Hi all,
Instead of being alone at Christmas, I flew down to visit my parents, in the city where I grew up. I arrived on Sunday and came home Christmas night. I should mention that my parents are high school sweethearts, together since they were 15, and have been married nearly 52 years. They still are and always have been, madly in love.
On Christmas Eve, we planned to go to church services, at the church I grew up going to until I moved away 20+ years ago. They still attend and have many friends there. On Christmas Eve morning, we went to Ihop (a guilty pleasure of mine that I don't get to indulge very often!) After we finished eating, the following exchange took place.
Dad: Gypsybird, we need your help at church tonight.
Me: Okay, sure Dad. With what?
Dad: You know your mother has a lot of friends there, and some of them just don't know when to quit with asking questions etc... So as far as they're concerned, you're fine, okay?
I'm thinking, oh, sure... they don't want me getting all weepy, or going into the "he cheated on me" details if someone should ask. Makes sense, no problem.
Me: Okay. So I'm divorced but fine, doing good, moving on well etc. Got it.
Dad: No.
Me: Umm..no? So I'm still married, and I'm fine?
Dad: Right.
Me: (getting upset) You don't think people will be confused when they see I'm here alone, and with no wedding ring?
Mom: You just say you wanted to see us before Christmas, but you're going home tomorrow. (presumably to my faithful and adoring husband.)
Me: (starting to cry)
Dad: (looking annoyed)
Mom: (looking baffled but concerned) What, sweetheart? Tell me about your tears.
Me: (crying)I can't believe you're asking me to do this. Because I am NOT married, and I am NOT fine, and I am not going home to ANYONE!
I got up and went to the bathroom, which was thankfully empty, and sobbed for about five minutes. When I returned to the table, they acted as if nothing had happened. Dad paid the check, and we left.
Later, when I was alone with my mother, I tried to explain to her the pain of what they were asking me to do. She simply did not understand, and did not even see it as lying. It ended with me once again in extreme tears, and telling her I would do my best to stick to their little script, but that I couldn't promise not to fall apart if one of their friends (who've known me my whole life!) come up and ask where XWH is.
In the end, it was all for nothing. My parents clearly decided since I wasn't willing/able/whatever to go along with their Plan A, they opted for Plan B, which was avoidance. We got to church early, stayed in our seats rather than mingling before the service, and the second it was over, my father whisked us out a side exit that was ever-so-conveniently about 10 feet from where we were sitting. We interacted with no one else the entire time.
I get it... I really do. They have this perfect life, the perfect beautiful home, a HUGE circle of friends, and of course their fairytale marriage. The only "black mark" they have is me, their fuck up of a daughter, who has once again married a guy who cheated, and is once again, disgracefully divorced. Rather than tell their friends the truth when they ask how I am (and I know people do ask), my parents have decided to lie. They are THAT ashamed of me. They are THAT inconvenienced by my fucked up life.
My family is very, very small. It consists of me plus four other people. My aunt, whom I am very close to. My uncle, who cheated on my aunt and is now married to his OW, and whom I have no relationship with because of that. And my parents. So out of the four people in my family, only ONE has my back. ONE.
Other than this drama, my Christmas was really pretty okay. When I got home, my parents had arranged for a surprise extra gift to be waiting for me under my tree, via my best friend who was dog-sitting for me. It made me cry, because they were so sweet to do that, because they knew I was a little apprehensive about coming home to an empty (other than the furbabies) house on Christmas night. I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the two actions... one so thoughtful and one so hurtful.
It hurts so much that it never occurred to them to protect ME, by telling any potentially nosy friends, "Look, she is recently divorced and will be visiting alone, so if you see us at church don't ask any questions." Instead, it was MY job to protect THEM, by lying and pretending I'm "fine," still married, and living in happily-ever-after land.
This whole thing has made me feel so very, very alone. If I didn't have my aunt, and this board! - I don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening.