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sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 10:44 AM

Merry Christmas to me right??

I am so lost right now not really sure what Im feeling it changes by the second. I am 33 and I have been with my husband for almost 15 years. We were the couple everyone envied and I would hear it all the time from everyone. We were best friends just had our first daughter. We waited to have a child because we traveled the world together.

We have both had really good jobs but in August I quit my job to open a business. This was very hard on us. The demand of a 1 year old and a new business took its toll on our relationship. I feel very selfish for doing this to us. We went from having no credit card debt and 50k in the bank to mounting debt and almost nothing in savings. I am still trying to build my business so my time and mind have been so pre-occupied I will admit my husband was last on the list. He is still holding down his work from home sales job while pretty much raising my daughter while Im at work. Some nights she was in bed by the time I got home and I would just cry and cry. He would comfort me and be supportive in the beginning but things got worse as time progressed. He would tell me things like you chose this, you wanted this when I would cry to him. We were fighting a lot and sex was non-exsistent. We went away for the weekend right before our grand opening and had an amazing time and I thought things were turning around.

Our December schedule was so crazy and I felt we were losing connection again. He was traveling for work most of the month and I was so busy with the business, but on his birthday I threw him a surprise birthday party with all his friends and family and things were looking up again from then on until Christmas day.

Christmas day while my family as at my house and my 1 year old daughter was opening her presents I was on his work phone looking at pictures from the night before and decided to check his text. I saw a text on his birthday to an unsaved number saying " I guess you have been pretty busy lately". He noticed I was on his phone and said oh let me see it, left the room and came back. I asked for the phone again saying oh I didn't get a chance to send the picture I wanted so he handed it back to me and the text was deleted.

I didn't say anything until my family left and he was like oh its nothing it was for work and I needed something from this chick and she didn't send it to me. I knew by him deleting the text something wasn't right. He said he deleted it because I was insecure and he deletes any text calls from any female co-workers. The only reason he said that is because I caught him emailing an old co-worker asking her how she has been which I didn't think was a big deal because he said she was an older lady he worked with. Well I looked her up on facebook and she was gorgeous! So then I will admit I did get insecure. I didn't understand why he was reaching out to her but I did let that go. So we went back and forth about this text and I did kind of let it go but I knew something wasn't right. The next day the look of guilt on his face totally made me worry so I finally confronted him again and he admitted to talking her more than he should and that the conversation were inappropriate at times. Then he shut down on me for 24 hours. All he would say is Im sorry Im sorry. I tried to talk to him and he just stared off into space and would apologize. I asked to see the phone records and he refused to show them to me. I told him I need the records or he had to move out and he started packing his bag. I decided I would leave for the night so I did. I went out with my friends and came home about 2am.

He broke down when I got home opened up and told me that he had been talking her pretty frequently for 5 months and they would talk about sexual things and even gave me examples of things they would say to each other. He insist it was never physical but I just believe you could talk to someone for so long and it never went there. He admitted they both wanted to and would talk about it. This hurt me but I felt so lonely by him shutting me out early I was just so happy he was talking to me about it. He cried to me and told me he messed up and wants his family and wants me. He seemed so remorseful I felt bad for him, dumb I know. I ended up having sex with him that 2nd night after I found out and then I was so upset with myself for doing that.

I text the girl he was talking to and she denies everything and he told me she is trying to protect herself because she is married with kids. I just don't know what to believe or what to think. He is still home and I will have days where Im ok and then days like today where I am so angry he did this to us. He of course tells me that he didnt care about her, but of course he did because why would he continue to talk to her. I feel like I don't know who this person is that I am married to.

[This message edited by sparkle09 at 10:54 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

naivegirl posted 1/3/2014 11:03 AM

So sorry. It is hard to find out during the holidays. This is when I started to supsect things way back in 2006. Take care of yourself. You don't have to decide anything right away. You may find out more as time goes on. I know my husband only told me a little at a time. I think it is possible that he didn't really care for her. My husband really just needed the attention.Mavbe it was just an ego boost for your husband. Despite how busy you were this is not your fault. He chose to seek attention elsewhere even though he made a vow to you. I just wanted you to know that the pain you feel right now will get better over time. If you do chose to recincile it can be done if he is willing to put in the work. Not Just Friends is a really great book. It helped us both so much.

bobf posted 1/3/2014 11:13 AM

My wife did not tell me everything initially. She said she was afraid I would leave her and she was also trying to preserve some semblance of her image of herself.

