that he had seen OW's car and his car at office after hours when they were still married and was suspicious . He had lost like 100 pounds and seemed really happy now and I am miserable. Needless to say, I triggered badly, we went home before midnight and I think I was brushing my teeth when the ball dropped at midnight. My husband must have known that I was upset, but didn't say anything. I had every intention of discussing it with him, but didn't want to do it on New Year's Eve. Well.. 3 days have gone by and I still haven't talked to him about it. Why is it so hard to talk to him now? How I wish , for once , that he would ask me if I want to talk about anything! Sorry...I'm rambling! Any thoughts? At some point, do you just keep things to yourself and just go on?

karmahappens posted 1/3/2014 01:32 AM


If your husband gives you the impression that you are not supposed to talk about the affair then he doesn't get it.

I am over 6 years out and if I wanted to bring it up right now I would.

You talk about it when you want to, when you need to and until you are done.

His job? Open up, answer all questions, NEVER sigh, roll eyes or act as though YOU are imposing or being irrational or unjust.

Some people can talk about it for a bit and be done, others , like me , are on the 5 year plan and things come up, so they talk.

Unless he actively assists you in getting through this you won't ever get through it, IMO. You can do it alone and in silence, but what kind of R is that? Where is his remorse? Where is his need to take away your pain? Where is his pain for seeing what he has caused you to go through?

His reaction is about him, healing from the A is about you first, then him and the marriage. He caused this he needs to step up and do his part in helping you heal.


RidingHealingRd posted 1/3/2014 02:04 AM

At some point, do you just keep things to yourself and just go on?

Absolutely not. Your questions, concerns, fears, will not go away just because you suppress them. Addressing all the issues will enable you to process what has happened.

There appears to be a whole lot of rug sweeping going on ~ this is not a good thing. Do not allow your H "annoyed response" to silence you. He owes you:
-his undivided attention
-whatever it takes to help you heal from the nightmare that his decisions and actions brought into your world.

I am 4 years out and I still bring it up, certainly not that often now.

There are a number of WS who will not bring up their A, mine included, so I would not get too discouraged that he does not ask you if you want to talk about it. However, when you bring it up he must be willing to address it ~ and do so without getting annoyed.

Has he read the book, How to help your spouse heal from your affair?

inshockandhurt posted 1/3/2014 02:16 AM

The simple answer to your question is that you stop bringing it up when you stop feeling the need to do so, and if he is not helping you to feel safe in bringing it up, he is not allowing you to properly heal and he is not doing his job in working to reconcile. If you guys are in MC, call him on it during your sessions, if you are not in MC, get there and work on it. Hugs and Good Luck.

MammaMia posted 1/3/2014 02:25 AM

Only YOU WILL know when enough is enough. There comes a time when you know...every person is different. Some stop bringing it up soon after dday and others ( like me) still occasionally bring it up years later esp. when something triggers them.

There will also come a time when you will figure out that regardless of how much you ask or bring it up, there will be no more information given by the WS. I am not saying this is the right thing for the WS to do, but betrayed spouses do sense that there will be no more details or answers given to them. Sad but true.

sisoon posted 1/3/2014 11:13 AM

In this, I want to be like karma in 3 years.

There are no external indicators of when to stop asking. The indicators are all internal - if you want to ask, ask.

At 15 months I had just started to censor my questions. I started to ask myself why a question popped up. Often I needed something different than an answer. For example, sometimes I was angry, and the Q was aimed at making my W feel bad. Sometimes I was feeling sorry for myself. In those cases, I didn't ask - I told my W I was angry, or I nurtured myself, or I asked my W to hug or hold me, etc.. But sometimes I wanted info, and I asked for it.

My questioning went way down in years 2 & 3 - but now I'm asking more questions again. Go figure.

If your H isn't willing to answer Qs, my guess is that he's dodging responsibility - the answers would force him to face what he did, and he still doesn't want to do that.

In any case, if you're in IC, I urge you to work on doing what you need to do to feel entitled to the answers. If you're in MC, I suggest you use some sessions to get your H to provide answers and support.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

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