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Dealing with triggers

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rachelc posted 1/3/2014 06:59 AM

This was the topic at MC last night. We are to pray for each other and with each other when we trigger. Does this work?

We also need to come up with something our spouse could do that would help when we trigger. I can think of nothing -maayyybbeee, "put your head on a guillotine" but that wouldn't be helpful
Him holding me or telling me he loves me would just irritate me.

we talked a little of letting go. So many therapists and books talk about acceptance, letting go, and how harmful anger is but they never say HOW to get rid of it. There's no snapping of the fingers here and a decision just to let go.

We also spoke of grace, and then I read something on facebook about if the message in the marriage is you. owe. me. then there is no grace and the marriage is doomed. I'm just not that big of a person to have this grace. MC thinks I am. Although I have made progress, I still hate him and love him at the same time.

AFrayedKnot posted 1/3/2014 07:55 AM

I have never been a prayer. I am non religious but consider myself pretty spiritual.

A few months after Dday we were reading a relationship building book. There was a line in it that I couldn't get out of my head. "Couples that pray together, stay together"

We started praying together every morning over coffee. It was really weird and awkward but got more comfortable over time.

We have gone through periods of doing every day and then not doing it for weeks on end. Looking back I can clearly see a pattern in me struggling more when we are not praying and having much more peace and hope when we are. Coincidence????

rachelc posted 1/3/2014 08:02 AM

good to know, Chico, good to know.

Justgreatnews posted 1/3/2014 08:07 AM

If only couples would begin marriages this way, many problems could be avoided.

My spouse and I were both raised going to church, but fell away at the start of the marriage. Problems followed.

Part of the process of restoring the marriage involved a return to church....

Regret is so profound. Hindsight so clear. Sigh.

sisoon posted 1/3/2014 08:30 AM

We ... need to come up with something our spouse could do that would help when we trigger.

Being together with maybe a gentle touch from my W usually works for me, but sometimes being left alone is what really helps. My W tends to want to be left alone when she triggers. If you need something like that, so be it - that's something your H can do for you.

It sort of makes sense - so often we see someone in pain, we get uncomfortable, and we want the other person to stop feeling pain so we can feel better. Letting someone work through his/her own pain is a valuable gift.

And sometimes being alone is the best medicine.

You're a neat person, rache.

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