I wish I had sat her down on the day after the initial admission and told her to tell me everything right now or I "walk". By walk I mean leave till she could tell me the whole truth, not necessarily file for D. In my case, my wife's affair was cyber and I am technically competent enough to figure out what she had done. It took me two weeks to undelete her accounts and get the chance to go though her iPad and our home computer so I figured everything out. I just wish she had told me it all from the start.

Lack of initial honestly has harmed trust in her probably permanently but she is really remorseful and open now so maybe it can be completely repaired.

I do not know if you want to issue the type of ultimatum I wish I had delivered, but it is something to think about.

[This message edited by bobf at 11:22 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

painpaingoaway posted 1/3/2014 11:21 AM

I'm so sorry sparkle. What a horrible thing to find out, especially on Christmas.

You had sex with him. Please, no more unprotected sex until you both test clear. And the HIV testing will need to be repeated 3 times. Him not getting tested is a deal breaker. You must be adamant about this.

You must proceed as if they did have sex, because, unfortunately, chances are great that they did. I'm so sorry.

Stay strong sweetie.


sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 11:24 AM

Naivegirl- I know its hard not to blame myself though. He tried to reach out to me to talk to me and I was so pre-occupied with work that I ignored him. I can remember times where he tried to talk to me and I wasnt paying attention and I would ask him what and he would just say never mind. He told me she boosted his ego and he liked it. He told me she opened it up by saying she had a dream they had sex and he knew then and there he could talk to her any way and she would be willing. He is very good looking and Im not just saying that because he is my husband. I struggle because I gained weight and he is still fit and I feel like Im not hot enough for him. This chick was so ugly and older I just dont get it. I will get that book for sure. He is reading the love dare and said he will do anything to help me get through this.

Bobf- Ive dont that and he still says it did not get physical. He says he doesnt want to show me the phone records because it will just hurt me more to see if in black and white. I just dont know.

sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 11:27 AM

painpaingoaway- I dont know why I have had sex with him everyday since that second day but always protected, we do that anyway for birth control methods. I cant take birth control. I feel like he did sleep with her the guilt he has is far greater than a man who just had an emotional affair in my opinion. I think I do it because I want to feel wanted by him, I dont know. I just feel so lost and weak.

Lalagirl posted 1/3/2014 11:45 AM


You can claim responsibility for some issues in your M, but the A is 100% on him. Period. You're going through tough times too and you did not seek solace with another man.

Telling the OW's spouse will also ensure that this A is brought into full light (As thrive in secrecy) - it's not fair that her H doesn't know what his WW is up to.

The sex thing is hysterical bonding - very common - don't beat yourself up over that.

So sorry you are here, but welcome to SI.


sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 12:57 PM

Lalagirl- I havent gone to her husband because I have no proof its her work agains his. He talked to her on his work phone and I have asked him to get me the phone records over and over and he refuses. He says he cant because he has to go through his hr and he is scared it will raise red flags. I feel like we can not move forward without me seeing that information and he cannot understand why I need to see it if he already told me. I feel like he is still hiding something.

momentintime posted 1/3/2014 13:10 PM

If he wants to save his M he will produce the phone records. He doesn't get a choice here. You decide what you need to know. Saying he doesn't want to hurt you is an excuse. It means he doesn't want to show you how far down the rabbit hole he went. If you want that info he should provide it, no quibbling, that is to save himself, not help you move forward.

Take2 posted 1/3/2014 13:25 PM

In the healing library BS FAQ #10. Hysterical Bonding.

