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I need suggestions for my absolute dealbreakers

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IamDyingInside posted 1/3/2014 16:52 PM

I am currently working on a list of things that I expect from my WH during reconciliation or open access to email, phone passwords, ipad code, letting me know his whereabouts and that sort of thing. I am so worried I will forget something extremely important. Can you all share some of your dealbreakers or items on your list with me? I really appreciate it!

painfulpast posted 1/3/2014 16:56 PM

IC and GPS

Morhurt posted 1/3/2014 17:28 PM

I think it's good to write them out if that helps you but IMO, ultimately, they're in flux. I don't mean that you need to give in but more that your needs may change. It's a process and what you need may not stay constant. I think it's fine to talk to him about what you need him to do right now to help you feel safe, but if there are three new things tomorrow, that's fine too. Does that make sense?

For us it's about the communicating needs more than writing down absolutes.

I've also needed to be understanding (and it's not always easy) of his process. For example, when he said he would not behave inappropriatly ever again that held different meanings for each of us. So when he was chatting with a woman about her relationship I felt devastated whereas he didn't see it as a problem (he totally gets it now, boundaries are much firmer).

I'm blabbing, sorry. But what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to worry about "forgetting something extremely important", you can adjust these as it feels right to you.

cl131716 posted 1/3/2014 17:33 PM

My list consists of complete transparency, IC when we can again afford it, absolutely no female friends, no deleting texts or e-mails, no deleting browser history, I know where he is at all times, I match the hours recorded to when he is at work, no more accusing me of infidelity unless he has an actual valid reason, and no more lies.

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