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lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 14:20 PM

So...STBXH and I are stuck living in this special hell known as in-house-separation and it sucks. It is a super-sucky cesspool of misery and deception and anger and vomit-inducing fake-Disney-Dad crapola.

And I am not healing, because I am stuck seeing the asshat whenever he randomly decides to pop in and pretend like he's some version of himself that isn't a shithead who just sleeps here when the friend he is staying with needs a break from his sorry ass.

I have absolutely no positive feelings towards this person anymore. None...Nada.

Only, apparently my pastor and the church are watching our behavior during this divorce and they are "disappointed."

In fact, this is what was written to both of us:
"I want you both to know that we are paying close attention to the process of this divorce. lisaloo, having biblical grounds for D does not exempt you from facing church discipline for your actions in the D. Asshat, already knowing you may face discipline does not mean your actions from the D may not cause any discipline to be more severe. We encouraged both of you to seek reconciliation as brother/sister in Christ. This goes beyond the relationship as husband and showing honor and respect to one another. The advice we have given is first to glorify God, and also to forgive one another by applying the gospel to this situation. I don't see this happening. This is a personal admonishment from me to both of you...please consider how you are treating one another."

And while I know that this is so VERY true (from the perspective of my faith), I want to be like, seriously?? I need to CONSIDER how I am treating him?? Did he consider me or DD when he was screwing around and destroying this marriage? I feel like I did what I was supposed to do...I forgave and tried and all that crap...WHY ON EARTH DO I HAVE TO KEEP DEALING WITH THIS NARCISSISTIC JERK?

And on a childish level...I dont WANT to be nice to him.

So...after getting that email, STBXH sends me this:
"I wanted to apologize to you. I should have wished you a Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, and Happy New Year. It was childish of me not to do so. We have a lot of history together no matter what is going on now. So, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, and Happy New year even though it is late."


I haven't replied. I feel like I am being guilted into being all nicey-nicey with the asshat.

And (stomping my petulant foot) I dont WANT to be nice.

Vent over...

PurpleRose posted 1/3/2014 14:32 PM

I am at a loss for words...

What kind of church do you belong to???

lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 14:39 PM

LOL!! I think that at this point it might be best if I not mention the denomination But seriously, it's really a wonderful church...and up to this point everyone has been so supportive and encouraging and helpful...I get that there is a lot of ANGER and RUDENESS going on in our house...but I kind of feel like saying, "Since you have never been in this situation, I can see how, perhaps, it might look as though I am being very ungodly...but I can promise you, the amount of restraint I AM exercising is definitely otherworldly."

nowiknow23 posted 1/3/2014 14:48 PM

I have a hard time understanding the email that was sent to you. Your church is chewing you both out for not being nice to each other while divorcing?


Have you two been screaming at each other during services? Putting paid notices in the church bulletin calling each other names?

I just don't get it. Truly. What business is it of theirs? What kind of discipline are they threatening? So confused.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/3/2014 14:49 PM

I'm wondering how your 'church' knows what's going on inside your home?

lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 14:54 PM

Church discipline has to do with our church membership vows...basically they would take away the ability to participate in one of the sacraments (like communion) or something of that can be so extreme as to have someone removed from the church, but, honestly, that's HIGHLY unlikely, since churches aren't really known for being unforgiving....

just me

And honestly, I dont really know WHAT they are talking about...we had one fight in front of DD the other day (when I found out the asshat had been discussing custody with DD for a month), but I am just trying to pretend STBXH is invisible when he is can see how that might be considered completely rude since I have a tendency to keep walking by even if he is talking ...I think that most of it was aimed at STBXH, but...who knows.

Nature_Girl posted 1/3/2014 14:55 PM

Take2 posted 1/3/2014 14:55 PM

... and what pray tell "actions during the D" are they reprimanding you for? Not that you have to answer that.

Guess I'm wondering if you are sharing with a church member, and stuff is getting round, rather than being kept private...? Maybe someone not so safe to talk to, vent to, and not keeping your confidence?

I wonder if much of that was directed at someone's excursion with DD recently? Somehow I don't think they were sending a reprimand because he didn't wish you Happy Birthday....

Taking the high road is a good thing. And thankfully we have SI as a safe place to petulantly stomp our feet, when we are about to burst, as we try to keep to the high road as best we can (though once in a while you just want to turn over a table or two!).


[This message edited by Take2 at 2:58 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

caregiver9000 posted 1/3/2014 14:58 PM

Ok, I can sorta (vaguely, so vaguely as to be nearly invisible) see that since in the eyes of the church you are still a married couple and they addressed you (plural) as a married couple. Even singling you out so as to be able to single him out, you were reminded to behave, not called out for anything specific that you have done.

And I would SHRUG THIS OFF as this man basically just returned from kidnapping your DD without shoes and medicine. Because you know, a trifecta of happy this and that wishes will make it all BETTER!

Carry on. I wonder if SBB's pond and no fish comment works for this situation?

Let go of that guilt. If you can treat him with polite detachment then I say you are golden.