SeanFLA posted 1/3/2014 13:29 PM

He is hiding something. Doesn't necessarily mean a PA. Could just be that he's trying to hide the embarrassment from the hurt he's caused you. Odds are yes he did it for the ego high as things at home are not all that great. I'm sure he's been frustrated with the hardships of your business and your emotional outbursts regarding it. Also the dynamics of your relationship and marriage have changed tremendously with the birth of your child. Prior to that both of you were free, had money and traveled at will. Life was great! When you add a new baby to the mix for some spouses it can be like a frying pan to the face. Suddenly this new little person pretty much runs the household. Everything you once knew comes to a screeching halt. Trips abroad are now replaced with trips to the pediatrician and Babys-R-Us. Life gets very routine, very real and frankly boring sometimes staring at a baby all day. It's not so uncommon.

Maybe it's time for you to talk to him and reconsider this new business you have ventured into. It doesn't sound like you are all that happy with it either. Possibly get your old job back or a similar one? I'm not saying to rugsweep his actions (or lack of providing phone records), but it might be a great time to re-evaluate your current lifestyle and make some changes. Find out what it is he would like. The texting could just be a symptom of all this change. A good MC might be the answer.

sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 16:02 PM

momentintime- I feel the same way so I have asked him to leave. I cant take the not knowing. How can we rebuild something when he cant lay all the cards on the table. He keeps saying he is protecting me and it makes me so angry.

SeanFLA- I agree its a wake up call I need to change things up but him not showing me the records is a deal breaker.

sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 19:15 PM

So he just admitted it's been going on over 2 years and he would take her to hourly motels on her lunch. I talked to her and she said she tried to stop it and he kept coming back.

openedupmyeyes posted 1/3/2014 19:24 PM

Now you have all the info you need. Take care of you. There's more. Be prepared. So sorry that you are here. But this is a good place to be. Hugs....

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 7:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

sparkle09 posted 1/3/2014 19:58 PM

I'm in shock this is not the person I married. I don't know who this person is. He is leaving tonight and I am consulting an attorney in the morning. I feel like I have no choice.

painpaingoaway posted 1/3/2014 22:49 PM

I'm so sorry hon, but at least now you the truth.

Get tested for STDs anyway. Even though you have used condoms, you can rest assured he did not with her, they never do. He could have still exposed you to disease, especially if you have given him oral.

I'm so sorry.


lollipopmom posted 1/4/2014 00:49 AM

So sorry! I am going through same stuff of the TT with my WS. More and more was revealed and to be honest I feel like him holding back makes me unsure if I can ever have a decent shot at R. Good thoughts for you and your daughter....

keptmyword posted 1/4/2014 01:26 AM

I'm in shock this is not the person I married. I don't know who this person is.

I have found that you never really know someone no matter how long you have known them.

My XWW was someone who was brought up in a stable, loving home by parents who have been married for forty years. I was attracted to her because she seemed so genuine, compassionate, down-to-Earth, and believed in family.

She inexplicably became the most dishonest, sinister, deceitful, lying, backstabbing, adulterous piece of cowardly shit I honestly have ever known. I don't say this out of spite, scorn, anger, or exaggeration. It is simply the stunning truth. Her parents are still stunned by what she has done.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Be prepared to discover many more lies and deceptions. Lies and deceptions you would not imagine would come from the person who vowed to protect your family, your life, and your trust.

Get tested as the others say. No, they absolutely never use protection - for anything. The notion of using a condom is introducing far too much reality into their bullshit fantasy world and much more of a dopamine rush to take the adventurous risk of not using one.

sparkle09 posted 1/4/2014 02:24 AM

He admitted to not using protection. We have been married 5 years and he's cheated almost 3! I had no clue I was seriously blindsided by all of this. He was smart about it for a long time but the truth is out now. Is there hope for us? I have 16 month old. I'm heart broken and lost.

SeanFLA posted 1/4/2014 03:14 AM

Just be peparred that he will begin to blameshift why he did all this on you. It's generally their next step. Whereas some minor things might be true (like you were ignoring me a few times), most of it will be made up. You need to call him out on it when he does. Don't accept it. It's their way of trying to lesson what they did. Also expect him to rewrite your marriage history. That your relationship was terrible from the beginning and has been doomed for many years (even pre baby). Again it's how they blameshift. If you read enough on this board you will begin to see trends they all share. Use this site to your advantage and to keep your head on straight during all this discovery.

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