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Missing my best friend

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stroppy_wanadoo posted 1/3/2014 14:48 PM

She passed away in August at age 40 after losing her battle to breast cancer.

I miss her terribly right now.

I went through a long period after her death where I was angry - at cancer, at her husband (still am, to be honest), at our mutual friends, at myself (for not being able to help) and even at her (for being too tough to let us know how much she was suffering at the end, and refusing help - like letting me grocery shop for her). Now, I am just empty and sad.

I don't want to start a new year without her.

There is no replacing the pal who was my best friend and pseudo sister for 20 years.

authenticnow posted 1/3/2014 14:51 PM

(((Stroppy)))

I'm sorry. That is a huge loss. I have no words of comfort, I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that you've been heard.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/3/2014 14:59 PM

(((Stroppy))) Totally get this and I am so sorry. Your anger is one of the stages of grief and is normal.

I, too, lost my dearest bestest friend to breast cancer. She was only 44 and I miss her Every. Single. Day. ( She died 4 years ago this month on my DD's birthday.)

jo2love posted 1/3/2014 14:59 PM

(((stroppy)))

I'm sorry. Sending you hugs.

jrc1963 posted 1/3/2014 15:00 PM

(((Stroppy)))

stroppy_wanadoo posted 1/3/2014 15:00 PM

Thanks to you all. I think I just needed to be heard.

I'm a little miffed that several people in my life seem to think I should be over this and moving on. Like my sister and mom and a few friends, who all look at me kind of funny when I mention something about Stacy. When I was relating a story about her over Christmas, my bitchy sister (who I really do love, but clearly has her sensitivity chip missing) said "Don't you think you should start finding new friends and stop dwelling on Stacy?"

No, I don't think I need to stop dwelling. I loved her dearly. We had a bond that is different than I have ever had with any other friend. And I do have other friends, but none will take her place.

I ran across a picture of me and Stacy over the holidays when I was cleaning at home. Wanted to post it to Facebook (where we have MANY mutual friends) but didn't because I didn't want those insensitive ones to roll their eyes at me. I used to post to Stacy on Facebook even after her passing, because for some reason it felt more like "real" talking to her than the conversations I have in my head... but I won't anymore. I don't want anyone to think I am asking for their pity.

Just sad and bitter today, I guess, and not wanting to talk to anyone in my "real" life for fear they'll think I'm stupid.

[This message edited by stroppy_wanadoo at 3:01 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

stroppy_wanadoo posted 1/3/2014 15:11 PM

OK... I'm babbling. Feel free to ignore. I just feel the need to process in words right now, and privately journaling isn't helping.

I also have guilt. BFF has two young boys... my kids' ages. I told her I would make sure they were well provided for when she passed. I haven't done a good job with that.

I hate BFF's husband. Hated him before she passed. And I don't hate anyone else in life. He was awful to her. I suggested this site to her once, but she never joined. And he's an alcoholic. Immature. Selfish. Said terrible things to her the whole time she was ill. Yet now everyone flocks to him because he's the poor widower. With two young boys to take care of. And all I can think is he doesn't deserve one fucking ounce of their compassion.

For a while, I was trying to give him an empathetic ear, and he would call at all times of the day or night, frequently drunk, telling me how he missed her. Boy did that really piss me off. Infuriated me. I wanted to physically hurt him. And my anger toward him was defintely hurting my healing... I was finding no peace whatsoever in life. So I made the decision in September to never speak to him again.

In doing so, I had to cut myself off from the kids. I am failing in my promise to help ensure they are being taken care of. The only solace I have is that there are a ton of good, stable mothers in their neighborhood who I know are watching out for them. But I'm not, though I said I would.

And I just sit in sadness, missing her. Maybe I should be getting over it.

Grieving is a bitch. And cancer is a fucker.

Thanks for listening and letting me try to process. No response is necessary.

[This message edited by stroppy_wanadoo at 3:12 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

wildbananas posted 1/3/2014 15:30 PM

No advice, just a big hug. If I lost my BFF of 18 years, I'd be a wreck for a very long time. Just imaging it makes me teary.

You don't just "get over" something like that.

(((stroppy)))

Aubrie posted 1/3/2014 16:00 PM

(((stroppy))))

I'm sorry you're hurting.

ajsmom posted 1/3/2014 16:12 PM

The cycle of "firsts" sucks too.

((((stroppy))))


AJ's MOM

SoHappyNow posted 1/3/2014 16:55 PM

I am so sorry to hear this! There aren't any shortcuts through grief, and dealing with people who have no empathy or comprehension just makes it that much harder!

thebighurt posted 1/4/2014 02:50 AM


Just sad and bitter today, I guess, and not wanting to talk to anyone in my "real" life for fear they'll think I'm stupid,

(((Stroppy))) If that's the quality of people in your life now, it's no wonder you miss her so. Some people are just insensitive and never *get it*.

Jeaniegirl posted 1/5/2014 13:03 PM

I totally understand. I lost two of my best friends to cancer in 2013. Last one went away three weeks ago and I simply could find no holiday spirit this year. We feel so helpless and that adds to the grief.

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