I cannot accept any advice that implies I need to lay down my boundaries and self respect. If that advice is just reminding me that the billboard idea is not a really "great" idea, then ok. I might not like it, but ok. It is a rationally reasonable opinion that I should keep my rants anonymous and on this board where they can be understood and appreciated. The church bulletin? not so much.

lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 15:07 PM

Taking the high road is a good thing. And thankfully we have SI as a safe place to petulantly stomp our feet, when we are about to burst, as we try to keep to the high road as best we can

Oh...have mercy YES!! I am routinely thankful for SI!

If you can treat him with polite detachment then I say you are golden.'s the "polite" part of that I am struggling with

[This message edited by lisaloo at 3:08 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

ItHappened2Me2 posted 1/3/2014 15:23 PM

OMG - he apologized for not telling you Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or Happy New Year -- but not a word about kidnapping your daughter or being a douche and discussing custody with your young daughter???

What a jerk.

I, too, question how your church knows whether you are showing "polite" detachment or not.

I get that divorce is against the teachings of the church -- but you also received permission because of the adultery, correct? So they are aware of his affairs and want to call you on the carpet?

Perhaps, as has been previously said, they wanted to mention you (with no specifics) to even out the reprimand with what they were saying to him?

devistatedmom posted 1/3/2014 15:24 PM's the "polite" part of that I am struggling with

Ummm...this man put through an adoption of your DD without you knowing he was doing it, then had an affair, and took off with your DD for days on end, and has threatened to take your DD away from you for good.

I think not punching him every time you pass him in the hall *is* being polite.

You know what? Since your church's opinion is important to you, I would sit down with whomever wrote that letter and ask them to explain what they would discipline you for. Listen to what they say, and if there are specific things that you "have done" I would calmly explain your actions.

You are not in a normal divorce, where both people just decided it was over. You are divorcing a sick SOB who has made threats and cannot be trusted. Your church must be made to understand that.

lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 15:29 PM

I think not punching him every time you pass him in the hall *is* being polite.


I'm tempted to be all passive-aggressive with STBXH and reply to his "trifecta of happy this and that wishes" with a nice, simple, "thank you for your well wishes."

caregiver9000 posted 1/3/2014 15:55 PM

I don't think that is passive aggressive. I also don't think you have to thank him. You prevent him acting petulantly with the whole "see? lisaloo is sooooooo mean to me" bit.

I have found that polite detachment drives ex crazy, so that makes it really easy for me. Angry he understands, snippy makes him feel justified and gives him something to talk and complain about. Polite disinterest?? he is lost and confused.

debbysbaby posted 1/3/2014 16:22 PM

Oh dear lord. How in the world do church members know how you are behaving towards one another? And I'm calling you on the carpet for this via email? I really have questions about this entire churches modus operandi. I frankly think it's not much of their business unless you're standing up in the sanctuary screaming at one another or keying each other's cars in the church parking lot.

I probably should shut up now because I doubt I would have much nice to say about your church and I don't want to insult someone's faith.

Holly-Isis posted 1/3/2014 16:31 PM

Ok. This is creepy. It is NOT a wonderful church if they are micromanaging you like this. These issues you've shared here are between you and God. He is the only one you have to answer to. On the seat of judgement, there will not be a single church member sitting next to you.

lisaloo posted 1/3/2014 16:35 PM

I probably should shut up now because I doubt I would have much nice to say about your church and I don't want to insult someone's faith.

No worries there!! A church is just a building full of people and insulting that building or it's management style isn't insulting my faith is inside me and exists independently of anything and everything else

gypsybird87 posted 1/3/2014 17:00 PM

Lisaloo, I'm so sorry. As though you don't have enough to deal with, you are being asked to cater to that crap.

Church and church-related folk butting in seems to be a problem for both of us, in different ways. Thanks for your hugs of support, and here are some back:


You have nothing to be ashamed of either, or apologize for. And you seriously should be sainted for the amount of civility and restraint you are showing. My in-house lasted 8 days, and every moment was pure hell. I don't know how you have managed so long.

You are one tough cookie!

SBB posted 1/3/2014 17:40 PM

Do they know he kidnapped your DD.

I am not a person of faith so I struggle with this on so many levels.

Taking the church bit out I'm trying to imagine this coming from a trusted friend.

They see ugliness and see what it is doing to me and DD. They know it is a horrific situation and they are trying to be helpful by doing a sort of intervention (via email, really????).

I'd be telling them that I AM trying to keep out of it but that there is only so much goading a person can take before it his the mark. I'd be asking them for help with how to deal with someone who is flat out trying to destroy me emotionally.

Turn the other cheek doesn't work when they are punching you all over.

If STBX changes his attitude from this then great. Keep making him invisible. Being civil does not mean you are friends or even friendly. It means you don't engage in fights with him. At.All.

You walk away and ice him out completely.

It will do wonders for your emotional state.

I you had a decent Christian on your hands you wouldn't be here in the first place. He is not even a decent man or even a decent human being.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/3/2014 18:36 PM

I am thinking he is the root of this. He is smearing you to the church and thy are buying it or covering their butts. Hence the phony I am sorry I forgot to wish you a Merry Christmas BS.

Don't mind me...I can be cynical.

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